VM

*You've reached the desk of David Bornholdt. Due to the high humidity & 105 degree heat index forecast, I will be working today from inside the walk in refrigerator at the Quick Trip 2 blocks over. Please leave your message at the tone and I will return your call when the weather no longer resembles the west side of hell. Thank you for your patience and cooperation.*

wet dream

The cap on my chillow pillow came off during the night and dumped 8 cups of water onto the bed as I slept. That would explain why I kept dreaming I was on a waterslide.

I'm pretty sure my dog thinks I'm a dumbass.

snack

Jokes on the tiger. He may have had a sudden craving for carryout indian food, but later that night he would have traded his stripes for a few bottles of Pepto Bismal. http://news.yahoo.com/tiger-leaps-onto-boat-snatches-man-east-india-090431380.html?soc_src=mediacontentstory

shia

I think Shia needs to go to his room and think about what he did wrong. And while he's in there he needs to think up a new first name.

http://movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx?news=875058#scpshrjwfbshttp://movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx?news=875058#scpshrjwfbs

This office needs a bubble machine.

Last night I slept on a chillow pillow for the first time. It was like a mini waterbed for my skull.

MJ

It's been 5 years today since the untimely passing of Michael Jackson. The nation paused for a moment of silence to celebrate all the little boys who will never know his touch. 

shades

I used to think that people wore dark sunglasses while running, walking, or biking in the park to keep the sun out of their eyes until I realized the main purpose is just to size up total strangers without making eye contact

gamer

Dear Gamer Friends,
When you actually get shot playing Call of Duty or arrested for killing all those hookers on Grand Theft Auto, give me a call. Until then.. pass.

s*@t happens

I did not write this. I'm not sure who did. It's on a poster I have. But if today is anything like yesterday, I need to remind myself...

EVERYBODY KNOWS...SHIT HAPPENS

TAOISM - "if you understand shit, it isn't shit"
HINDUISM - "this shit happened before"
CONFUCIANISM - "Confucious say 'shit happens'"
BUDDHISM - "shit will happen to you again"
ZEN - "what is the sound of shit happening?"
ISLAM - "if shit happens, it is the will of Allah"
SIKHISM - "leave our shit alone"
JEHOVA'S WITNESS - "knock. knock. shit happens"
ATHEISM - "i don't believe this shit"
AGNOSTICISM - "can you prove that shit happpens?"
CATHOLICISM - "if shit happens, you deserve it"
PROTESTANTISM - "shit happens, amen to that"
JUDAISM - "why does shit always happen to us?"
ORTHODOX JUDAISM - "so shit happens, already"
TELEVANGELISM - "send money or shit will happen to you"
RASTAFARIANISM - "let's smoke this shit"
HARE KRISHNA - "shit happens rama rama"
NATION OF ISLAM - "don't take no shit"
NEW AGE - "visualize shit happening"
SHINTOISM - "you inherit shit of your ancestors"
HEDONISM - "i love it when shit happens"
SATANISM - "sneppah tihs"
CAPITALISM - "this is MY shit"
FEMINISM - "men are shit"
EXISTENTIALISM - "what is shit, anyway?"
SCIENTOLOGY - "if shit happens, see Dianetics p.137"
MORMONISM - "excrement happens" (don't say shit)
BAPTISM - "we'll wash the shit right off you"
MYSTICISM - "this is really weird shit"
VOODOO - "shit doesn't just happen - we made it happen"
DISNEYISM - "bad shit doesn't happen here"
COMMUNISM - "let's share the shit"
MARXISM - "you have nothing to lose but your shit"
CONSPIRACY THEORISM - "THEY shit on us!"
PSYCHO-ANALYSIS - "tell me about your shit"
DARWINISM - "survival of the shittiest"
AMISH - "modern shit is useless"
SUICIDAL - "i've had enough of this shit"
OPTIMISM - "shit won't happen to me"
TREKISM - "to boldly shit where no-one has shat before"
SHAKESPEAREAN - "to shit or not to shit, that is the question"
DESCARTES - "i shit, therefore i am"
FREUD - "shit is a phallic symbol"
LAWYERS - "for enough money, I can get you out of shit"
ACUPUNCTURIST - "hold still or this shit's gonna hurt"
DOG - "i just shit in your shoe"
CAT - "dogs are shit"
MOUSE - "oh shit! a cat!"
POLITICALLY CORRECT - "internally processed,
nutritionally drained, biological output happens"
EINSTEIN - "shit is relative"
FAMILY GATHERING - "relatives are shit"
MATERIALISM - "whoever dies with the most shit, wins"
VEGETARIANISM - "if it shits, don't eat it"
FATALISM - "oh shit, it's going to happen"
ENVIRONMENTALISM - "shit is biodegradable"
AMERICANISM - "who gives a shit?"
STATISTICIAN - "shit is 84.7% likely to happen"
HIP-HOP - "motherfuck this shiznit, beeatch!"
TANTRISM - "fuck this shit"
CYNICISM - "we are all full of shit"
SURREALISM - "fish happens"
WICCA - "you can make shit happen but shit will happen to you three times"

hulk smash

I'm treading dangerous waters today. No matter what I say seems to get me in deeper trouble to whoever I'm speaking to. I'm attempting to hide as a result but people keep finding me. Now I know how Dr. David Banner felt.

hit pause / nap / hit play

movies

(whispers) wehrenberg

bills

Ok my bills are all paid and as long as I don't drive a car eat any food or do any extra curricular activities for the next two weeks I'll be just fine

lawn

In years past mowing the lawn on a hot summer afternoon was just another chore to check off the list. now its like the last leg of a marathon that I have to continually talk myself through to finish

free lunch

Shapeshifters never pay for lunch. They just continually change bodies until they fill up on free samples in the food court.

I believe in crystal light...

Does Crystal Light contain 50% of the ingredients of Crystal Meth?

DMV

So I'm at the DMV getting my tags and I ask the teller how much to make out the check for. "A million dollars." she replied. "Fine," I said, "as long as I can make it out for 2 million and get the change back."

dmv

I prepare for a trip to the DMV with the same level of dread as a suicide mission assignment in wartime.

dip

I hate onions but enjoy french onion dip. (head in hands) What in the hell is WRONG with me?!?!?!!!

ac

Sometimes I think it would have been better to have been born in the 1940s, but then I step outside of the air conditioning and all that noise stops real quick.

bedtime

I'm to the point where my body now tells me it's time to go to bed around 11pm but my brain negotiates the proposal for another hour or so.

hampster dave

‎New idea‬ : An AIR CONDITIONED human sized hamster ball and habitrail to keep me from dealing with any version or summer heat and humidity. ‪#‎daveintheplasticbubble

if things got desperate..

I would never make it as a cat burglar. I'd be more of a drunken rhinoceros burglar.

wc

Saturday night I purchased 90 White Castles which my brother & I served butler style on silver platters as a late snack at my niece's wedding. This morning my car trunk still smells like road kill & grilled onions.

new rule

NO posting of the plate of food in front of you unless there is a dead bug in it.

moon

Tonight is a full moon and the price of NAIR just went up. Coincidence? I think not

13

Catchers Mask, goggles, elbow & knee pads, flak vest, riding boots, gloves, fire extinguisher, bubble wrap, & pollen mask. All set for ‎Friday the 13‬. Now I have to pee.. DAMMIT!

12 years a bumble

And so, the once proud & fierce Bumble Snow Monster, was captured, enslaved, and exploited by "the man" (Yukon 'the marauder' Cornelius) and forced into a sad life of Christmas star topping and applesauce gumming for the rest of his miserable days.

My roof leak at Camp David is getting worse and can no longer be patched, my AC unit is on it's last legs, something from the master bath is leaking into the garage, and my screen porch floor continues to warp as it slowly sinks into the mud. At this point I'm hoping for a combo tornado/lightening strike because it would be easier to just start again from scratch.

let my cameron go

prince

Well I'll be damned. When I was outside I listened very closely and that IS what it sounds like when doves cry.

dog

2 hanging water bottles consumed since last night plus a full bowl in the kitchen. It's time to face it.. my dog has a drinking problem.

cable

My cable went out Saturday and Charter can't send anyone to fix it until Tuesday afternoon. I now know how Tom Hanks felt in the movie Castaway.

tuff stuff

In the event of a nuclear holocaust, the only things tough enough to survive will be roaches and mini tootsie rolls.

black cloud

Last night I accidentally sat in dog urine for 40 minutes, this morning I spilled a full travel mug of hot water all over the counter and under the microwave, and this afternoon I choked on my gum while coughing & in the process shot it onto my PC screen. bravo #blackcloud

fight

I still remember my first fight. I lost. But in fairness I was pushed into it and my opponent was bigger & meaner than me. Her name was Sandy.

goals

My coworker got up this morning and did 40 jumping jacks, 20 sit ups, 10 push ups, 25 squats, & 20 lunges. While I managed to pull myself out of bed AND pat the dog twice on the head on my way to the kitchen. We both struggled but achieved our goals.

ssshh

Ssshh. Just shut up. You had me at "Sir, I think you're in my chair."

cloud

It's clouding up so I went to the parking lot to close my car windows. Making this trip is the best way to ensure that it will not actually rain.

go me

I pulled out 2 weeds on my way to the car. To me, this is tremendous productivity.

crack

I'm not sure it's cheapness, laziness, or apathy but I'm much more interested in which direction the crack in my windshield is going than getting it fixed.

weather

Yet another in a chain of days in the upper 80s w/ occasional showers and high humidity. Wonderful weather... if you're a mold spore.