Remember the cartoon where the Tasmanian devil swallows dynamite, then it explodes in his stomach? That's me after wolfing down a QT hot dog.

need sleep

After my 2nd night without sleep, I put my shirt on inside out, accidentally microwaved a dog biscuit, and used a neighbors flower bed for a passing lane. Otherwise I'm perfectly fine.

BBird

So Big Bird (who's "Jurassic Park" origins were never explained) is now over 45 years old with the mind of a child. Someone needs to cast him as Lennie in the next Broadway production of 'Of Mice and Men'.

the bush

I took on a way overgrown bush with an electric trimmer and an old step ladder yesterday. Long story short: I cut through my extension cord, got the trimmer stuck in the top thicket, and fell into the thing. The bush won.

20 minutes after my massage and I still feel like a large stack of vanilla pudding.

deer

I have a theory that there are a lot of deer out there with over inflated egos who stand next to a highway, see an oncoming truck, and say to their buddy, "I can take him."

Somewhere, someone is busy trying to write the Broadway musical version of Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

Toilets should be rigged to play the Pac-Man end of game music with every flush.

"Do me a favor. Put your lip over your head... and swallow." - Walter Matthau / Grumpy Old Men

(YAWN!!!!!) Go ahead. You know you want to.

If the garage isn't for sale she shouldn't have put the damn sign up her yard.

I'll bet arsonists carry their own CD music mixes titled "Groovy Burn Tunes" that start with 'Light My Fire', has 'Disco Inferno' in the middle, and end with 'Smoke Gets In Your Eyes'.

Went to Red Lobster for dinner last night and neither of us ordered any seafood. Felt like going to a full service car wash just for the vacuum and air freshener.

foot problems, bad knee, back issues, blood sugar, and I think I'm getting a cold: if the body is an amazing machine then mine is Apollo 13.

"David Bornholdt" is filmed before a live studio audience.

I feel cheated that as I get older and become less of a night person I'm not getting any closer to remotely being a morning person.

presidential life expectancy

Judging from those before & after wear & tear photos, I wonder if single term presidents statistically live longer than two term presidents? (FDR doesn't count because his 3 terms throws off the grading curve.)

monday

Fun Fact: If you eliminate the radio, wind, and engine noise of Monday morning drive time, you can actually hear the marching sound and mournful "Oh-wee-oh. Ohhhhooo" song of the wicked witches' solders on their way into her gloomy castle.

Some people need to have a brand new convertible to enjoy a Sunday cruise on a nice day but all I need is an old car with a sunroof and I'm just as happy — feeling cool.

ah-choo

I'm walking through the Target parking lot and this guy sitting in a car sneezes. A girl walking from the other direction looked up and, thinking it was me, smiled and Blessed me as we passed. So now I have this extra Blessing I didn't earn that I need to pass on before it spoils.

ken burns

When I die I want Ken Burns to do a PBS documentary on my life. (Ofcourse I'll have to pay extra for him to make up some interesting stuff about me. I'm thinking... maybe.. deep undercover CIA assassin.)

They may call them "strike anywhere" matches but I'll be damned if I can get a flame sparked from anything but the box

arrrgh

To celebrate talk like a pirate day, today only, all Somali pirates are allowed to seize and ransom any merchant ship they can catch on the high seas without fear of prosecution. (offer good while supplies last, void where prohibited, some restrictions apply)

back

Most people injure their backs playing sports, moving furniture, or working out. Me? I did it by sitting in a movie theater. Apparently, I can't even WATCH people being active without hurting myself. — feeling pained.

BBQ ribs are too much effort for not enough meat. Would be much easier to eat a single pork steak and then rub sauce all over my hands, face, & shirt.

Dear food scientists: On behalf of crushed loaves of bread from car trunks everywhere, it's clearly time to invent the square watermelon. Thanks.

black cloud

I left my house and car windows open for this morning's rain showers, my PC was down for virus repairs all morning, got a wicked paper cut, had 2 screaming VMs & 5 angry emails, spilled water on my crotch, dropped my keys in a puddle, have nasty heartburn from lunch... and it's only 1:20. Seems I've enlisted in the black cloud army: who's motto is "We'll see that more bad shit happens to you before 9am than most people get all day"

shit creek

If I add up all the energy I put into trying to exercise and eat right but subtract the times I just eat whatever sounds good it's like I'm in a canoe paddling hard upstream using a pool cue for an oar.

Now is ze time on Sprockets vhen ve dance!

rumble

Sometimes when I'm sitting quietly & my stomach makes loud gurgling noises I look down and envision the inhabitants of Fraggle Rock in there running for their lives as their caverns flood w/ digestive acid. My mind is a scary place.

here she is....

If you want a proper update, stick the top 5 Miss America finalists in a caged ring with the crown hanging over it. Give them a ladder, 2 working fire hoses, and assorted blunt weapons. The one who gets out of there with the crown wins.

I'm going to be an unpaid TA for an Acting 101 night class at SLCC at Meramec this fall. And they told me I'd never "make it" in the theater world. HA!

history

It occurred to me that in the last 9 years I've only been pulled over twice and ironically, for running the SAME damn stop sign. If history has a need to repeat itself why can't it be something good, like finding a $20 bill on a parking lot?

Bad news is I got a ticket today for running a stop sign in my neighborhood. Good news is I get to keep the stop sign after I pry it from the undercarriage of my car.

robe

Twice today the sleeve of my robe has snagged on the ball of my stair rail almost flipping me over the edge. I'm wondering if monks encounter this problem every day?

feelin chill

After months of being constantly bitch-slapped and pushed around by the evil, nightmarish prison warden of summer heat & humidity, a cold gray day is like the cool, sweet, kiss of freedom by the beautiful angel of fall.

can't find x & don't care y

Last night I had a long nightmare I was stuck in a college algebra class I didn't understand. When I woke up and convinced myself it was only a dream and that I'd graduated decades ago I spoke my first words of the day.. "Math can suck it."

I'll bet the mafia has some hilarious super secret handshakes.

I often have trouble remembering all the lyrics to the theme song from Batman.

My car is getting so old and worn that it's starting to smell like that couch you keep in your basement family room that you really don't care what happens to anymore.

That's right. It's after labor day and I'm wearing a white shirt. Why? Because the ladies love a bad boy.

junk tour

Starting from the assembly line, every vehicle should carry a running recorded diary and description of all it's owners, locations, occupations, musical playlist, decorations, payload, and anecdotes- including details and backstory of it's final wreck or breakdown. This way, junk yards could provide self guided audio walking tours for the morbidly curious. Kind of like carfax- meets-a Ken Burns documentary.

monday dash

Trying to get started on Monday morning for me is akin the starting line of the 30 meter dash at the Nursing Home Olympics.. when they fire the starting gun 3 people fall over, 1 rolls backwards, and 2 start off w/ a slow hobble with walkers. That is my speed out of the gate.

dog

Yesterday, my 14yr old mutt thankfully survived being sedated for a dental cleaning. At her age she doesn't bounce back fast and the poor thing was weaving, wobbling, and slumping around like she was in an alcoholic stupor when she wasn't passed out last night. This morning she was more lively but clearly hung over. I'm just happy she woke up.

outsiders

After 31 years of procrastinating I finally got around to watching The Outsiders last night. For a movie that launched more careers than the casting couch I was expecting a little more 'Rebel Without a Cause' and a lot less 'ABC Afterschool Special'. Very cheesy.

Geographically speaking, shouldn't the devil have gone UP to Georgia?

take another road

When I bicycle the Missouri trail system as a rule I never look at maps. that way every once in awhile I come across a new road I've never been on before. It's always worked out well for me (except for that one time in Deliverance but I don't want to talk that)

I would pay damn good money to see "Pulp Fiction on Ice"

I wonder who would win in a back alley brawl between the Swiss Miss and Little Debbie?

writing

Some people KNOW they have the next great American novel in them just waiting to be written. As for me, at BEST, I might have a page-a-day calendar in there someplace.

labor day

Today is the one day of the year that hospitals should only charge half price for delivering babies (or twins two for one)

weather

Last night I slept through 2 weather alarms on my cell, a tornado siren, and the storm itself. Mother Nature needs a snooze setting.