So many bonfires planned for tonight along with booze, candy, high winds and multitudes of dry leaves. What could go wrong?

Happy Halloween! Or, as it's known by the person who holds the rights to the song 'The Monster Mash', The Most$$Wonderful$$Day of the Year!

lunch flick

In 91' I was a college intern at U.E. Media Dept. During lunch in the conference room they would bring in their VHS rentals, narrate & FF thru the slow stuff and watch the highlights. Called it Fast Forward Theater. Best lunch hours ever.

I bought a card table & chairs set last night at ‪#‎Schnucks‬ for $39.99. This is the closest I've come to a new furniture purchase in 5 years. My life is a wild ride.

My chimney & roof estimate is close to $7,500.00. Giving serious consideration to just peeling it all off and changing my top floor to an extended 8 room sun deck.

Would the Beatles still have been famous if they had named themselves the Head Lice?

day off

Yesterday it seemed every move I made was unwise. If today is no better, then tomorrow I set up a fake Ferris Bueller style Ebola symptom self quarantine and head out for some time off.

Everyone has that one really good camera angle that frames them well. Mine is behind the wall 2 rooms over.

I've been writing the script for "Weekend at Bernies 3: Bernie 25 Years Later" but the studio says there's not much left to work with

For some people, facing the sunrise on their way to work is a peaceful, tranquil, beautiful experience. For me, it's like driving directly into a nuclear flash.

If the town of Wagga Wagga Austrailia does not have Fozzie Bear as their official mascot, they are missing out on a golden opportunity.

If Tonka made a functioning, full size, bright yellow car... I'd buy it.

If history repeats itself then when is transatlantic Zeppelin flight coming back?

if elected...

So, if I believe what I hear on TV, every incumbent who is up for reelection does nothing but steal, take bribes, and beat up kittens, while every challenger for the seat is my friend, will never spend a dime, will create thousands of jobs, and literally can walk on water.

I have such poor coordination prowess that I live in fear of failing a roadside police sobriety test when I'm 100% sober.

I'm not worried about the kids in my neighborhood dressing up as Ferguson protesters this Halloween so much as the ones going as Ferguson looters.

The ‪#‎SpiceGirls‬ would have lasted longer if the group included a short, fat, bass voiced girl named Pumpkin.

Since the Last Supper was a group of 10 or more was there an automatic 18% gratuity included on the check?

I don't know how but my phone managed to ring and call itself in my pocket. Either that or future me was trying to call me again. I hate it when I don't leave me a message.

This morning I was behind a car w/ an anti-abortion bumper sticker and a severed Halloween corpse arm hanging out of the trunk. Pick a plan and go with it lady.

chim chimeny

My chimney is leaking so I've got a guy coming tomorrow to inspect it. I've never met him but I anticipate he'll look like Dick Van Dyke, speak w/ a heavy cockney accent, & have soot on his face.

I hate it when I look in the mirror hoping to see Superman only to find H.R Pufnstuf staring back at me.

Political attack ads should be the soundtrack for all haunted houses.

snot funny

It seems that the bright neon yellow glowing gunk I'm coughing up and blowing out indicates either I have an upper respiratory virus or I've unknowingly digested a bunch of kryptonite. If I sneeze and kill Superman.. I'll know what's what.

music

When I was young, idealistic, and full of optimism, romantic songs and power ballads really motivated me. But ironically, now that I'm older, jagged, & worn down by experience, I can realistically relate more to these songs but w/out the fire of youth they no longer move me.

sick

I was sick in bed all day yesterday. Today I'm well enough to be at work but still sick enough to feel like a mix between Reverend Jim from Taxi and Jim Morrison but better than Jimmy Hoffa.

This much rain has eventually made the whole city smell moldy and dank like unwashed gym clothes.

fishing

People spend so much money on fishing boats and gear that I'm surprised no one has marketed a recreational jon boat sized submarine with windows and expandable nets and grabber arms. Now THATS fishing.

This afternoon I watched Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock and I'm pretty sure most of the costumes were purchased at Lane Bryant

starvin Marvin

If I adopt one of those starving Feed-the-Children kids in Africa for 70 cents a day I want it in writing that he'll take my last name AND be liable to take care of me in my golden years when I'm senile and incontinent.

If I choke a smurf, will his face turn white?

enveloping

The sealer in the postage machine is broken at work so this morning I licked 18 envelopes before mailing them. I feel fine.. except my tongue is stuck to my teeth, bright colors are really intense, and the raindrops are speaking to me in french.

I wonder if squirrels think of rats as embarrassing, white trash, acorn mooching, smelly cousins?

I'd pay extra to have my flu shot delivered without warning by a bond-villain using a blow dart from a concealed position in an air vent.

If random drug testing included detection of Oreos or Twinkies my career would be in jeopardy

Lazyboy

Dear La-Z-Boy Furniture People,
Please develop a recliner with an anti-sleep electric shock sensor option.
Thanks, Dave B / PS - You might want to include some plastic lining on those models because I might pee a little

#‎Ebola‬ would be a great name for a bowling app

baby dozer

I constantly drive by crews using those tiny bull dozers. Where is the tiny dump truck, tiny concrete mixer truck, and tiny crane? I'd like to be the first kid on the block to collect the whole toy set.

They say all fashion eventually comes back around into style again so my white bedazzled Elvis jumpsuit, cape, and boots, continue to wait patiently in my closet.

From a customer service perspective, my position requires enough political ass kissing that I should be able to write off chapstick as a business expense.

Godfather

#‎Godfather‬ Fact: According to Francis Ford Coppola on the DVD commentary, Lenny Montana (Luca Brasi) could barely get through his thank you scene w/ Don Corleone because Brando (a huge practical joker) had his back to the camera and put a sign on his forehead that read "F*#@ You".

Dear PopRocks,

Dear PopRocks,
Please set up a lunch with the diabetic pharmaceuticals people about creating some sugar free crackle/pop medication.
Thanks, Dave B

movie pass

Just scored free preview tickets for this movie tonight. Sweeet!! I love being part of a test audience. Makes me feel like a mouse being clocked by scientists as I make my way through a maze to get my cinematic cheese reward at the end.

Success is one percent inspiration, 98 percent perspiration, and 2 percent attention to detail. - Phil / Modern Family

It would be great if my office building came with one of those soundproof, glass walled, Church cry-rooms for the occasional therapeutic scream break.

waiting by the mailbox

I have a box of cigars being delivered today. This is awesome. Not getting my box-top-earned-captain-crunch-treasure-chest-in-the-mail-in-1976-awesome. But awesome just the same.

I'll bet the guy who invented the rubber band just did it so he could annoy the guy working at the desk next to him.