Families are like a Whitman's Sampler. No matter how sweet the majority are there is always one that is totally nuts & leaves a bitter aftertaste.

Going on a haunted hayride tonight through Valhalla cemetery. Looks like I'll finally be on the wagon.

http://www.hawthorneplayers.info/voices-of-valhalla-2016.html

I was 8 when I first saw this movie and this scene is how I learned these words. #BetterLivingThruCinema

If political opinions, selfies, inspirational quotes, pictures of children, campfires,and videos of food prep were banned, Facebook would instantly disappear (poof!)

Unsalted Shelled Peanut Funfact: Not only do people not like them but they somehow get insulted and hostile while eating them.

#StarvingChildrenInAfricaWouldKillForThisShit

OK Wednesday! You want some?! Come git some!! Ready!.. Set!.. (and runs face first into wall)

This is the kind of weather where I really need my office to crack open like my old Fischer Price schoolhouse.

blinded

Do I stare directly into the sun behind the stoplight for 60 seconds so I don't miss it turning green to ensure the car behind me doesn't honk? Yes. I burn my cornea & see a yellow spot half way to work just to have the same car cut me off a block later. This means war.

the heat is gone

My toaster oven died (or my little oven is toast.) This leaves me only 7 other viable food heating options (stove,microwave, foreman grill, gas grill, fire pit, clothes dryer, & car engine) but, my man rule book lists this as an appliance and therefore I am obligated to shop, compare, and replace as soon as possible. The hunt is on.

don't get cocky

This morning my toast didn't burn, my cheese omelette was perfect, & the sausage was just right. I internally gloated about this accomplishment as I slid the eggs onto my plate from the pan.. which was apparently too close to the bread wrapper which instantly melted all over the bottom of my skillet. #ServesMeRightForBeingOptimistic #BlackCloudMeltDown #CrockeryFail

ooh that smell

Is it counterproductive if the guy who cleans your office leaves a noxious BO/DeadRottingHobo odor in the wake of the every room he just cleaned? Seems like using a flame thrower to dry out water damaged furniture.

Less than 3 hours sleep last night so my official answer to any question you are about to ask me today is PASS.

first day of fall (finally) and it's sweltering

Dear Gambini Crime Family: For 77 days I have been counting down to the relief that Fall would bring from the punishment of summer. Today Fall is finally here... and St. Louis will have a 100 degree heat index. I blame the Heat Miser. Accordingly, I am calling in my favor. To quote Capone - "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to da GROUND!" Tonight the Heat Miser sleeps with the fishes. Thanks, Your Pal, Dave B

Time is the fire in which we burn. - Delmore Schwartz / Time to make the donuts - Fred the Dunnkin Donuts Baker

If excessive tossing & turning at night was counted as excercise, then I have met my aerobic requirements for the week.

clean

I did a long overdue house cleaning yesterday and last night I felt like I was in a hotel. It smelled fresh, everything was in place, plus I found a Gideon Bible in my nightstand and a dead hooker under the bed.

Ever have one of those days when even a game of Uno seems to complicated to mess with?

If you wanted to capture me in the wild, just put a donut in a jar and wait.

Lacix Medication Motto: "Yes.You will pee A LOT.But you'll thank us for the excercise results from all those bathroom dashes."

Jeeves

Between her daily nursing care aids, cleaning lady, lawn service, homehealthcare RN, & 5 adult children, my Mom now has a bigger staff than the Govenor's mansion. All we need to add is a butler and she'll have a complete set.

too much time on my hands

My bedroom has a clock radio on my nightstand, a back up one on my dresser, a wall clock, my cell phone, my wristwatch, and the time on the TV news: None of them are even close to matching times. No wonder I start each day confused.

I almost choked on a potatoe chip at lunch. Kinda scary, kinda humiliating, kinda goofy way I'd end up going by. I could see my toe tag now [Cause of Death:Spud Misadventure]

Rainfall & Thunder: The only sounds I don't mind being woken up during the night by. The same sounds while stuck in traffic, not so much.

Dear Family of the Spider I Killed: It was either him or me. I'm sorry. Please don't come for revenge.Condolences on your loss. - Dave

Starting a new med.waiting to see which side effect hits feels like walking blindfolded thru a car wash.U don't know whats coming,but its not gonna be pleasant.

Fine September. You let it be 105 heat index so I'm gonna wear white after labor day. Two can play at this ignoring the rules stuff.

Last night there was a cricket in the theater that chirped during the entire movie. It gave the phrase "it bugged me" a whole new level of intensity.

Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out August.September, you're up. Just do your job bring in a nice cool fall and nobody gets hurt. Kapeesh?