BM

Just scored free tickets to the Barry Manilow concert tonight at Scott Trade Centeter. (Thanks Anne Marie) Hoping I don't come away from the mosh pit smelling like bengay again. Those fanilows party hardcore.. plastic hips and all.

2day in 1943 Oklahoma! opened on Broadway & brought down the house. Yesterday a tornado opened up in Oklahoma & brought down a house on Broadway

I suck at voicemail. I write a short, concise, email, post, or text, but when I leave a VM I go on & on like a truck rolling down a mountain w/ no brakes.

Most boys idolized baseball or football players but when I was a kid my hero was King Kong Bruiser Brody. Explains a lot about my formative years huh?

Took my Mom to the doctor's office this morning and managed to roll over my own foot with her wheelchair. So much for my dreams of professional tap dancing.

old drivers scare me

So I'm minding my own business driving back from lunch when an old man in the lane next to me decides to cross into mine without looking. As he inched closer he was suddenly shocked to see my car there and HE honked and cursed at ME!!! Sorry Mr.Magoo but I did nothing wrong. Time to hang up those keys.

Happy 50% Off All Easter Candy Monday everyone.

Do extreme conservatives refer to them as "damn hippie eggs"?

So was Mr.Roarke wearing Tony's Saturday Night Fever suit or was Tony wearing Roarke's Fantasy Island host uniform?

GF

"JC has politely requested that we re-name this day to something other than Good Friday. He still has some pretty serious PTS from this experience and He stresses absolutely nothing about it was good." - Thanks, God

Some people have an internal struggle of good vs evil but every time grass cutting season comes around I have an internal struggle of cheap vs lazy.

Sticks

I've pinched, skewered, licked, scooped, stirred, sword fought, back-scratched, constructed with, burned, door jammed, nose-hung, drawn with, spear chucked, drummed, grave marked, goal posted, colored, and whittled them, but never, in all my years, did I ever once chop with them. Time for some rebranding.

FU Bangles. We walk just fine. - Egypt

This Easter I'm buying a chocolate bunny just to sit on the Cadbury eggs until they hatch.

Dear McDonald's: New breakfast idea - sausage & egg biscuit injected with maple flavored caffiene called the McSpeedball.

Somewhere there is a law enforcement badge I can earn that will give me authority to issue tickets to people guilty of being too damn perky in the morning.

I dreamed I had to work a nostalgia shift on the log flume at Six Flags. Seems I can't rock the burnt orange pantaloons and pirate shirt look like I did in '86.

A huge wild turkey ran out in front of my car on Bowles Ave this morning.This turkey digs playing chicken. Does that make him a Turkey Tranny??

If Lent is about sacrifice so Catholic vegetarians should be eating meat on Friday & anorexics should be stuffing their faces on the fasting days.

I once helped push a stalled mini van from the middle of an intersection, uphill to a parking lot, in the snow. This week felt a lot like that.

To all the people named Patrick or Patricia just because you decided to be born on this date: What name were you REALLY SUPPOSED to get?

I'm wearing green&a plastic necklace w/ beer mug&clovers, but I'm not irish,don't drink,&sipping ENGLISH Breakfast Tea:I am the Donnie Brasco of St. Pat's Day

almost posted a political comment but then remembered that is equivalent to being stuck in an elevator with an angry kodiak bear that I just hit with a low grade taser.

The wind blew a paper off of my desk & into oblivian. My black cloud actually made it disappear. Ta Da!

Do two-faced people get to vote twice?

I'm not along in the house after all. I've killed 5 ants in the kitchen in the last 3 days. Pretty sure the last one mooned me. They want war? War they will get.

right after the final credit rolled

Dear Breakfast Club,
I'm glad you had such an eye opening afternoon during your Saturday detention but the fact remains that your little note was 96 words long and your assignment was for individual essays of no less than a 1000 words each. In violation of your dentention you are all hereby suspended untl further notice. - Mr. Vernon

Office Flu Bug Week 3: Very few of us left. Surviving by becoming a large, bearded Krispy Kreme donut perpetually covered in a glaze of Germ-X Hand Sanitizer

still better than Trump

Unrepentant millionare Quincy Magoo was sentenced to 100 hours of community service today after being convicted of 7 counts of vehicular manslaughter and driving while intoxicated. This has only increased his popularity in the polls however as he is now the current front runner for the GOP nomination for president.

The only forward momentum I can get going on Monday afternoons involves falling off my chair.

Small chance of showers so I left my windows open. 5min into my drive to work it poured. Only way to have prevented the rain was to leave them closed.

I'm having trouble with my grammer this afternoon. I can't seem to turn being at work into working.

You hear the Sesame Street theme song.I hear a lost,frightened child wandering the streets of New York since 1969 w/out directions.

When the time comes for my life to flash before my eyes I'm calling dibs on holding the remote

This morning I microwaved my mug before I put the water in it, poked myself in the eye w/ my toothbrush, & trapped my arm in my seatbelt. Not even 9am yet.

musical infidelity

Rupert Holmes' Escape(The Pina Colada Song) is really just a musical episode of "Cheaters" minus the unpublished final verse involving lawers, entrapment, and a bloody showdown at O'Mally's.

worst part of a haircut

Dear Great Clips: I'm willing to pay an extra $2 upfront on my haircut if we can waive the sales pitch for your shampoo and products. We both know I'm never going to do more than "think about it."

Girl Scout Thin Mints: I bought you under the guise of charity but we both know this is about how long I can resist your siren song from inside my freezer.