I gave blood today for the first time in 2 years... because a man can only go so long without free cookies & juice.

Some days there's just not enough caffeine..

I couldn't decide between raising the roof or painting the town this weekend so I'm just going to repaint my ceiling even though I find it so a-peeling.

memorial day weekend plans

Friday Morning:3 day weekend ahead with nothing on the books. Endless opportunity ahead!
Monday Night Prediction: (3 bags of chips, a movie, some fast food, and a bunch of Netflix later) Well that went fast.

lunch buddies

I'm eating my lunch in the park when suddenly I'm sharing the table with five 8th grade boys on some kind of field trip. It would have felt just like gradeschool but THIS time I understand the references about vaginas. #TheMoreYouKnow

I'm not saying my nose is red from blowing it so much but I am saying I just got a text from Santa Claus asking if I wanted to guide his sleigh tonight

When you think you are getting over being sick but get looked at like you look and sound like Keith Richards right after a nasty binge. #MickYouIgnorantSlut

Whenever the garage door is closing behind me just as I'm opening the door into the house I always hear the theme from Get Smart in my head.

now thats italian

I had a delicious plate of spaghetti & meatball at dinner last night but paid the price with major acid reflux at 2am. Will I learn from this and throw away the take home serving of lasagna they gave me? 🤔Doubt it. 😎#PavlovsDogThinksImAMoron. 🐶 #CheaperThanIAmSmart🤑 #SometimesLivingBeatsOutJustSurviving 🤠#BetterToBurnOutThanToFadeAway

razor

Last week I was reaching into the bathroom cabinet when my electric razor fell out, slammed into the sink, & shattered into pieces along 3 months worth of whisker shavings.I collected the wreckage but when I tried to rinse down all the whiskers the drain wouldn't open. #SinkLookedLikeChewbaccaExplodedInIt

I've investigated every angle and concluded there is no way to look at the average Monday to make it not suck.

usps

Much like the retro cool factor of vinyl records, I predict that in a few more years young hipsters will rediscover the lost art of cursive writing and sending letters to each other. (That is.. once they learn what a stamp is.)

empty lunch :(

After so many years of spending every lunch hour checking on Mom, today I admit I felt a little lost when I wandered outside at noon for the first time since the funeral. Seems strange. Empty. Even a little scary.

missed days

Returning to work after an unexpected 4 day absence feels like stepping into college class 70% way thru the semester. #HowWillIEverCatchUp

Mom

Yesterday she managed to eat breakfast, some ice cream at lunch, and some soup at dinner. Today she can't even take a sip of water much less food or medicine. On the bright side she is breathing well and resting comfortably. No gasps, no calls for help. #PleaseKeepHerInYourPrayers

water

The last 3 days of rain have my area under a water boil order. So ALL that water suddenly means I don't get any. #SuddenlySoThirsty #AFloodOutsideCreatedADroughtInside

traffic

Thanks to roads closed for flooding it took me over an hour to get to work. That's frustrating.🚗🚙🏎️🚐🚕🚗
I'm on a medication that makes me pee 5 times a morning. That's just a special kind of torture. 😖😵😫😫#ThankYouRadioForConstantTalkAboutRushingWater 👹