Sunday, December 30, 2018

death pool


So far my picks are in last place for my office 2018 Celebrity Death Pool (stupid healthy people) but all it will take is some bad fish at the early bird dinner special at the Friar's Club tonight for me to surge ahead for the win before New Years. #FingersCrossed

Thursday, December 6, 2018

mixed

Goodwill has all the mens&womens coats lumped together & separated only by color. Based on shoulder pads & perfume smells, I think I tried on atleast 3 ladie's peacoats.

Wednesday, December 5, 2018

outgoing

Dad: There was no social media in the early 90s so if you wanted to show how quirky & creative you were you had to leave a funny outgoing message on your answering machine.
Son: Answering Machine?
Dad: Lets not go down that rabbit hole just now.

Tuesday, November 13, 2018

sams


The lady at Sam's Club didn't greet me, make eye contact or smile when she checked my cart out at the door but I DID learn all about Lamar, the jerk off, cheating, boyfriend of the friend she was talking to. What an A-hole! Shondra was RIGHT to ghost his ass!Giiirrl!!!(SNAP!)#TheMoreYaKnow🌈

reading material


First I outgrew Highlights magazine, then Boys Life, then Maxim, and now Entertainment Weekly. All that's left is AARP Monthy and then back to Highlights.

Friday, November 9, 2018

fine dining

I enjoyed my elegant lunch of lobster bisque, baked ham, turkey stuffing, & pumpkin pie, but I had to change clothes 4 times to make enough free sample rotations at Sams Club to fill up.

fake calls

The "IRS" called and told me I have outstanding penalties due& I need to pay b4 the local "cops" arrest me. I commended them for finally tracking me down, said they'll never take me alive, & yelled "BURN EVERYTHING! We're runing again!" as I hung up.

Thursday, November 1, 2018

holiday merch


11/1: Like an unstoppable spreading holiday virus, Walmart has ALREADY converted to Christmas. Target & Walgreens will fall next.. then all will be lost. CDC warns Santa Bug Cannot Be Contained. #GrinchesUnite

Its pretty cool how stores celebrate All Saints Day by selling 50% off candy.

Monday, October 29, 2018

back in the saddle


Its been almost 8 years since I was on stage but I just got cast as Uncle Billy in Next Generation's production of Its a Wonderful Life this December. We'll see if there is any talent left in the bottom of my rusted old tank. May God have mercy on our souls.

Am I the only one who can switch dreams at night by rolling over? Its the dream equivalent of a CD changer.

Wednesday, October 24, 2018

FB dessert videos

Why would I waste 15 Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, 10 other ingredients, & 13 labor intensive prep steps to make a dessert that tastes like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups in the first place?

Friday, October 19, 2018

why I don't play lotto


If I won the lottery and quit my job I'd eventually go nuts from boredom. If at work I'm Fozzie Bear, on weekends I become Mr. Snuffleupagus, in retirement I'd morph into Jabba the Hutt.

Thursday, October 11, 2018

warm blanket

Nothing feels better than sleeping under a blanket the first cold night of fall.(Full disclosure: some things actually DO feel better but for legal reasons I can't mention them here)

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

check up

Saw my neurologist this morning who tightened my bolts, checked my battery, & hit my tires w/ a tuning fork. He declared I'm still somewhat road worthy and sent me back out on the streets.

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

dark web

The dark web is:
1) Why I scream "get it off me!" when I go into the attic
2) the other side of the matrix
3) described in detail in every Rights&Responsibilities you scroll past and click OK on w/out reading.

Sunday, October 7, 2018

mcd

Thanks McDonalds for the overdone sausage bisquit, dried out hashbrown, and overcooked apple pie. Seems the new slogan is: BaDaDaPaDa.. I'm Burnin' This!

Monday, September 24, 2018

Remember when blue haired ladies meant loud talking seniors w/ dentures & walkers instead loud talking twenty-somethings w/ tattoos & cell phones?

old

I came across my old land line phone, answering machine, & digital camera in the back of my closet. Last time I saw them these were useful everyday items but suddenly they are outdated antiques. Then I looked in the mirror and had the same thought.

Monday, September 17, 2018

sweet karma

I pulled to the right at a 3 way stop to give a tractor-trailer space to turn past but the entitled lady in the Benz behind me decided she was going cut past us. As she whipped around she actually screamed as she almost slammed head on into the truck. I smiled as she hastily reversed.

I'm exhausted because I didn't sleep well, was late for work due to traffic, & the temp is 90s & humid:Its a Monday Trifecta

Sunday, September 16, 2018

shark!


Last night I watched a show about the making of Jaws, then flipped to the news and saw a man was killed by a shark in Cape Cod. I'm glad I didn't watch the making of War of the Worlds.

Friday, September 14, 2018

tired

9am & still sleepy. OK caffeine get off your butt & started working! You can be replaced ya know. I have a 5 hour energy shot on standby that is dying to get into the game.

Thursday, September 6, 2018

shoe

I hooked my finger while trying to fix my sandal which came off while on the gas pedal on Hwy44 making my car appear driverless for a few panicked seconds. How is your morning?

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

hardware

Yesterday I smoked cigars w/ a Navy Seal who told me about sniper firing, grenade launchers, rock climbing, & firing rockets. I told him I'm giving serious thought to buying a new weed wacker.

Thursday, August 30, 2018

From my neighborhood website today:



 Coyotes in the area
We saw a very healthy looking Coyote last night in the Ivy Chase area (Well after dark). While this one looked well fed, they are still known to be predatory towards pets and even small children.
New1h ago · 50 neighborhoods in Crime & Safety







Monday, August 27, 2018

house

I used to want a home w/ a firehouse pole & a waterslide, but now I'd prefer someplace w/ an elevator & a craftmatic adjustable bed. #FromLifeofPartytoLifeAlert

Sunday, August 19, 2018

midnight

I dropped by Walmart around midnight and saw a couple w/ their 5 month old baby casually doing a full weeks worth of shopping. The only responsible explanation is that this was a family of vampires who must live only by night.

Friday, August 17, 2018

Dear Hasbro

If you opened a restaurant that turned Play-Doh into edible, low carb, flavored food that I could squeeze thru a fun factory or baber shop and onto my plate.. I'd totally eat there. Thanks, Dave B

Friday, August 10, 2018

new game

Idea: a new party trend called Silent Cell where everyone arrives, but stays silent, communicates only via 1 to 1 text or snapchat until they each figure a password based on a provided clue. Last one to guess gets a beating from the rest. (Its a Darwin thing)

Yesterday felt like Friday so being at work today feels like Saturday detention. #GrownUpBreakfastClub

Thursday, August 9, 2018

traffic

Thanks to traffic for the PGA championship I was almost 20 min late for work. I haven't seen this many middle age white guys in the same place since Walmart had that 2 for 1 sale on fertilizer.

Monday, August 6, 2018

old papers

My electric typewriter in college had a LED screen so I could proof each line before it printed. Yet looking back it still looks like my term papers were typed by a drunk monkey.

Thursday, August 2, 2018

Gen Z is the demographic cohort after the Millennials.I assume this means they will be the LAST generation?Humans had a good run

reboots

Dear Reboot-Crazed Network Executives: There is a reason all those old sitcoms were eventually cancelled. They were used up, out of ideas, and no longer good. Stop playing TV Frankenstein by trying to raise the dead. Let the characters rest in peace instead of awkwardly dragging out a 20 yr older cast.

Monday, July 30, 2018

Dear Hanna-Barbera & Robert Zemeckis: It's 2018. Where the hell is my flying car? Promises were made dammit!

rock n roll heaven

Dreamed I was in Heaven buying a ticket for a concert featuring Sam Cooke, Elvis, John Denver, & Barry Manilow. When I told the StubHub angel guy Manilow was still alive he just said,"Give it a minute."

Friday, July 13, 2018

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

12pm Foundation Repair Estimate right into 1pm Pest Control w/ a House Cleaner arriving right in the middle. #SuperFunLunchHour

Dave

A friend in Europe just saw and sent me this pic. Glad to see we Daves continue to keep good will humor alive on an international basis. (I'm looking forward to attending the Global Dave Summit in Sweden this November)



Friday, July 6, 2018

Monday, July 2, 2018

This year is the 15th anniversary of my 15 year highschool reunion.

night sounds

Why does my hearing, which isn't great, turn bionic when I can't sleep? At 2am I heard the downstairs faucet drip, my neighbors phone ring, a red neck shooting fireworks blocks away,&someone farting downtown.

Sunday, July 1, 2018

canada day

I would like to say #HappyCanadaDay to our neighbors up north and apologize again for the asinine stuff our idiot stepdad yelled over the fence at you guys. He does not speak for our family & we think he's a schmuck too. PS - I think he's been stealing your morning paper so you have my permission to turn the sprinkler on him.

Thursday, June 28, 2018

DMV

I just renewed my driver's license and when I looked into their viewmaster I was told to read the top line:QOCTRNOCDU! I think I was cursing in Klingon but I said it. I even threw a little Worf stank on the accent. (Driving requirements have changed)

You know its going to be a hot, muggy day when at 8am the air already feels like the inside of a just returned bowling shoe

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

In a disaster movie I'd be the guy who gets in a few lines of sarcasm early on and then be one of the first to get killed.

ride

Dreamed I died and an escalator appeared to take me to heaven. On the way up instead of harps they played 'Here I Go Again' by Whitesnake. According to St. Peter it's a fan favorite and they got the rights super cheap.

Sunday, June 24, 2018

ssshh

Q:What's more annoying than being hunted by a mutant dinosaur?
A: Spending $11.15 to see Jurassic World 2 and sitting next to a lady holding her 11month old (cooing) baby and talking to it, her husband, and the screen (in Japanese) during the entire movie

made it


This morning I saw 3 different traffic stops w/ multiple cop cars each. Even though I was doing nothing wrong when I made it to my destinaiton I felt like I just successfully smuggled myself from east to west germany. #GoingUnderTheWall

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

back

Due to a minor backache I should be allowed Jack&Coke at my desk for medicinal purposes. You're right, that's not medicinal.. forget the Coke.

movie seat


My movie seat last night had a heater button I didn't know was there until I roasted my behind and a power button that rested on my phone clip so the slightest movement rapidly threw me into full recline. I felt like a rocket being prepped for launch.

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

POV

I thought about retracing some of my childhood family road trips but since I was sitting backwards in the back of the wagon only seeing the back side of road signs I have no idea where we went.



Monday, June 18, 2018

so much farther to go

We have technologically advanced to self driving cars, verbal command computers that run our homes, and skies full of spy drones, but we can't invent a smoke alarm that won't go off when I make toast.

"I'm writing a book on insanity. They say you should write about something you know." - Dom DeLuise/The End

Friday, June 15, 2018

ticket

I just pled GUILTY in municipal court in order to do an online
payment for a $10 seat belt violation. Damn it feels good to be a gangster. 😎 #LadiesLoveABadBoy



Tuesday, June 12, 2018

pie

When FB shows me 37 step videos on how make complicated desserts I hit reply and show the frozen pie section at Walmart, then my cart, then my debit card.

Thursday, June 7, 2018

creek

Gravois Creek: my home away from home from age 9-14. My friends and I explored miles & miles of this place finding weird rocks, rusty artifacts, minows & crawdads without any stranger danger encounters. They say God looks after fools and children so I was double protected.



Tuesday, June 5, 2018

bio

- Tell us about yourself Mr. Bornholdt.
- I was born in the wagon of a travelin' show.My mama used to dance for the money they'd throw.Papa would do whatever he could..Preach a little gospel, sell a couple bottles of Doctor good.
-Thank you for Chering

I found a crack in my basement foundation wall. I either need to patch it or prepare for the volcanic eruption that is forthcoming from under my house.

Sunday, June 3, 2018

ihop

We dropped by IHop for dessert last night. Their AC was busted and Curtis, our waiter/recent grad/disgruntled employee was NOT having it. He told us all about how he is about to quit, and then went outside and lay on the ground to deal with his anxiety. We appreciate the share Curtis but could we go ahead and order first?

Thursday, May 31, 2018

bad day

So far today I spent an hour on a online form that erased itself when I tried to send it, I slipped on some loose dog food kibble in my kitchen, and I got pulled over on the way back from lunch. #LeaveMeAloneImCrabby

remake

They were working on a remake of "Adventures in Babysitting" but the update involved too much gunplay & heroin abuse before the story even got out of the suburbs.

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

digitial grads

Wondering how much longer until HS & College graduation ceremonies are 100% Skyped w/ digitally distributed diplomas? (Cap & gown can be digitially added to photos of your pajama clad graduate for an additional fee)

Thursday, May 24, 2018

nananananananananananana

Dear Basic Cable, Who do I talk to about ordering a Six Million Dollar Man/Bionic Woman Memorial Day Weekend Marathon? Why? Because slow-motion, cheap props, & 70s sound effects are way cooler than CGI. Thanks, Dave

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Now in prison as a child molester, Jared Fogle is no longer on the Subway Diet but he does still manage get a 6" in his mouth several times a week.

orange


I brought an orange to work for breakfast and the peel & eat was such a squirting, leaking epic fail that my desk, computer, hands, face & shirt, are all now a sticky, citrus covered helter skelter crime scene.🍊💥🌪️

Friday, May 11, 2018

prayer

I've been asked to do a short opening Prayer at our annual corporate breakfast meeting. Where is the cheapest place to rent bongos, a fog machine, & interpretive dancers?

Wednesday, May 2, 2018

dr

For me going to the Dr for my quarterly check up is like the mechanic who changes the oil but also mentions 37 other things wrong w the car: in both cases I walk out saying,"It may be a piece of junk but atleast its still running."

weather


Technological advances in meteorologial science now allow for complete changes in the weather forecast every damn time you check it rendering the whole process pretty much useless.

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Monday, April 23, 2018

Ode to Whopper

 I got you 2 for 1 on Sunday, hot, ready w/ a good greasy scent.
But I was full from eating your twin, so into the fridge you went.
I ate you cold for lunch today,but no longer were you great.
For instead of hot and juicy,you were a solid steel metal plate.




colonel

Never one to shy away from attention the POTUS just signed on w/ KFC to be their next Colonal Sanders to promote their new orange chicken.

Sunday, April 22, 2018

pungent

Had friends over last night and I put out a prepackaged veggie tray containing Broccoli with a smell so pungent it bordered on supernatural. But for the first minute, no one knew the smell was the broccoli and silently looked around for the culprit.

Friday, April 20, 2018

fri

Dear Friday, While I am glad to see you I'm still pissed off that it took you so long to get here. Next time try leaving the house a little earlier. Thx, DB

Sunday, April 15, 2018

data

I got an email from a Russian Marketing company that returned all my data w/ a note saying it was too weird to use and I should seek counseling. Спасибо (thank you) for caring, comrade.

Thursday, March 29, 2018

pledge drives


If FB can learn my entire life just by a friend taking a Harry Potter quiz, then there must be technology that enables me to return to regular programing after I pay $20 to their damn pledge drive

Sunday, March 25, 2018

sundays

I remember when Sundays were spent watching movies on the couch nursing hangovers. Now the hangover comes from surviving the work week and I'm snoring on couch in under 10 minutes.

Friday, March 23, 2018

tick tock

I'd like to sit down at my desk, sigh, and start working. Then hear transition music as the camera moves up to the forward spinning clock above me which stops at 5pm. Back down to me stretching, getting up, & going home.

Thursday, March 22, 2018

cemetery

On a whim I dropped by the cemetery at lunch to visit the family plot. As I was walking up the hill a mini tornado whirlwind funnel of leaves gracefully blew past me up towards the top and dissipated. It created a very peacful feeling. #AllWeAreIsDustInTheWind

On my morning drive I successfully jumped thru 3 daily FM call-in games to AM news. At this point in my life, I'll take any win I can get.

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

The bulb on my lava lamp burned out. Not a problem. I know I have a spare bulb that I can't find. THIS will drive me nuts

The bulb on my lava lamp burned out. Not a problem.
I KNOW I have a spare bulb around here somewhere. THIS will drive me crazy
The bulb on my lava lamp burned out. Not a problem.
I KNOW I have a spare bulb around here somewhere. THIS will drive me crazy.
The bulb on my lava lamp burned out. Not a problem.
I KNOW I have a spare bulb around here somewhere. THIS will drive me crazy.

Sunday, March 18, 2018

80sFM

If you were a teen or adolescent in St. Louis in the early 80s chances are you listed to Pillow Talk on 96FM. There was no better source for recording songs for that all encompassing crush mix tape you were making.

Thursday, March 8, 2018

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

woodpecker

Last few weeks a woodpecker has been pecking my front shutter sending morse code sounds thru the house. Twice now I dreamt I was recieving a distress call from the Titanic.

one last winter blast

On my drive home last night I went from amused to concerned to freaked out as a few snowflakes turned into a complete white out road covering storm in under 10min. #StLouisWeatherIsBipolar

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

cameras

I'm going to install security camera inside my house & put a monitor screen outside my front door so potential burglars can verify there's nothing in there worth taking. #SavesEveryoneTime

Friday, March 2, 2018

muppets

Say what you will about the Muppets but I'm yet to see a single news story about any of them in rehab or arrested for domestic abuse. #ThemPuppetsWuzRaisedRight!

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

lift

The elevator repair guys currently in my office gave me a blank stare when I asked how much extra it would cost to turn it into a Wonkavator. (I'm still hoping for a surprise next time I step in there.)



Monday, February 26, 2018

Friday, February 23, 2018

guns/teachers/lunch


I'm eating lunch at BreadCo and the guys at the table to my right were saying how they should not only arm the teachers but every student as well. The lady at the table on my left said that teachers are trained to teach and are not prepared to make life/death decisions or deal with the consequences if things go bad. #IllHaveWhatShesHaving

When changing the water cooler jug don't put the empty one at your feet to trip on when you pick up the full one.#OneManJitterBug

Monday, February 19, 2018

rain

I got gas at lunch in the pouring rain. To stay dry I pulled under the center overhang w/out realizing I was right next to an overflowing gutter spout. So I quietly cursed my life as I stood & pumped gas in 3" of rushing water. #BlackCloud #WetShoes