It's an IKEA store,not Disneyworld,a legal brothel,or Willy Wonka's Factory. Let's calm down a bit.

Hwy was clogged so I took an earlier exit only to find THAT was backed up too. As I sat on the exit ramp the hwy opened up to move. Good morning black cloud.

the water source on Mars is entitled to the name The Red Sea. Earth's Red Sea will now be called The Moses Path.

The lady who drew my blood this morning poked me so many times I think she was practicing morse code.

meanwhile, at the watercooler...

"Hmm. Friday..GOOD!" - Frankenstein
"4 Hour still to go." - Tonto
(Punching wall) "Mongo HATE 4 hour!!" - Mongo
(nodding)"I am Groot" - Groot
"Arrrrghhhh!!!"(Translation: You said it brother.) - Chewbacca

full circle sleeping noise

As a child I fell asleep to a transistor radio, then moved to a small B&W TV, followed by a stereo, a small color TV, CD player, MP3 player, and then a larger stereo TV. I now have a new flat screen that sounds worse than my transistor radio.

My memory used to hold information like water in a leaky bucket. Now it's more like water in a cheese grater.

At dinner last night I burned the roof of my mouth so my tongue would have someplace to sniff around for the next 24-48 hours.

RIP Yogi Berra. Word is Boo-Boo is inconsolable and appreciates the press respecting his privacy at this time.

Sometimes I find myself to be annoying company and would prefer to hang with the younger me instead. Now THAT guy would be a good wing man.

I trudge thru summer w/ FALL as my only goal. I finally get here & it's upper 80s w/ AC still on. The light at the end of my tunnel turns out to be just global warming.

I would rather be mugged by a crack head with a chainsaw than stuck in a brief conversation with someone full of self-righteous indignation.

There seems to have been some mistake. I'm supposed to be asleep in a hammock right now as opposed to my desk.

My list of culinary fails now includes something as simple as JELLO. For my next trick, I will incorrectly make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Dear Entertainment Weekly:

I did not renew my subscription months ago yet you still keep showing up in my mailbox. I did say I wanted to be friends but this is starting to get creepy. Its best if we both just move on. Thanks for understanding. Dave B

Uncle Buck is my spirit animal

Sad Day in Whoville

WHOVILLE NEWS FLASH!!: Famed Grinch (53) Found DEAD in Home on Mount Crumpit this morning. Cardiac arrest due to enlarged heart suspected. Per Grinch's will, entire fortune left to Ms. Cythia-Lou Who (2) of Whoville. Longtime canine companion Max(7) plans to contest will in court. More as this story develops.

Someday my death certificate will list my cause of death as: Office Food Days

smart car

I was thinking of buying a smart car so I stopped in a local dealership to test drive one. The turning ratio is great but the acceleration was slow. Also the long pole in the back was distracting. Eventually figured out I wandered onto a bumper car ride.

I remember as a kid how exciting it was for the new TV season to start every fall:amazing new shows & returning favorites.Clearly I didn't get out enough as a child.

Some mornings I am ready to face the day with a chagrinned yawn, but today is more of a kamikaze pilot kind of thing. BANZAI!!

If we HAVE to have an eccentric, egomaniac, multi-millionaire presidential candidate who never held office, I prefer the in-hiding version of Howard Hughes.

dream

I dreamed my car was rear ended by an Asian man and his daughter and they could not speak English and had no license or insurance. This stressed me out. Woke up an hour later and I was stressed all over again.

the average hs freshman was born in 01 and the average college freshman was 5. Slowly but surely, 9/11 will become more historical event than nightmare memory.

Insulin shots would be much more appealing if they could mix some caffeine or adrenaline in there for a chaser.

I had trouble sleeping last night so I'm using the MUTE button on the world around me today.If I'm slow to respond when its because I'm reading the closed captions.

As Queen Elizabeth celebrates being the longest reigning monarch, Prince Charles celebrates 20 yrs of research for the perfect undetectable poison.

Enjoying Ken Burns The Civil War so much that I've decided to start journaling my thoughts but I'm already on Facebook. Mission accomplished.

I can tell its going to rain because my knee hurts. Well, that and the huge black cloud hovering above the building.

I just ate a rice cake that was so stale the plane crash survivors from ALIVE might have rejected it.

I need to get a heavy tubeTV from upstairs bdrm to the garage which will strain my back & scrape the wall but a 2nd story window drop would speed things up.

My primary care doctor has left the practice. I have outlasted him which means I win and I'm cured right? Sweet.

It's been one of those weeks where the only motivation I have left is to toss a bunch of marshmallows into the microwave just so I can watch them explode.

Upper 90s heat index and high humidity out there. I don't wear a toupee but if I did today would be the day to rip that sucker off for ventilation

bionic problems

Oscar: Steve Austin, astronaut. A man barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world's first bionic man. Steve Austin will be that man. Better than he was before. Better... stronger... faster.
Lab Scientist: Just an FYI, his software will be susceptible to Chinese hackers making him turn against us.
Oscar: On second thought I never really liked Steve.

Titanic wreck discovered this date in 85(73 years after sinking) ending the world's longest game of "dammit, I know I parked around here SOMEWHERE"