"Surprise, surprise, surprise!" - Jim Nabors first words to Andy Griffith when they meet in Heaven. #RIPGomer

holiday scandal

The North Pole has just announced Santa Claus has been fired after allegations of sexual assault on 3 female elves, 1 reindeer, 2 snow angels, & the Bumble Snow Monster. Mrs. Claus has hired Hanukkah Harry to fill in until a full time replacement can be named. More on this story as it develops.

one of those days

A bad day is dropping the bread you just smeared w/ peanut butter face down on the counter. A worse day is, while cleaning up said mess, knocking the large peanut butter jar off the counter and onto your foot. #ForStreetFightingWeaponsChooseyMomsChooseJIF

cell coma

My phone suddenly went dark this morning. I furiously pressed & repressed the power button like I was taught in CPR training & screamed "Don't You Die On Me Dammit!!" #ThePatientSurvived

boom

My workflow went dormant last week because of Thanksgiving but suddenly Monday it all erupts like an angry volcano with acid reflux. #GettingPummelledLikePompeii #TooSoon?

Wondering how many Wookiees Google bear porn.

Advise to all the Moms that are beginning their 24 hr cooking/cleaning Thanksgiving prep: DMI (Delegete/Medicate/Inebriate)

Couldn't sleep last night & had a big thanksgiving lunch. Screw caffiene:Time for the ol fork in the electical socket trick.#AWAKE

I have huge stack of work to do but I also have a big pile of paperclips begging to be made into a chain. #TalkingPaperClipsWin

I like to scoop & eat the shredded lettuce left in the BigMac box & convince myself it was a "side salad".#HealthyChoices

charlie down under

Satan is not happy. Manson is that creepy, weird relative no one (even in hell) wants to see but now is coming over for Thanksgiving. #PutHimNextToDahmerAtTheKidsTable

In honor of this being the longest week ever I'm taking this afternoon off to do.. NOTHING. (Can't wait to get started.)

Went into Walmart at lunch for butter.42 min,17 items, & $35.74 later I'm driving back to work.. w/ NO butter. #SlippedFromMyMind

Seriously?? It's only THURSDAY?!? You've got to be frigging kidding me. #LongestWeekEver

Some days my age has less to do w/ the year I was born & more w/ how much energy it takes to walk from my desk to the copier.

mixed signals

If you accidentally projected the bat signal sideways it kind of looks Statler&Waldorf (the 2 old Muppets in the balcony.) Villians of Gotham City.. prepare to be heckled!

most important meal of the day

Kellogg's & Post say that sales of Corn Flakes, Rice Krispies, & Cherrios are dangerously low because millennials are not buying them. I knew it.. we've raised a whole generation of cereal killers.

Answer:A Full McRib Sandwich & a slice of Pumpkin Pie Question:What the hell did the bird who crapped on my windshield just eat?

"Wonder what the ratio of caffeine,cocaine,& methamphetamine is in Diet Mountain Dew that makes it so tasty?" - I thought at 3am

stargames

Yesterday in the "Heavenly Battle of the Network Stars": the heavyweight comedy team of John Candy, John Belushi, Chris Farley, Oliver Hardy, & Jackie Gleason continued to dominate winning the tug of war & pie eating contest. But today's potatoe sack race & triathlon, might prove a challenge. Stay tuned

90 min sitting @ a plastic table as the AT&T guy transferred my old phone to the new one w/ nothing to awkwardly stare down at

And God said, "For one brief shining moment, let there be brilliant fall colors! Then you shall look at sticks for 5 months."

First call today was a lady so full of arrogance,distain,& entitlement she was almost choking on it.W/ any luck next time she will

ups and downs

In the last 24 hrs I dropped/shattered my phone screen, hiccupped diet mountian dew out of my nose, woke up with toothpaste in my eyebrow, AND had my neurologist tell me my MG is in remission. Today is a GOOD day

A virus on my PC at work is equivalent to crashing my car late at night in the worst part of town. #StrandedAngryAndDefensive

Dear Toaster: You take too long, only do 1/2 the job, & clearly something's wrong w/ your wiring.You're just like me every morning

Just found cobweb in my hair. Don't know when this happened but I am wondering how many spiders had time to rappel down my back.

"Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around." - drunk guy bugging DJ to play The Hokey Pokey

You fill your gas tank, get in the car, and the gauge already shows you are down to a quarter tank.That's how payday is for me.

Last night I found time to watch 9 sitcom episodes opening prime DVR space. Pathetically,this is exciting news in my life.

I had lunch at Jersey Mike's Subs. Good sandwich but suddenly I'm using words like Fogitaboutit, BadaBing!, and have the urge to have someone whacked.