Hugh Hefner can finally be changed out of those formal work clothes and changed into something comfortable to be laid to rest. #RIP

QT: the only safe spot

Why is it that online, politically, racially, internationally we all seem to hate each other but EVERYONE still holds the door for the next person at Quick Trip? Why are gas stations the only harmonious places left on the planet?

Bank of America is going to close one of my visa accounts due to inactivity. $.77cent banana purchase coming right up.

Gave blood & urine samples for tests at the lab.Then they wanted an additional $90 which got them a stool sample as well.

mowing

"This riding mower is easy now that I have the hang of it." I thought proudly mere seconds before running over the wood retaining wall and crashing up into the garden area.

ahhhhhhh.. ahhhh.. chooo

Dear Windshield: One hand is on the wheel and the other has my phone to my ear. I feel 1-3 uncontrolled sneezes coming. This is not going to end well for you. #MyApologies

Fight!

Did you hear?! The dotard and the rocket man are gonna fight by the flagpole at 3:30. The dotard fights dirty but the rocket man is bringing an anti-aircraft gun. Everybodys gonna be there. Should be good.

After a week of high heat & humidity I have officially transformed into a garden slug.

too damn hot

I'd be a very ineffictive police officer because anytime the heat index is over 100 I'd wouldn't make any arrests or write any tickets. #ItsTooHotLetEmGo #LetsGoGetASlurpee

I was really getting annoyed by the squeaking brakes of the car next to me until he pulled ahead and I realized it was my car that was squeaking. Shit.

I'm halfway thru a book I was really excited to read and its not very good so far. (*smacking book on floor and scolding it) "Be BETTER!!!" 😡👓📖👎

The Will

Mission Goal: Go to Goodwill and find a hawaiian shirt for my trip.
Result: Found 2, also a party board game, paperback book, & unopened atomic clock+calendar+indoor/outdoor/temp. Total price: $13.00.
What I learned: I need to stay the hell away from Goodwill.#HoardingIsBadHoardingIsBadHoardingIsBad

As long as I do not watch a tv show it is apparently guaranteed to win an Emmy

Is exhaustion a reason for me to not exercise or is lack of exercise the reason for my exhaustion? #MeetAtDunkinDonutsToDiscuss

I have a bump on my ear. I think its a bug bite but Web MD assures me its nothing more than a malignant tumor.

recess

Playground merry-go-round was really just a pitching machine that shot out children. Best spot to be was on the outside spinning the tortured souls trying to hold down their lunch.

good book

"If no dunking milk is available, thy MUST split thine cookie in half and scrape off yonder white center filling w/ thy front teeth like a beaver." - The Holy Book of Oreo/29:11

yuck

Grabbed a slice of breakfast pizza 🍕at QT on my way🤸‍♂️🚶‍♂️🏎️ to work to fuel ⛽me up for the morning ☀️but ended up feeling like a car🧟‍♂️💩 with sugar in the gas tank 🤢🤮

Is it me or do brownie tray crumbs somehow taste better than the actual brownies?

What I think I look like when I'm riding my bike vs what I actually look like.

nice day

Bike is in the shop, shoelace broke on my sneaker, & my knee is acting up. There is no better way to enjoy a beautiful day than to NOT feel the need to exercise in it. 😎🌞#SlothIsGoodSlothIsRight

I'm fat, lazy, apathetic, sarcastic,& can't wait to eat the leftover lasagna in my fridge. Instead of aging w/ dignity I've turned into Garfield.

sit in the corner

Do the annoying/ass-hole parts of our personality go w/ us when we die? If so I'm in trouble because I dreamed I went to Heaven but God kept putting me in time-out.

carefully

I leave Walmart w/ eggs in one bag and fragile glass in the other. A flock of kids run around me, I stumble in the parking lot, and then slam the brakes at a light but make it back to work intact. Relieved & proud, I drop the 2 bags onto my desk. #shit

sink drain, school bus, garbage truck,landscape trailer,shuttle van, casual walker:if its slow then I was behind it this morning.

sink drain, school bus, garbage truck,landscape trailer,shuttle van, casual walker:if its slow then I was behind it this morning.sink drain, school bus, garbage truck,landscape trailer,shuttle van, casual walker:if its slow then I was behind it this morning.

What I did over LaborDay Weekend in 100 words. - By David Bornholdt

Not much (x50)

boxes

Happy Surprise: Finding several Amazon packages on your stoop.
Brutal Reality: They all belong to your neighbor.
#IFeelSoUsed #AmazonTeased