2014

Dear 2014,
We had some good times, but you also brought me frustration, mistrust, landed me in the hospital, and drained my savings. You and my ex-wife would actually get along really well. Time for you to go.
Sincerely,
Big D

I love 20 degree weather. Of course, I work in a warm office. If I was a garbage collector, I might be singing a different tune

house stuff

Found out that my slowly sinking screen porch is being supported by my new roof. Eventually it will pull away from the house taking much of the roof with it. Estimated cost to repair is $3,300.00. Anyone have the number of a good arsonist?

It's time for the big screen version of BJ & the Bear.

Jawas

I'll bet the Jawas from Star Wars had the most wacky, cheaply made late night TV commercials on Tatooine to push their New Years Day Madness Sale every year. "No Credit? No Problem! Every Droid Must Go!!!"

days are getting longer again

The days are now getting longer. In no time at all the grass will be growing and the late sunset will remind me of all the outside work I should be doing. Lazy people and darkness: we go together like chocolate and peanut butter.

#‎SantaCyberLeak‬ 4: ‪#‎KeeblerElves‬ are former SC Elves who were banished from the NP for heinous crimes. The tree bakery is actually a halfway house.

stroy unfolding

Right now, unbeknownst to us, a real life event is taking place somewhere in the world that will someday be turned into it a historical film that we will watch and remember where we were at this point in our life.

‪#‎SantaCyberLeak‬ 3: Reindeer games include illegal cockfight gambling.

‪#‎SantaCyberLeak‬ 2: SC's Sleigh utilizes early nuclear stealth technology stolen by spies Julius and Ethel Rosenberg in 1949.

santa leak #1

Santa Cyber Leak #1: Hermey, North Pole's only Elf Dentist for 50+ years, is being accused of drugging and molesting several female elves while they were getting dental work in the 1980s. The statute of limitations have expired but both his reputation and practice are in serious trouble. He is looking to Santa for PR help.

Santa Hacked

NEWS FLASH: Santa's Workshop Latest Victim of North Korean Cyber Attack! Hackers demand Christmas cancelled or else internal documents will be leaked to social media. Pres/CEO S.Claus responded w/ the following quote, "They can stick their threats up their Ho Ho Ho's. Christmas will move forward as scheduled!" More to come..

Is it ironic that getting a bill for a hospital stay made me sick?

cheese on that?

Why does making a burger into a cheeseburger always raise the price a dollar? Way too high of a profit margin. Where are buying this "expensive" cheese? The airport??

Who do I talk to about preventing the umpteenth thousandth cover version of the song BABY ITS COLD OUTSIDE?

house stuff

I may have a new roof over my head but the house is cold because now the furnace is busted. Combine that w/ the bleeding walls & whispering voices at night and I'm starting to think it was a bad idea to save money by buying a house built on an indian burial ground.

roof

They installed my new roof yesterday. The house doesn't feel any different but I HAVE noticed my savings account has all sorts of new space in it and is considerably lighter.

Today is National Ugly Christmas Sweater Day. For some reason, the grand marshal of this event, Bill Cosby, could not be reached for comment.

Santa vs

Batman had Joker and Superman had Lex Luther.. Santa Claus needs an arch enemy. I propose: Silas Claus - Santa's long lost evil twin from the south pole who wears all gray, is surrounded by an army of angry penguins, hates kids, and foils Christmas by greasing the inside of chimneys and spikes Santa's reindeer food with curry powder and colon-blow laxative.

Does the 5 second rule still apply if food is dropped on floor of a public bathroom in a bus station in a bad part of town?

be careful..

I just ate lunch at a Mexican restaurant and, for the first time in my life, the waiter failed to warn me that the plate was hot. Clearly our society is less than a step away from total breakdown.

I'm pretty sure that the original recipe for sushi ended with deep frying but someone lost the 2nd page of the instructions.

I've been told I have a great face for radio.

Its bad that I almost fell asleep while riding my stationary bike last night. It's worse that I snapped awake because I was afraid I was going to run into something.

Rosemary Clooney

On the White Christmas DVD commentary track, the late Rosemary Clooney tells a story of how, when she was institutionalized with a nervous breakdown in 1968, Bing Crosby wrote her a long serious supportive letter while Bob Hope simply sent her a massive display of flowers w/ a note saying "Hope its a Boy".

In case of flooding, be advised the majority of the holiday decorations in your neighborhood can be used as a floatation device.

doctor order

My doctor tells me I need to lose weight. Thinking I could either diet and exercise like a responsible adult or I could get fitted with a Hannibal Lecter mask for a few months. Looks like I'm shopping online tonight.

I'm currently reading through a sample book of designer roof shingles. I'm enjoying the overall story but the writing is kind of rough.

If we hooked an auto-tuner onto Stephen Hawking's voice modulator, I'll bet he could record a nifty Christmas album.

I would be willing to watch ‪#‎PeterPanLive‬ on NBC tonight if Bill Murray was Peter.

old and older stuff

To my middle aged amigos: Remember when VCRs, cable TV, call waiting, cordless phones, microwaves, & answering machines were cool new technology? / To my younger amigos: I'm curious what items you grew up w/ as new that will be outdated and obsolete 30 years down the line.

Today is a black pants/white socks and I don't care kind of day.

Poinsettia: The place where they film dirty movies in Italy

parade jump

Just ONCE I'd like to see someone jump from a rooftop and land on top of one of the cartoon balloons and ride it the rest of the parade route. is that TOO much to ask Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade?????

Is it me or does all new Christmas music sound like a commercial for either the Gap or Old Navy? Give me 'John Denver and the Muppets: a Christmas Together' any day

food buzzz

I propose that every 6th random appetizer or dessert item brought in for office food days be wired with electric shock. Not only would this be an excellent cognitive behavioral therapy technique to minimize snacking but it would be fun as hell to watch.

snowy riot

Officials report that today's scheduled civil unrest, rioting, looting, burning, and window breaking has been cancelled due to snow. These activities will be rescheduled for the convenience of the participating criminal element. The city apologies to the national media for the delay in their completely unbiased/ratings grabbing coverage of the crime wave.

new insurance

My new insurance quadrupled all my prescription deductibles to several hundred $ per month so I'll need some extra cash. Does anyone want to rent a room? Hire a drug mule? Know of the best corners to hold a sign and panhandle?

The plus side of poor sleep due to local news related anxiety/depression is an eventual numbness that will serve nicely as a shield while enduring a family Thanksgiving.

fun fact

In the movie GREASE, the song 'Look at Me, I'm Sandra Dee' (where Stockard Channing grinds next to an Elvis poster) was filmed on August 16, 1977... the same day Elvis Presley died.

Either this is sleet or it's the loudest snow I've ever heard

The only problem with the lava lamp on my desk is that it subconsciously keeps planting the old VH1 'Pop Up Video' theme song in my head.

Ahhhh, nothing like an office birthday food day to once again verify my complete lack of self-control and personal health care. Break room treats.. I am your bitch.

teaching

Instead of being a TA it looks like I'm going to be teaching the next 1-2 ACT101 classes at Meramec. Me teaching a college course inspires all the confidence of a Sniper Training course taught by Stevie Wonder.

I should be able to order a steak at Steak 'n Shake. ‪#‎baitandswitch

politics

I never engage in political debate because all parties believe THEY have the only credible sources. Its an unwinnable stalemate every time only resulting in tension and mutual distain. If I wanted that I'd go back to my ex wife.

danger zone

This morning I slept thru 3 alarms, pulled out in front of oncoming cars twice, and took a huge gulp of boiling hot tea. Somehow, my internal safety switch has flicked itself from Self-Preservation mode to the "Y'all Watch This" setting.

Friday Night TV

Dear Networks, Since a Friday night slot is a death sentence for any program placed there, why not just run dead shows? I'm talking a whole evening of full, original lines ups (commercials too) from 1977, 1969, 1983, 1995, etc. If no one is watching anyway.. who will notice? Thanks, Dave B

nothing makes me want to drink water or urinate more being told the water has been turned off for the next few hours.

Stars from the 80s were so much more down to earth. Everyone who met Madonna, Cher, Bono, and Prince, were immediately on a first name basis with them.

My umbrella keeps opening inside out, so whenever I go past a store window I hold it in front of me and run like I'm dragged by a hurricane wind.

vote

If you want a bigger turn out on ‪#‎ElectionDay‬ then turn the ballots into scratch off game pieces: 1 in 10 wins a free Pepsi; 1 in 50 wins double the vote; 1 in 500 wins a free Xbox; 1 in 2500 wins a free speeding ticket fix; and 1 in 10,000 wins a seat in the senate.

OCLLD

Obsessive Compulsive Leaf & Lawn Disorder (OCLLD): is an anxiety disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts about falling leaves that produce uneasiness, apprehension, fear or worry that more than 3 will land on their grass at a time and immediately kill it. As a result, they feel an irresistible need to stand in their yard and rake and dispose of each leaf as it falls rather than wait for them all to come down and dispose of them all at once like a normal person. The best way to help people suffering from this affliction is to hide their rake & leaf blower for their own good until all the trees are bare. In time.. they will thank you for it

Found a spot to dispose of the pile of soot from last night's bonfire. As it turns out, my pumpkin was a REAL ash-hole

So, when I turn the clocks back tonight, does that mean I get an automatic re-do on anything I did during that free hour the first time?

I broke the nose brace on my glasses so they sit crooked on my face. Now everything looks slightly sideways like a villain's lair on Batman.

So many bonfires planned for tonight along with booze, candy, high winds and multitudes of dry leaves. What could go wrong?

Happy Halloween! Or, as it's known by the person who holds the rights to the song 'The Monster Mash', The Most$$Wonderful$$Day of the Year!

lunch flick

In 91' I was a college intern at U.E. Media Dept. During lunch in the conference room they would bring in their VHS rentals, narrate & FF thru the slow stuff and watch the highlights. Called it Fast Forward Theater. Best lunch hours ever.

I bought a card table & chairs set last night at ‪#‎Schnucks‬ for $39.99. This is the closest I've come to a new furniture purchase in 5 years. My life is a wild ride.

My chimney & roof estimate is close to $7,500.00. Giving serious consideration to just peeling it all off and changing my top floor to an extended 8 room sun deck.

Would the Beatles still have been famous if they had named themselves the Head Lice?

day off

Yesterday it seemed every move I made was unwise. If today is no better, then tomorrow I set up a fake Ferris Bueller style Ebola symptom self quarantine and head out for some time off.

Everyone has that one really good camera angle that frames them well. Mine is behind the wall 2 rooms over.

I've been writing the script for "Weekend at Bernies 3: Bernie 25 Years Later" but the studio says there's not much left to work with

For some people, facing the sunrise on their way to work is a peaceful, tranquil, beautiful experience. For me, it's like driving directly into a nuclear flash.

If the town of Wagga Wagga Austrailia does not have Fozzie Bear as their official mascot, they are missing out on a golden opportunity.

If Tonka made a functioning, full size, bright yellow car... I'd buy it.

If history repeats itself then when is transatlantic Zeppelin flight coming back?

if elected...

So, if I believe what I hear on TV, every incumbent who is up for reelection does nothing but steal, take bribes, and beat up kittens, while every challenger for the seat is my friend, will never spend a dime, will create thousands of jobs, and literally can walk on water.

I have such poor coordination prowess that I live in fear of failing a roadside police sobriety test when I'm 100% sober.

I'm not worried about the kids in my neighborhood dressing up as Ferguson protesters this Halloween so much as the ones going as Ferguson looters.

The ‪#‎SpiceGirls‬ would have lasted longer if the group included a short, fat, bass voiced girl named Pumpkin.

Since the Last Supper was a group of 10 or more was there an automatic 18% gratuity included on the check?

I don't know how but my phone managed to ring and call itself in my pocket. Either that or future me was trying to call me again. I hate it when I don't leave me a message.

This morning I was behind a car w/ an anti-abortion bumper sticker and a severed Halloween corpse arm hanging out of the trunk. Pick a plan and go with it lady.

chim chimeny

My chimney is leaking so I've got a guy coming tomorrow to inspect it. I've never met him but I anticipate he'll look like Dick Van Dyke, speak w/ a heavy cockney accent, & have soot on his face.

I hate it when I look in the mirror hoping to see Superman only to find H.R Pufnstuf staring back at me.

Political attack ads should be the soundtrack for all haunted houses.

snot funny

It seems that the bright neon yellow glowing gunk I'm coughing up and blowing out indicates either I have an upper respiratory virus or I've unknowingly digested a bunch of kryptonite. If I sneeze and kill Superman.. I'll know what's what.

music

When I was young, idealistic, and full of optimism, romantic songs and power ballads really motivated me. But ironically, now that I'm older, jagged, & worn down by experience, I can realistically relate more to these songs but w/out the fire of youth they no longer move me.

sick

I was sick in bed all day yesterday. Today I'm well enough to be at work but still sick enough to feel like a mix between Reverend Jim from Taxi and Jim Morrison but better than Jimmy Hoffa.

This much rain has eventually made the whole city smell moldy and dank like unwashed gym clothes.

fishing

People spend so much money on fishing boats and gear that I'm surprised no one has marketed a recreational jon boat sized submarine with windows and expandable nets and grabber arms. Now THATS fishing.

This afternoon I watched Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock and I'm pretty sure most of the costumes were purchased at Lane Bryant

starvin Marvin

If I adopt one of those starving Feed-the-Children kids in Africa for 70 cents a day I want it in writing that he'll take my last name AND be liable to take care of me in my golden years when I'm senile and incontinent.

If I choke a smurf, will his face turn white?

enveloping

The sealer in the postage machine is broken at work so this morning I licked 18 envelopes before mailing them. I feel fine.. except my tongue is stuck to my teeth, bright colors are really intense, and the raindrops are speaking to me in french.

I wonder if squirrels think of rats as embarrassing, white trash, acorn mooching, smelly cousins?

I'd pay extra to have my flu shot delivered without warning by a bond-villain using a blow dart from a concealed position in an air vent.

If random drug testing included detection of Oreos or Twinkies my career would be in jeopardy

Lazyboy

Dear La-Z-Boy Furniture People,
Please develop a recliner with an anti-sleep electric shock sensor option.
Thanks, Dave B / PS - You might want to include some plastic lining on those models because I might pee a little

#‎Ebola‬ would be a great name for a bowling app

baby dozer

I constantly drive by crews using those tiny bull dozers. Where is the tiny dump truck, tiny concrete mixer truck, and tiny crane? I'd like to be the first kid on the block to collect the whole toy set.

They say all fashion eventually comes back around into style again so my white bedazzled Elvis jumpsuit, cape, and boots, continue to wait patiently in my closet.

From a customer service perspective, my position requires enough political ass kissing that I should be able to write off chapstick as a business expense.

Godfather

#‎Godfather‬ Fact: According to Francis Ford Coppola on the DVD commentary, Lenny Montana (Luca Brasi) could barely get through his thank you scene w/ Don Corleone because Brando (a huge practical joker) had his back to the camera and put a sign on his forehead that read "F*#@ You".

Dear PopRocks,

Dear PopRocks,
Please set up a lunch with the diabetic pharmaceuticals people about creating some sugar free crackle/pop medication.
Thanks, Dave B

movie pass

Just scored free preview tickets for this movie tonight. Sweeet!! I love being part of a test audience. Makes me feel like a mouse being clocked by scientists as I make my way through a maze to get my cinematic cheese reward at the end.

Success is one percent inspiration, 98 percent perspiration, and 2 percent attention to detail. - Phil / Modern Family

It would be great if my office building came with one of those soundproof, glass walled, Church cry-rooms for the occasional therapeutic scream break.

waiting by the mailbox

I have a box of cigars being delivered today. This is awesome. Not getting my box-top-earned-captain-crunch-treasure-chest-in-the-mail-in-1976-awesome. But awesome just the same.

I'll bet the guy who invented the rubber band just did it so he could annoy the guy working at the desk next to him.

Remember the cartoon where the Tasmanian devil swallows dynamite, then it explodes in his stomach? That's me after wolfing down a QT hot dog.

need sleep

After my 2nd night without sleep, I put my shirt on inside out, accidentally microwaved a dog biscuit, and used a neighbors flower bed for a passing lane. Otherwise I'm perfectly fine.

BBird

So Big Bird (who's "Jurassic Park" origins were never explained) is now over 45 years old with the mind of a child. Someone needs to cast him as Lennie in the next Broadway production of 'Of Mice and Men'.

the bush

I took on a way overgrown bush with an electric trimmer and an old step ladder yesterday. Long story short: I cut through my extension cord, got the trimmer stuck in the top thicket, and fell into the thing. The bush won.

20 minutes after my massage and I still feel like a large stack of vanilla pudding.

deer

I have a theory that there are a lot of deer out there with over inflated egos who stand next to a highway, see an oncoming truck, and say to their buddy, "I can take him."

Somewhere, someone is busy trying to write the Broadway musical version of Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

Toilets should be rigged to play the Pac-Man end of game music with every flush.

"Do me a favor. Put your lip over your head... and swallow." - Walter Matthau / Grumpy Old Men

(YAWN!!!!!) Go ahead. You know you want to.

If the garage isn't for sale she shouldn't have put the damn sign up her yard.

I'll bet arsonists carry their own CD music mixes titled "Groovy Burn Tunes" that start with 'Light My Fire', has 'Disco Inferno' in the middle, and end with 'Smoke Gets In Your Eyes'.

Went to Red Lobster for dinner last night and neither of us ordered any seafood. Felt like going to a full service car wash just for the vacuum and air freshener.

foot problems, bad knee, back issues, blood sugar, and I think I'm getting a cold: if the body is an amazing machine then mine is Apollo 13.

"David Bornholdt" is filmed before a live studio audience.

I feel cheated that as I get older and become less of a night person I'm not getting any closer to remotely being a morning person.

presidential life expectancy

Judging from those before & after wear & tear photos, I wonder if single term presidents statistically live longer than two term presidents? (FDR doesn't count because his 3 terms throws off the grading curve.)

monday

Fun Fact: If you eliminate the radio, wind, and engine noise of Monday morning drive time, you can actually hear the marching sound and mournful "Oh-wee-oh. Ohhhhooo" song of the wicked witches' solders on their way into her gloomy castle.

Some people need to have a brand new convertible to enjoy a Sunday cruise on a nice day but all I need is an old car with a sunroof and I'm just as happy — feeling cool.

ah-choo

I'm walking through the Target parking lot and this guy sitting in a car sneezes. A girl walking from the other direction looked up and, thinking it was me, smiled and Blessed me as we passed. So now I have this extra Blessing I didn't earn that I need to pass on before it spoils.

ken burns

When I die I want Ken Burns to do a PBS documentary on my life. (Ofcourse I'll have to pay extra for him to make up some interesting stuff about me. I'm thinking... maybe.. deep undercover CIA assassin.)

They may call them "strike anywhere" matches but I'll be damned if I can get a flame sparked from anything but the box

arrrgh

To celebrate talk like a pirate day, today only, all Somali pirates are allowed to seize and ransom any merchant ship they can catch on the high seas without fear of prosecution. (offer good while supplies last, void where prohibited, some restrictions apply)

back

Most people injure their backs playing sports, moving furniture, or working out. Me? I did it by sitting in a movie theater. Apparently, I can't even WATCH people being active without hurting myself. — feeling pained.

BBQ ribs are too much effort for not enough meat. Would be much easier to eat a single pork steak and then rub sauce all over my hands, face, & shirt.

Dear food scientists: On behalf of crushed loaves of bread from car trunks everywhere, it's clearly time to invent the square watermelon. Thanks.

black cloud

I left my house and car windows open for this morning's rain showers, my PC was down for virus repairs all morning, got a wicked paper cut, had 2 screaming VMs & 5 angry emails, spilled water on my crotch, dropped my keys in a puddle, have nasty heartburn from lunch... and it's only 1:20. Seems I've enlisted in the black cloud army: who's motto is "We'll see that more bad shit happens to you before 9am than most people get all day"

shit creek

If I add up all the energy I put into trying to exercise and eat right but subtract the times I just eat whatever sounds good it's like I'm in a canoe paddling hard upstream using a pool cue for an oar.

Now is ze time on Sprockets vhen ve dance!

rumble

Sometimes when I'm sitting quietly & my stomach makes loud gurgling noises I look down and envision the inhabitants of Fraggle Rock in there running for their lives as their caverns flood w/ digestive acid. My mind is a scary place.

here she is....

If you want a proper update, stick the top 5 Miss America finalists in a caged ring with the crown hanging over it. Give them a ladder, 2 working fire hoses, and assorted blunt weapons. The one who gets out of there with the crown wins.

I'm going to be an unpaid TA for an Acting 101 night class at SLCC at Meramec this fall. And they told me I'd never "make it" in the theater world. HA!

history

It occurred to me that in the last 9 years I've only been pulled over twice and ironically, for running the SAME damn stop sign. If history has a need to repeat itself why can't it be something good, like finding a $20 bill on a parking lot?

Bad news is I got a ticket today for running a stop sign in my neighborhood. Good news is I get to keep the stop sign after I pry it from the undercarriage of my car.

robe

Twice today the sleeve of my robe has snagged on the ball of my stair rail almost flipping me over the edge. I'm wondering if monks encounter this problem every day?

feelin chill

After months of being constantly bitch-slapped and pushed around by the evil, nightmarish prison warden of summer heat & humidity, a cold gray day is like the cool, sweet, kiss of freedom by the beautiful angel of fall.

can't find x & don't care y

Last night I had a long nightmare I was stuck in a college algebra class I didn't understand. When I woke up and convinced myself it was only a dream and that I'd graduated decades ago I spoke my first words of the day.. "Math can suck it."

I'll bet the mafia has some hilarious super secret handshakes.

I often have trouble remembering all the lyrics to the theme song from Batman.

My car is getting so old and worn that it's starting to smell like that couch you keep in your basement family room that you really don't care what happens to anymore.

That's right. It's after labor day and I'm wearing a white shirt. Why? Because the ladies love a bad boy.

junk tour

Starting from the assembly line, every vehicle should carry a running recorded diary and description of all it's owners, locations, occupations, musical playlist, decorations, payload, and anecdotes- including details and backstory of it's final wreck or breakdown. This way, junk yards could provide self guided audio walking tours for the morbidly curious. Kind of like carfax- meets-a Ken Burns documentary.

monday dash

Trying to get started on Monday morning for me is akin the starting line of the 30 meter dash at the Nursing Home Olympics.. when they fire the starting gun 3 people fall over, 1 rolls backwards, and 2 start off w/ a slow hobble with walkers. That is my speed out of the gate.

dog

Yesterday, my 14yr old mutt thankfully survived being sedated for a dental cleaning. At her age she doesn't bounce back fast and the poor thing was weaving, wobbling, and slumping around like she was in an alcoholic stupor when she wasn't passed out last night. This morning she was more lively but clearly hung over. I'm just happy she woke up.

outsiders

After 31 years of procrastinating I finally got around to watching The Outsiders last night. For a movie that launched more careers than the casting couch I was expecting a little more 'Rebel Without a Cause' and a lot less 'ABC Afterschool Special'. Very cheesy.

Geographically speaking, shouldn't the devil have gone UP to Georgia?

take another road

When I bicycle the Missouri trail system as a rule I never look at maps. that way every once in awhile I come across a new road I've never been on before. It's always worked out well for me (except for that one time in Deliverance but I don't want to talk that)

I would pay damn good money to see "Pulp Fiction on Ice"

I wonder who would win in a back alley brawl between the Swiss Miss and Little Debbie?

writing

Some people KNOW they have the next great American novel in them just waiting to be written. As for me, at BEST, I might have a page-a-day calendar in there someplace.

labor day

Today is the one day of the year that hospitals should only charge half price for delivering babies (or twins two for one)

weather

Last night I slept through 2 weather alarms on my cell, a tornado siren, and the storm itself. Mother Nature needs a snooze setting.

Are multi-level parking garages like being plugged into the matrix for cars?

spaghetti

It appears my culinary expertise does not extend to getting spaghetti from the box to the pot without dropping a minimum of 5-10 noodles that will be randomly discovered on my kitchen floor over the next week.

close one

There is something cool about an isolated summer thunder/lightening storm rolling in that always makes me feel like I'm in Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Dammit.. this MEANS something!!!

ac

So if what our parents warned us about is true, we can all stand with the front door open and air-condition the whole neighborhood. I say it's worth a try dammit.

meds

When I was a kid I'd get a free toy when I was good at the doctor. Later, my dentist started giving me a goody bag w/ toothbrush, toothpaste, and floss. Now I walk out of my doctor's office with a bag full of free prescription sample boxes. All things being equal, I'd prefer the toy.

flowers

Last night I was picking up some groceries for my Mom and for no reason, I had a spur of the moment instinct to pick her up some flowers. Turns out yesterday was the 66th anniversary of she and my late father's first date (The SS Admiral, 1948). They celebrated that date as much as their wedding for decades. I think Dad was somehow pointing me to that floral section.

symphony

I would support the St. Louis Symphony Orchestra a lot more if they would dedicate 2 or more performances a season to nothing but classic TV theme songs.

heat

I'm retreating to a deep, cool, underground cave to hibernate until the St. Louis stops doing its impression of the surface of the sun. Somebody wake me in the fall.

What's Out: Ice Bucket Challenge / What's In: Fire Hose Challenge (Will YOU take a 290 psi spray for charity?)

how was your morning?

Had to fast for a morning blood draw so caffeine. Then surprised by a urine sample request (which came too late) so I was given a to go cup. Went to grab breakfast at McD's but it was not only closed.. the building was leveled. Went to Hardee's instead which my stomach is telling me was a serious mistake. Still have another Dr. appt, a cup to fill & deliver, a full work day, and a 100 degree lawn mow ahead today. My #blackcloud has the upper hand for this round.

too darn hot

Ahhh.. there's nothing quite like the heat & humidity of a St. Louis August! Oh wait. Yes there is. You could dress in winter flannel, then sit under an Arby's heat lamp, and have someone repeatedly drop a moldy sleeping bag drenched with hot dirty dishwater on top of you. That might come close

simpsons

For those about to sit through the entire FXX 12 day marathon of 26 years of ‪#‎TheSimpsons‬ episodes, remember to take before & after pics of yourself. You'll start out as Ned Flanders and wind up Homer Simpson

Ever been on a flight where the pilot's name was Otto?

icebucket

My coworker challenged me to this charity thing so I threw a metal ice bucket at her head. The arresting officer tells me I got the concept wrong.

med

I'm not saying the needles are big on this new ‪#‎diabetes‬ injection I have to take every week, but when I poked it into my stomach I'm pretty sure it came out my back.

The best part about being slow to wake up is that my brain has no idea that it's Monday morning yet.

crunch

If the love between Pinkie Tuscadero and Arthur Fonzarelli could survive the dreaded Malachi Crunch but couldn't survive the rest of the season, then what hope is there for the rest of us I ask?

restroom

Why is it that the motion activated faucets in public restrooms only give tiny 3 second water bursts when the soap dispensers plop out softball sized portions of foam?

dog

As I looked in my side-view mirror I saw my dog sticking her head out into the wind. I wondered if she heard Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World" in her head as she looked around or just simply thought, "Humans are such assholes."

"Death is nature's way of saying, "Your table's ready."" — Robin Williams

Do sharks have Human Week?

I'm trying to delay starting the race of activity I have ahead of me today so I hid the starter gun.

As a diabetic I find it fascinating that there's a chance my autopsy could list my cause of death as Fruit Loops.

leak

As I measure the water spot in my ceiling I debate whether to invest in a new roof or to tear out the chimney flume and install a 2 story indoor waterfall.

I'll bet almonds act all high & mighty and snub the other nuts when they are all in that mixed container together.

my vote

I will vote for whichever candidate promises to do a full time Wolf man Jack impression during every speech while in office. ‪#‎mypolitics

slip n slide

Is it wrong that I'm planning to set up a slip n slide for the neighborhood kids with the end of it pointing down a sewer drain?

insurance

Today I have to call my medical insurance provider and inquire about coverage on several new potential prescriptions. I'm pretty sure that disarming a bomb on a galloping horse in a blinding hailstorm at midnight would be an easier task.

out of office email

New Game: During July & August whoever gets the most automated 'out of office on vacation for the week' email responses wins a free trip to Disneyworld*. (*travel, lodging, food, and park entrance fees not included)

sorry about that

On my way to work this morning I unpeeled my banana too far, hit a bump, and watched 80% of it break off and fall out the window. I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to the bicyclist riding behind me.

addiction

Damn you Jack in the Box Sourdough Jack burger,, why can't I quit you?

seatcover

So we're standing in front of a large display of toilet seats at Lowes last night trying to make a selection, and I'm wondering why there aren't more wild designs (like on phone covers). Where was the Marvel Avenger's seat?the Hello Kitty cover? the Orange is the New Black Prison Pot? or Game of Thrones Throne?

bubbles

I took a swig of Diet Coke which went down the wrong way, caused me to cough which led to a carbonated nasal exit. Now I'm sniffling bubbles and feel like my nose has been power washed. ‪#‎blackcloud

key

I found a key on my key ring I do not recognize. Either 1) it belongs to something from years ago I do not remember, or 2) my future self travelled back in time to give me a vital clue, or 3) someone has planted false evidence on me to frame me.

sniff test

Pork fried rice looks/smells kind of funky before it ever goes into the fridge as a leftover, so how will I know when it goes bad?

Dad

Last night my nieces pulled out a video interview they did with my Mom & Dad 4 years ago for fun I had never seen before. Dad's been gone now well over a year and it was amazing, touching, and a little sad to see and hear him again. The best part is that I learned a few things about him in his stories I never knew before. Even after death Bud Bornholdt still had a few surprises for me. RIP Pop.

road dot

They are repaving Sappington Rd and put temporary paint dots on the black top to mark the lanes. These dot lanes get bigger, smaller, intersect, and cross each other. I'm thinking of setting up a lawn chair and a camcorder at the worst spot. Accident videos for sale (background Benny Hill Soundtrack extra.)

tired

I did not sleep well last night. Therefore, the rest of the day will be played out in slow motion. Thank you.

50 minutes back into the work week and I'm ready for another vacation.

advice

Thanks again everyone for making yesterday such a fantastic B-Day. If I had to pass vital wisdom onto the younger generation, I'd say you should ALWAYS remember to-...ooh look! Leftover cake! Sweeeet.

45

When I was a kid, 45 seemed REALLY old, but now that I've reached it, I realize that I was absolutely correct.

key memory

Got a new keyboard at the office and suddenly my fingers don't go the right keys. My typing skills are back to Helen Keller learning WATER.

I'll have what she's having

Today is the 25th anniversary of the release of When Harry Met Sally. The movie that every guy in America in trouble if they answered incorrectly when their girl asked him if she was high or low maintenance.

treat

My hands were full so I was carrying a milkbone snack for my dog in my teeth when I stubbed my toe and bit down. Not too bad really. Tastes like the cheap cookies I bought in my college days.

My kingdom for a snowstorm.

dead broke

I don't mind the idea of dying penniless, (in fact, there's a smug satisfaction to that.) it's the living penniless before the death that would suck.

germ x

The pump on my Germ-X Sanitizer bottle has dried goo in the nozzle so when I push on the stuff squirts everywhere but in my palm. So far my calendar, PC screen, eyeglasses, stapler, and full mug of tea are victims of friendly fire.

elvis

If Elvis was alive today he'd be in a rehab facility for a cronut addiction.

cinderella

On what shelf in the Disney Vault is the footage of the alternate ending of Cinderella where her first royal order after the wedding is the public beheading of her 3 stepsisters?

black cloud

My car key keeps getting stuck in the ignition, my laptop is still dead in the water, I'm absorbing the workload of a former coworker, I slipped on some water in the garage, bit my tongue, and had a drawer knob come off in my hand. So how goes your day?

rot

Pulling a full trash can to the curb in the heat of a July afternoon I would imagine contains the same amount of smell and insect challenge that a mafia soldier endures when he has to dig up a body and rebury it somewhere else.

July 4 2004

Exactly 10 years ago today I was in Melbourne, Australia and disappointed there were no fireworks displays to go to. It's like, this country (that is still under the rule of the Queen of England) had no enthusiasm at all to celebrate America's independence from the English or something. How rude.

BOOM!

To all the backwoods firework enthusiast white trash dudes out there who are going to celebrate the 4rth via blown off fingers and singed eyebrows tomorrow right after the traditional rally cry of, "Hey y'all watch THIS!" ..I salute you. (And remember to bring an IPod to the ER because you can't flip thru a magazine w/ no thumb & index finger)

unicorns

Some people believe unicorns exist. I believe people who own white horses and have access to glue, tape, and sugar ice cream cones exist.

It's a shame I never had the courage to pursue my lifelong dream of professional Kazoo playing.

I'd only consider getting an Apple iPhone w/ Siri if I could change her voice to Roger Rabbit.

lair

When a super villain builds a secret mountain lair/missile silo how much extra does the contractor charge him for the female voiced automated countdown on the self destruct feature?

You can learn a lot about a paranoid person just buy stalking them for a few weeks

VM

*You've reached the desk of David Bornholdt. Due to the high humidity & 105 degree heat index forecast, I will be working today from inside the walk in refrigerator at the Quick Trip 2 blocks over. Please leave your message at the tone and I will return your call when the weather no longer resembles the west side of hell. Thank you for your patience and cooperation.*

wet dream

The cap on my chillow pillow came off during the night and dumped 8 cups of water onto the bed as I slept. That would explain why I kept dreaming I was on a waterslide.

I'm pretty sure my dog thinks I'm a dumbass.

snack

Jokes on the tiger. He may have had a sudden craving for carryout indian food, but later that night he would have traded his stripes for a few bottles of Pepto Bismal. http://news.yahoo.com/tiger-leaps-onto-boat-snatches-man-east-india-090431380.html?soc_src=mediacontentstory

shia

I think Shia needs to go to his room and think about what he did wrong. And while he's in there he needs to think up a new first name.

http://movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx?news=875058#scpshrjwfbshttp://movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx?news=875058#scpshrjwfbs

This office needs a bubble machine.

Last night I slept on a chillow pillow for the first time. It was like a mini waterbed for my skull.

MJ

It's been 5 years today since the untimely passing of Michael Jackson. The nation paused for a moment of silence to celebrate all the little boys who will never know his touch. 

shades

I used to think that people wore dark sunglasses while running, walking, or biking in the park to keep the sun out of their eyes until I realized the main purpose is just to size up total strangers without making eye contact

gamer

Dear Gamer Friends,
When you actually get shot playing Call of Duty or arrested for killing all those hookers on Grand Theft Auto, give me a call. Until then.. pass.

s*@t happens

I did not write this. I'm not sure who did. It's on a poster I have. But if today is anything like yesterday, I need to remind myself...

EVERYBODY KNOWS...SHIT HAPPENS

TAOISM - "if you understand shit, it isn't shit"
HINDUISM - "this shit happened before"
CONFUCIANISM - "Confucious say 'shit happens'"
BUDDHISM - "shit will happen to you again"
ZEN - "what is the sound of shit happening?"
ISLAM - "if shit happens, it is the will of Allah"
SIKHISM - "leave our shit alone"
JEHOVA'S WITNESS - "knock. knock. shit happens"
ATHEISM - "i don't believe this shit"
AGNOSTICISM - "can you prove that shit happpens?"
CATHOLICISM - "if shit happens, you deserve it"
PROTESTANTISM - "shit happens, amen to that"
JUDAISM - "why does shit always happen to us?"
ORTHODOX JUDAISM - "so shit happens, already"
TELEVANGELISM - "send money or shit will happen to you"
RASTAFARIANISM - "let's smoke this shit"
HARE KRISHNA - "shit happens rama rama"
NATION OF ISLAM - "don't take no shit"
NEW AGE - "visualize shit happening"
SHINTOISM - "you inherit shit of your ancestors"
HEDONISM - "i love it when shit happens"
SATANISM - "sneppah tihs"
CAPITALISM - "this is MY shit"
FEMINISM - "men are shit"
EXISTENTIALISM - "what is shit, anyway?"
SCIENTOLOGY - "if shit happens, see Dianetics p.137"
MORMONISM - "excrement happens" (don't say shit)
BAPTISM - "we'll wash the shit right off you"
MYSTICISM - "this is really weird shit"
VOODOO - "shit doesn't just happen - we made it happen"
DISNEYISM - "bad shit doesn't happen here"
COMMUNISM - "let's share the shit"
MARXISM - "you have nothing to lose but your shit"
CONSPIRACY THEORISM - "THEY shit on us!"
PSYCHO-ANALYSIS - "tell me about your shit"
DARWINISM - "survival of the shittiest"
AMISH - "modern shit is useless"
SUICIDAL - "i've had enough of this shit"
OPTIMISM - "shit won't happen to me"
TREKISM - "to boldly shit where no-one has shat before"
SHAKESPEAREAN - "to shit or not to shit, that is the question"
DESCARTES - "i shit, therefore i am"
FREUD - "shit is a phallic symbol"
LAWYERS - "for enough money, I can get you out of shit"
ACUPUNCTURIST - "hold still or this shit's gonna hurt"
DOG - "i just shit in your shoe"
CAT - "dogs are shit"
MOUSE - "oh shit! a cat!"
POLITICALLY CORRECT - "internally processed,
nutritionally drained, biological output happens"
EINSTEIN - "shit is relative"
FAMILY GATHERING - "relatives are shit"
MATERIALISM - "whoever dies with the most shit, wins"
VEGETARIANISM - "if it shits, don't eat it"
FATALISM - "oh shit, it's going to happen"
ENVIRONMENTALISM - "shit is biodegradable"
AMERICANISM - "who gives a shit?"
STATISTICIAN - "shit is 84.7% likely to happen"
HIP-HOP - "motherfuck this shiznit, beeatch!"
TANTRISM - "fuck this shit"
CYNICISM - "we are all full of shit"
SURREALISM - "fish happens"
WICCA - "you can make shit happen but shit will happen to you three times"

hulk smash

I'm treading dangerous waters today. No matter what I say seems to get me in deeper trouble to whoever I'm speaking to. I'm attempting to hide as a result but people keep finding me. Now I know how Dr. David Banner felt.

hit pause / nap / hit play

movies

(whispers) wehrenberg

bills

Ok my bills are all paid and as long as I don't drive a car eat any food or do any extra curricular activities for the next two weeks I'll be just fine

lawn

In years past mowing the lawn on a hot summer afternoon was just another chore to check off the list. now its like the last leg of a marathon that I have to continually talk myself through to finish

free lunch

Shapeshifters never pay for lunch. They just continually change bodies until they fill up on free samples in the food court.

I believe in crystal light...

Does Crystal Light contain 50% of the ingredients of Crystal Meth?

DMV

So I'm at the DMV getting my tags and I ask the teller how much to make out the check for. "A million dollars." she replied. "Fine," I said, "as long as I can make it out for 2 million and get the change back."

dmv

I prepare for a trip to the DMV with the same level of dread as a suicide mission assignment in wartime.

dip

I hate onions but enjoy french onion dip. (head in hands) What in the hell is WRONG with me?!?!?!!!

ac

Sometimes I think it would have been better to have been born in the 1940s, but then I step outside of the air conditioning and all that noise stops real quick.

bedtime

I'm to the point where my body now tells me it's time to go to bed around 11pm but my brain negotiates the proposal for another hour or so.

hampster dave

‎New idea‬ : An AIR CONDITIONED human sized hamster ball and habitrail to keep me from dealing with any version or summer heat and humidity. ‪#‎daveintheplasticbubble

if things got desperate..

I would never make it as a cat burglar. I'd be more of a drunken rhinoceros burglar.

wc

Saturday night I purchased 90 White Castles which my brother & I served butler style on silver platters as a late snack at my niece's wedding. This morning my car trunk still smells like road kill & grilled onions.

new rule

NO posting of the plate of food in front of you unless there is a dead bug in it.

moon

Tonight is a full moon and the price of NAIR just went up. Coincidence? I think not

13

Catchers Mask, goggles, elbow & knee pads, flak vest, riding boots, gloves, fire extinguisher, bubble wrap, & pollen mask. All set for ‎Friday the 13‬. Now I have to pee.. DAMMIT!

12 years a bumble

And so, the once proud & fierce Bumble Snow Monster, was captured, enslaved, and exploited by "the man" (Yukon 'the marauder' Cornelius) and forced into a sad life of Christmas star topping and applesauce gumming for the rest of his miserable days.

My roof leak at Camp David is getting worse and can no longer be patched, my AC unit is on it's last legs, something from the master bath is leaking into the garage, and my screen porch floor continues to warp as it slowly sinks into the mud. At this point I'm hoping for a combo tornado/lightening strike because it would be easier to just start again from scratch.

let my cameron go

prince

Well I'll be damned. When I was outside I listened very closely and that IS what it sounds like when doves cry.

dog

2 hanging water bottles consumed since last night plus a full bowl in the kitchen. It's time to face it.. my dog has a drinking problem.

cable

My cable went out Saturday and Charter can't send anyone to fix it until Tuesday afternoon. I now know how Tom Hanks felt in the movie Castaway.

tuff stuff

In the event of a nuclear holocaust, the only things tough enough to survive will be roaches and mini tootsie rolls.

black cloud

Last night I accidentally sat in dog urine for 40 minutes, this morning I spilled a full travel mug of hot water all over the counter and under the microwave, and this afternoon I choked on my gum while coughing & in the process shot it onto my PC screen. bravo #blackcloud

fight

I still remember my first fight. I lost. But in fairness I was pushed into it and my opponent was bigger & meaner than me. Her name was Sandy.

goals

My coworker got up this morning and did 40 jumping jacks, 20 sit ups, 10 push ups, 25 squats, & 20 lunges. While I managed to pull myself out of bed AND pat the dog twice on the head on my way to the kitchen. We both struggled but achieved our goals.

ssshh

Ssshh. Just shut up. You had me at "Sir, I think you're in my chair."

cloud

It's clouding up so I went to the parking lot to close my car windows. Making this trip is the best way to ensure that it will not actually rain.

go me

I pulled out 2 weeds on my way to the car. To me, this is tremendous productivity.

crack

I'm not sure it's cheapness, laziness, or apathy but I'm much more interested in which direction the crack in my windshield is going than getting it fixed.

weather

Yet another in a chain of days in the upper 80s w/ occasional showers and high humidity. Wonderful weather... if you're a mold spore.

blood test

Don't you hate it when you get a voicemail at night saying you need to call your doctor to discuss blood test results the next day? They might as well just say "I'm just calling to ruin your night and make you worry every minute until our next regular business hours begin. Have Fun!"

cube toy

Dear Mattel,
Please invent a working Hot Wheels Racetrack that can be installed on the walls of an office cubicle. I promise you will tap a whole new age bracket of buyers and double your profits. Thanks. - Dave B

funky

Had dinner last night in a restaurant with an uncomfortably high ratio of sweaty, unwashed senior citizens. God Bless these nice old folks but the place smelled like a nursing home's dirty laundry hamper. Bon appétit.

idea

I'm going to invent a laxative marketed to the military and name it CALL OF DOODY

clean

Cleaned, dusted, vacuumed, and mopped Camp David yesterday for the first time in waaay too many months. It now smells like a hotel room when I walk in. I have a strong urge to steal my own towels and shampoo bottles.

squirrel

My Squirrel has launched his latest offensive in our war. The telephone line going into my house has chew marks. I think he's trying to cut off my communication so when he attacks I can't call for help. But I'm ready for him. When he gets in here, I'm going to blow up the house. THAT'll teach him!!

Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas,
and I was pondering the miracle this holiday is about.
Perhaps I don't really have a black cloud..
Just at that moment, the Cable & Internet went out.

squirrel

While backing out of the garage this morning I paused to hit the CLOSE button and looked to my left and there he was.. staring me down like a gunfighter. I winced and stared back. A show down. Then I hit the horn and he went up like a rocket. 2011 Score: Dave: 1 / Squirrel: zero

walgreens

Had to use the men's room at Walgreens tonight. After completion of my task the stall door was jammed shut. I had to violently shake it open. Then I cursed as the tap water came out boiling hot onto my hand. When I reached for the door to leave someone coming in crashed it into my open fingers. As I rubbed my damaged fist on the way out the girl stocking the shelf outside asked me if I won the fight in there.

pizza

Tonight I was washing my hands in the bathroom at Domino's when I spotted one of those Glade Scent & Spray things. Curious, I bent in to take a closer look just as the thing shot off an automatic spray right into my face. "Hawaiian Breeze" does NOT taste as good as it smells. Even with friggin' air freshener.. this is how it works for me.

monkey poop

Did you ever have one of those moods when you just know that if you were a monkey in the zoo, you'd just spend the whole day throwing your poop at people? No? Maybe it's me then.

night

I remember driving home from the Muny with my Mom one night when I was in highschool. As we rolled down the busy highway I'll never forget what she told me... "The doctor told me I'm legally blind in the dark and shouldn't drive at night."

tea

This morning I noticed that my tea bag contains 175mg of protective antioxidants. I'd like to thank the good people at Lipton for this reassurance. But while I'll sleep better with this knowledge I honestly can't recall ever being attacked by "oxidents" or even being able to identify one if it came at me. Are they similar to the old Crest Cavity Creeps?

recess

Have some major VIPs visiting the office so the dress code is professional. After being spoiled by 5yrs of business casual the shirt/tie makes me look like a cross between Dilbert & a Blues Brother. Feel like I'm in 4rth grade & it's "picture day" which means you can't be comfortable or screw up your "good clothes" during recess. So much for that dodgeball game in the parking lot at lunch.

jogger

Normally when I see a jogger it makes me lament my younger, healthier days but when I'm driving at 1pm in the heat of the day w/ 115degree heat index and I see a jogger it just makes me wonder what it's like to be a brain damaged idiot.

ice ice baby

Today at lunch I had the sunroof open & windows down & was rockin' along w/ Vanilla Ice's Ice Ice Baby (yes.. I know.. I'm cool) when a well groomed black guy in his early 20s pulled up next to me at a stop light, looked over at me, half smiled, slowly shook his head and said, "There goes the neighborhood."

morning

This morning I fed my dog a caramel rice-cake and took a dog biscuit to eat on my way to work. Bad news is that I clearly need stronger caffeine in the AM but the good news is my teeth are cleaner, my breath is pleasing, and my tail is wagging from the great taste of liver & chicken.

ll

What is it about Cold Medicine that makes a lava lamp so more intriguing to stare at??

pizza

2:30AM: Just got home from work. This weekend St. Louis is hosting some kind of statewide jr. varsity wrestling tournament and all the area hotels are stuffed with the young grapplers and their coaches. For some reason, the majority of the ...coaches who answered the door all looked like George "the animal" Steele from the 80's WWF. Extended steroid use over the years may have enhanced their athletic prowess but it certainly didn't increase their tipping ability. One kid was so pumped up he actually took a bite out of the pizza box itself when I handed it over. (This kid has a definite future in politics.. mark my words) See More

pizza

2:33AM. Just got home. Tonight some teens at a party were just drunk enough to think it was funny to change their order 15 times & kept me on the phone over 15 minutes. So when I, as instructed, followed the noise & delivered to their basement door in the backyard, instead of gently knocking.. I pounded on the door and hollered,"POLICE DEPARTMENT! OPEN THE DOOR NOW!" the inside immediately went silent. When the kid, white as ghost, opened the door I said,"Kidding.. just Domino's Pizza." (maniacal laugh)

pizza

2:34AM. Just got home. Tonight an old lady tried to pay for pizza with Monopoly money and then became enraged when I couldn't accept it. She was obviously in an advanced state of senility. Her daughter rushed in, apologized, and gave me real currency. In retrospect, I should have kept the Monopoly money.. there was a much higher tip there.

chair

This week at work I got a brand new executive chair. I love it because not only does it smell like a new car but it also has a high enough back that I can spin around like Dr. Evil to reveal myself and explain my diabolical plan for world domination. (insert maniacal laugh)

grill

I lost a man in the heat of battle today. In over 28 years of BBQ sessions I've never lost a burger thru the grate into the fire but today one all beef soldier slipped off my spatchula mid flip and down he went. I tried my best to rescue him but it was too late. However, after dinner when things cooled down I went back to the grill with a long fork for a search party and eventially recovered what was left of him, said a few words in tribute, and then fed him to the neighbor's dog. Why? Because the grill code says that no man, be he beef, chicken, braut, or pork, is left behind.

pizza

Just got home. Driving down Chariot Ave and stopped at a stop sign some kids were kicking a soccer ball around the yard. As I was lifting my travel mug to take a sip the ball came flying through my open drivers window, startling the hell out of me and knocking my mug across the car. The kids stood frozen in fear in the yard and mumbled "I'm really sorry" but I sat quietly for a few seconds, picked my response, and then suddenly yelled "GOOOAALLLL!!!" at the top of my lungs as I threw the ball back. This startled and scared them before they smiled and realized the joke. We were even and life went on.

pizza

1:05AM. Just got home. St. Louis County Police set up a sobriety check point on Hawkins Rd (trying to catch drunk drivers after the Cards win) that I got stopped at on my way home. The officer asked me if I'd been drinking tonight. I told him (truthfully) I'm coming off of a 16 hr work day, the last 7.5 of which was spent delivering Domino's. He leaned his head in my window a bit and sniffed. Then told me to move along. This may be the only time I'll ever be grateful for a car that wreaks of grease, cheese, and sausage.

vote

I voted this morning. Not so much because I care about my constitutional right. I just like the free sticker.

Book Link

http://www.thebookpatch.com/BookStore/misadventures-of-the-pizza-guy/ae84a93d-003c-4f8b-ad5c-49e3853d3b4e#.UMt_uEsdP00.facebook

pizza

11:41PM. Just got home. Tonight a customer played Deal or No Deal with me. He offerred me a $5 bill for a tip or a good cigar he was just given by a friend. (He doesn't smoke) Tonight as I sit on my screen porch with a hot mug of tea puffing on what I'm pretty sure is a $25 hand rolled cuban, all I can say is.. good deal.

hide

You know how alcoholics are known to hide liquor bottles all over the house to hide their addiction? I can see myself doing that with cake.

pizza

11:01pm. Just got home. Tonight a lady upped my tip from $3 to $5 after watching me slip, slide, and spin across a patch of ice on her sidewalk like a clumsy, drunk, polar bear trying to cross a frozen lake. If only I would have landed that triple axel flip at the end I might have got $10. Dammit.

window

A few minutes ago a bird landed on the ledge outside my window. I put my chin on the inside ledge and we sat and stared at one another. A creature with a tiny brain living mostly on auto instinct.. looking at a bird.

pizza

David Bornholdt

January 19, 2013 near Fenton, MO

1:17AM. Just got home. Must be something in the air tonight. From an angry, laptop toting beggar/mad prophet slapping at my car each time I passed, to a lunatic ranting and raving for 2 hours on the phone from one hotel, to a guy at another hotel who gave me a $20 tip.. after answering the door in fishnet stockings, a leather teddy, black lipstick and heels. The loonies were out in force tonight. I felt like Sgt Shultz from Hogan's Heroes after most of my deliveries, closing my eyes and saying,"Nuthing! I see nuthing!!!"

pizza

10:49PM. Just got home. While waiting in line at Walmart during an errand for the store (and wearing my Domino's uniform) the stoned guy in front of me eyed the 6 XL bottles of hydrogen peroxide, Clorox Bleach, 4 boxes of Mr Clean sponges, trash bags, and rubber gloves. Then he asked me what kind of mess am I cleaning up(?). I looked him dead in the eye and whispered,"Lets just say there is Pizza Hut driver/competitor of mine who won't be delivering anymore. By the way, do you know a good place in the woods to bury a 20 gallon drum?"

pizza

12:22 AM. Just got home. The Holiday Inn Express in Fenton has an ornate curved staircase from the center lobby to the 2nd floor. After my delivery to 206, no one was around, so I slid down the banister into the lobby. Now I don't know the physics of mass x velocity but I do know I flew down that slick railing like Fred Flintsone off his dinosaur/crane when the whistle blew. I was going so fast I pretty much slammed into the front desk. Seems a hotel guest was walking in from the parking lot and witnessed my landing. To respond to his odd stare as I walked by him I said,"Hell of a lot faster than the elevator buddy."

my book

http://www.thebookpatch.com/BookStore/misadventures-of-the-pizza-guy/ae84a93d-003c-4f8b-ad5c-49e3853d3b4e#.UVOs7PjT6vI.facebook Misadventures of a pizza guy

traffic

Sitting in traffic on hwy 44 this morning, half awake, I was next to a livestock truck. I looked to my left and was 2 feet away from a sheep staring right at me. We both slightly nodded at each other. It was clear neither of us were looking forward to the day ahead.

north

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their baby North. His name is North West. I only hope he grows up to record a solo album called "NORTH" by North West.

bday

There should be a rule that on your birthday you have to buy your mother a card and a gift. Lets face it, on the day you are celebrating you took the ride but she did all the heavy lifting.

school dream

Last night I dreamed somehow I skipped a math credit so I had to go all the way back to highschool. I got so freaked out I woke up and went back to sleep and dreamed I was wrongfully convicted of murder and facing death. But atleast I wasn't back in school so it felt better.

road block

On my way home friday night I was pulled into a sobriety check point road block near Page and I-70. After I gave the officer my license and insurance I waived my hand and said,"These are not the droids you're looking for." Seems the force was with me because his response was "Move along."

retreat

This weekend my brother & I went on our first White House Retreat since Dad died. (It was an annual event with the 3 of us for decades) I thought it would be strange without him but as I was walking down a hall I heard someone humming/whistling behind me that sounded JUST like my father.(Its a silent retreat but Dad was never one for rules) I turned to see who it was but the hallway was empty. Glad you could join us Pop

beiber

Please God, let me live long enough to watch the Entertainment Tonight story on former teen star turned forgotten loser Justin Bieber that details his bankruptcy, jail time, & multiple rehab attempts, conducted in his shitty one bedroom north hollywood apartment that sits over a dry cleaner, and listen to him babble about the "good ol days" and how miserable he is now. After I see that, I'll die happy.

mitt

Last night I somehow managed to light my oven mitt on fire while trying to check on some muffins in the convection oven. It was kind of a Pillsbury Doughboy/Blackhawk Down scenario.

scruffy

When I was in my 20s and wouldn't shave for a few days the look (atleast in my head anyway) was rugged and handsome. But when I do the same thing in my mid 40s the stubble is heavily peppered with silver & gray which makes me look like an insane old scary drunk guy. I think I like it.

band

I'm going to start a pop-band made up of out of shape, balding, middle aged men and call ourselves Wrong Direction.

jaws

For the last 3 years the ringer on my phone is the theme to JAWS. Last night while watching JAWS 2 on TV I grabbed my phone thinking I was getting a call EVERY time that damn fish showed up on screen.

green

If I don't wear green on St. Patrick's Day I'm a "grouch", but when I dress like a tree on Arbor Day, I'm a "freak". Such hypocrisy.

dream

Had a dream I spoke to my late father on the phone. Just like when he was alive, he told me all about his day and what he ate. What did I take away from this? Apparently Heaven serves a REALLY good roast beef sandwich

talent

Sometimes while trying a new hobby we find a talent for something else. For example: When I tried transcendental meditation I discovered I was REALLY good at napping.

dress up

I wear suit pants w/ black suspenders, tie, and dark blue dress shirt and I'm business appropriate. I remove the tie and suddenly I'm Amish appropriate.

day off

Took the day off today. Much to do around the house. I planned on doing A,B,C,D, & E but decided on "F"-it and relaxed. #couldntbehappier

yolo

I just found out #YOLO means You Only Live Once. I always thought it was either a website or a frozen yogurt place. #themoreyouknow

garage sale

I'm going to write a screenplay about a pair of old women who go on spree of garage sale hold ups and call it "Bargain Hunters".

keys

All night I #dreamed I was searching for lost keys. Just as I remembered where they were my alarm went off. I was so mad I hit snooze so I could go back and grab them. I did. #score

shower

I tilted my head in the shower trying to shake the water out of my ear and managed to completely fill up the other one in the process. Now the world sounds like its coming through busted car stereo speakers.

Toxic Park

Went on a bike ride yesterday through Route 66 State Park. Hard to believe it used to be the toxic, dioxin covered ghost town of Times Beach. Except for that deer with 2 heads and the neon-glowing black snake, you'd never guess the place used to be a wasteland.

dork

I know I'm a dork. I've embraced it at this point. Accordingly, fashion is not a concern. However, the zipper on these cargo shorts keeps wanting to slide down on its own. Not cool. To sum up.. Dork: OK / Potential Sex Offender Watch List: N-O-T OK.