pledge drives

If FB can learn my entire life just by a friend taking a Harry Potter quiz, then there must be technology that enables me to return to regular programing after I pay $20 to their damn pledge drive

I had a grilled chicken sandwich & a side salad at McDonalds for lunch. Eating healthy in there feels unnatural.

And there's the bell to start round three! Uh, I mean Wednesday. Lets start Wednesday. Yay. Go work.

I have my quarterly pest control appt at 10:30. I'm giving him an extra $20 to spray down my FB account while he's there.

sundays

I remember when Sundays were spent watching movies on the couch nursing hangovers. Now the hangover comes from surviving the work week and I'm snoring on couch in under 10 minutes.

tick tock

I'd like to sit down at my desk, sigh, and start working. Then hear transition music as the camera moves up to the forward spinning clock above me which stops at 5pm. Back down to me stretching, getting up, & going home.

cemetery

On a whim I dropped by the cemetery at lunch to visit the family plot. As I was walking up the hill a mini tornado whirlwind funnel of leaves gracefully blew past me up towards the top and dissipated. It created a very peacful feeling. #AllWeAreIsDustInTheWind

On my morning drive I successfully jumped thru 3 daily FM call-in games to AM news. At this point in my life, I'll take any win I can get.

The bulb on my lava lamp burned out. Not a problem. I know I have a spare bulb that I can't find. THIS will drive me nuts

The bulb on my lava lamp burned out. Not a problem.
I KNOW I have a spare bulb around here somewhere. THIS will drive me crazyThe bulb on my lava lamp burned out. Not a problem.
I KNOW I have a spare bulb around here somewhere. THIS will drive me crazy.The bulb on my lava lamp burned out. Not a problem.
I KNOW I have a spare bulb around here somewhere. THIS will drive me crazy.

Dear Grass & Weeds: Spring began at 11:15am but feel free to sleep in. No need to rush on that silly "growing" thing. Thx - DB

I investigated Hawking's multiverse theory and found in each parallel existance I have a different life but the same black cloud.

"2B or not 2B. That is the question." - Me trying to deliver a pizza to an apartment w/ a smudged address label

Fish Frys during Lent are to Catholic Churches as cookies are to the Girl Scouts: A huge financial profit originating from guilt

80sFM

If you were a teen or adolescent in St. Louis in the early 80s chances are you listed to Pillow Talk on 96FM. There was no better source for recording songs for that all encompassing crush mix tape you were making.

In a world, populated only by superheros & supervillains, lives Irving, an ordinary guy, who works in a bowling alley.This is his story...

The American Pie Council wishes you a Happy Pi Day but urges you to celebrate responsibly

I wish there were two of me so I could get all my work done but since I don't like myself one of us would end up calling HR

Hardees Thickburger Combo: We promise to shorten your lifespan by a year or your money back.

Everyone is giving Alexa complex instructions to run their house while I'm still really impressed when I clap twice and my lamp goes on.

Thank God for urination. Without it, I'd get no exercise at all during the day

And then the Lord said,"When you saw only one set of footprints it was then that I carried you.And now my back hurts.Thanks alot"

And then the Lord said,"When you saw only one set of footprints it was then that I carried you.And now my back hurts.Thanks alot"

woodpecker

Last few weeks a woodpecker has been pecking my front shutter sending morse code sounds thru the house. Twice now I dreamt I was recieving a distress call from the Titanic.

one last winter blast

On my drive home last night I went from amused to concerned to freaked out as a few snowflakes turned into a complete white out road covering storm in under 10min. #StLouisWeatherIsBipolar

cameras

I'm going to install security camera inside my house & put a monitor screen outside my front door so potential burglars can verify there's nothing in there worth taking. #SavesEveryoneTime

muppets

Say what you will about the Muppets but I'm yet to see a single news story about any of them in rehab or arrested for domestic abuse. #ThemPuppetsWuzRaisedRight!

I don't care about self-driving or wifi features on new cars. Find me one that does slow motion General Lee jumps & we have a deal