flood water brings good water memory

Crashed at my Mom's while I'm a flood refugee and used the same basement shower I used growing up. It still has the power of an elephant washing fire hose and ruined me for every other shower since. Nice to know some things actually are as good as we remember.

44 closed due to flood/traffic snarled/successful backroads shortcut/5yrs of pizza delivery got me more than a greasy car smell

Dear California: We have had 8" of rain in 3 days. You are welcome to come get as much as you need. BYOB. Enjoy! Sincerely, Your Midwestern Cousin, St. Louis

Coming back to work from a week's vacation feels like the last few feet of a skydive when the chute didn't open.

It's several kinds of weird to Christmas shop in a store with people dressed in equal parts shorts, t shirts, sweaters, jackets, and coats.

Twas the night..

And then in a moment I heard on the roof, the prancing and pawing of each little hoof. So I shook my head, sighed and did mutter, "Looks like another morning cleaning reindeer poop out of my gutter."

I don't want to say it's raining a lot but I just passed by a boat store next to a swollen creek having a liquidation sale.

Based on my experience so far I'm thinking Windows 10 was brought to us by isis

chillin

Took some time to sit, relax, and look around as the Saturday sunlight shined in.. revealing dust, dirty windows, and paint chipping from my ceiling. This is why I don't like to take time to sit, relax, and look around.

Santa, all I want this Christmas is a referral to a dentist who can painlessly locate & disconnect the nerves in my sweet tooth. Your pal, Dave

In a UFC cage fight btwn Mickey Mouse & Alvin the Chipmunk, Mickey might have unlimited training $ but I give the edge to Alvin because he fights dirty.

WARNING: The hallway in accounting has just been been stripped & waxed.Please remember to get a running start prior to doing your slip'n'slide belly dive.

A Long Long Time Ago (zzzzzz)

38 years ago I saw Star Wars for the first time. It was the late 2nd feature at Ronnie's Drive in. I was 7 and struggled to stay awake. Ironically, I'll have the same problem for this one.

haiku

My thoughts on Haiku:
Don't say "Bless You" afterwards.
You do not rhyme them.

what the hell is that?

Last night I noticed a Jurassic World looking, poker chip sized, combination moth/roach/velociraptor on my hallway wall. Instead of fleeing when I tried to swat it, the thing attacked me like a Japanese pilot at Pearl Harbor. It's still in there somewhere so I'm carrying a flame thrower in the house until we settle this thing.

Is it lazy that I think a spear gun, some test line, and an electric winch would make bringing in the garbage cans much more fun?

I'm waiting on someone to become outraged that they were singing along to Mack the Knife when they suddenly realize its about a serial killer.

JJ Abrams arranged for every 100th Star Wars film reel sent to theaters to have a French dubbed vocal track.

In a world of Apple Watches I'm pretty much a VHS tape.

Some might say my role in having a desk close to the front door is that of ambassador, but I know it for what it is... cannon fodder.

As I lay in the dentist chair staring up at the bright light with my mouth open I realize what a deer looks like a split second before he is hit by the truck

winter heat

Today, December 12, I mulched leaves wearing shorts and a t-shirt and sweated the whole time. Welcome to our St Louis holiday special: "CHRISTMAS FROM THE SURFACE OF THE SUN". Brought to you by your friends at 'Global Warming'. Remember our slogan, "if it's hot.. it's Global Warming!"

Just once I'd like to see a serious dramatic film include a gag reel with the credits.

Once again I dreamed my car was either stripped or stolen from the same garage so from now on my subconscious is looking for a new place to park.

trump

Donald Trump is like that arrogant kid in grade school who made impossible promises while trying to get elected class president like longer recess, no more math, and free tequila shots on taco Tuesdays

my top list item

Dear Santa: Please bring me the DELUXE Evel Knievel Stunt Cycle set including: cycle, figure, launcher, baseball bat, spare body cast, whiskey flask, replaceable liver, and handcuffs. Thanks, Dave B

So, Sister Christian by Night Ranger is REALLY the story of a nun trying to negotiate air plane ticket and rental car rates?

Middle age is like Christmas lights. Body aches & pains don't end, they just move around & flicker in varying locations.

Going to be one of those days when I'm way more like Larry than Moe.

too darn hot for holidays

Dear Mr. Freeze Miser,
Sixty-eight degrees in St. Louis on December 11th? Really?
Hope you realize the Heat Miser is kicking your iced-behind so far this season. Come Mr. F!!! Get into the damn game!! Show me some proper winter weather! Stop playing Candy Crush and frigging FOCUS man!! Thanks, Dave B

The saddest Christmas gift I've ever searched for is for the woman who used to know everything but now won't even remember what she was given.

Wondering if the surviving members of Queen would mind if I opened up a baby-furniture store called 'We Will Rock You'.

Today marks 15 years since my last cigarette. That's a lot of Marlboro miles not traveled.

Wilma!!!!!!!

Had some prime rib last night at Sam's Steakhouse that was so big it looked like something from the Flintstones. Tasted great but a day later my body is still trying to yabba dabba digest it.

My entire Christmas savings account has to go towards hospital bills so I'm trying to find all my list items for Macy's & Amazon at The Dollar Tree & Goodwill.

"..sometimes we all do things that, well, just don't make no sense." - Forest Gump

Hit my head on the stair-rail when I turned to hear a coming trail while tying my shoe. I'm a smooooth mac daddy.

NP (north pole) news

Santa Claus was forced to resign his position today after weeks of reindeer protesting calling for his dismissal. When asked what Santa did wrong, Blitzen, speaker for the reindeer group, said,"Rudolph's overt nose and widespread popularity made us feel uncomfortable. The North Pole is supposed to be a Safe Place. This is the red suited man's fault." And with that Christmas is cancelled. Back to you Bob.

Looking for the button on Google Maps that supplies step by step directions for getting out of awkward conversations.

Today I'm thankful that I 'll never have to deal with the superficial trappings of stardom.. mainly because I don't want to be referred to as D-Bo.

The story of my life would be an unwatchably boring movie but I bet they could find enough clips to make a pretty damn funny preview.

Vacation, Thanksgiving, and road trip eating excuses all expired. I am a recaptured prisoner being led back into the prison of low carbs.

cold case

I'm not a morning person, so to make sure I didn't forget to grab an item from the freezer for work, I put my car keys in there all night. I remembered the item but my heart stopped for 12 seconds when I put the keys in my pants pocket

Today was my 10 year anniversary with my company. So far they still haven't figured out I have no idea what I'm doing.

I suspect my elf on the shelf is a terrorist sleeper cell.

Star Wars will not be able to live up to so much hype.Worried I'll be as dissapointed as I when I found out Santa was fake in 2013

I played old Bill Cosby cd to it to see if it still felt funny. It gave me the feeling of accidentally drinking spoiled milk.

On this date in 1863 Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg Address, which I used to assume was some kind of a PO Box number.

Dear QT Pizza: Thanks a lot for the heartburn/acid reflux that kept me up all night. Oh who am I kidding? I can't stay mad at you.

One of the few bright spots about having an elderly parent w dementia is that I never have to come up with new jokes or anecdotes.

not of this McWorld

I've been doing the research and can find no animal that matches the meat from the McRib. Pretty sure the golden arch's lab is playing God and creating animals for meat. Takes a year to grow em.. that's why they only appear sporadically.

contractors again using industrial glue for carpet install.Still waiting on their response to my request that they switch to lemon scented model glue.

the stripping chemicals/industrial glue smell for the new carpeting in my office reminds me of childhood memories Tom Twister (the puke ride at Six Flags)

how much??

Just spent $570.00 on a car repair. OK, as long as I don't need food, shelter, entertainment, medication, or gift purchases for the next few months, my budget will absorb this w/out a problem.

This morning showed the results of last night's heavy winds: tree branches, trash, leaves, & smart cars were blown all over the place.

Oops there it is

My company is redecorating so my work space has been emptied out for the first time in 10 years. I found all sorts of junk. Accordingly, I'd like to apologize to a former co-worker who I was sure stole my ruler in 2006

Elmer Fudd would have made a great Bond villain.

trashed

As I was backing out of my driveway I was so aware of my neighbor backing out of his driveway that I hit my own trashcan. Yep, my "cool" factor is pretty high on my street.

My entire Sunday was planned out but one thing changed and it all got reshuffled. I hate it when my calendar turns into an UNO deck.

Ever have one of those days where you decide to make meatloaf for dinner just so you can beat the hell out of 2 pounds of hamburger?

IADTIF (Its About Damn Time Its Friday)

I dreamed the grim reaper came for me but I kept escaping by distracting him with Twinkies. Seems Hostess IS good for my health.

AC started smoking, building evacuated, 6 alarm/9 vehicle response: occurred prior to caffeine kick in so can neither confirm nor deny anything happened.

I know was supposed to change the smoke alarm battery but I dig the idea of making a waffle w/out hearing BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.

Heavy fog. Low Visibility. Slow Moving. But enough about me, how's the weather today?

Safety Tip: On the Monday after Halloween remember to duck and cover when you see the flash of the retail Christmas bomb go off.

Who do I talk to about having Animal House produced as an Italian Opera?

People think I have no reason to stare in the breakroom fridge every morning as I heat my tea but I'm really charting how long it takes for expired ketchup to mold.

My face got hit by the microwave door this morning. But to be fair, I insulted it first.

SPAM

Dear Hormel, Since no one really knows what SPAM is you can cheaply make it into any kind of food. As we Americans will eat anything, it's time for a fast food chain dedicated to this product. I'm thinking "Casa De Spam", "Spam Palace", or "All Spam All the Time". Good luck. - Dave B

hernia

So I'm w/ my doc for a hospital follow up visit and in between telling me how dangerously sick I was he mentions I of course have an abdominal hernia. Saywhatnow? So he tells me do a sit up and suddenly my stomach becomes a teepee. Great. On top of everything else I'm now a human traffic cone.

In my head, the characters from every TV show that gets cancelled w/out a finale are lost souls forever banished to unresolved sitcom purgatory.

Hint for a zombie apocalypse:Forget the gun, carry packets of KFC's 11 Herbs & Spices, Sprinkle liberally on approaching walkers. watch them eat each other

snow clearing, competitive crushing, paper weight, anchor, drag racing: Just a few of the things that steam rollers would also be great at.

Maintenance either needs to replace that flickering florescent bulb in the copy room or install a fog machine, disco ball, and DJ booth.

Feeling 10 yrs older & 60% slower today. But I guess it better than feeling 60% older & 10% slower.

After 3 hospital stays, a new roof, and new AC, my savings account has gone from lush jungle to underground cavern in under a year.

Despite my smile,the waitress at the Chinese place scowled at me like we were about to go head to head Sumo style.

Dear Pez: Taking my meds would be so much more fun if they came out of one of your dispensers. Get on the please. Thanks, Dave B

In the song Phantom 309 I never considered until today that the waiter/regulars at the diner were just screwing around with a gullible hitchhiker.

Working with a headache makes me feel like Steven Wright being accidentally signed up for a rap battle contest.

Its gonna be one of those days where I feel like a soldier being rushed into battle armed with only a squirt gun.

bulls eye

While returning from lunch I was driving under a RR bridge when a banana peel hit my windshield. 3 possibilities here: 1) A renegade monkey hidden in the creek brush to my left 2) A litterbug engineer w/ good aim 3) Heavenly garbage (Hey.. Moses got Manna. Maybe I get Banana)

you feel a draft?

Ran into Schnuck's for some carpet powder wearing a long baggy flannel shirt over t shirt and old gym shorts. Forgot it was buttoned thus making me look like I was just a guy casually shopping with no pants on. Amazing how quickly the line cleared for me at check out.

Pretty sure the real reason grocery stores randomly move everything around is because its fun to watch their customers get that confused look on our faces

Walmart now has $5 "Hot n Ready" Pizzas for sale by the registers. Wish I would have known the crust was made out of hot n ready play-doh.

Today I have a quarterly check up. The doc will look at my test results, shake his head,tell me he is disappointed,I'll say I'll do better.Its grade school all over again.

Terminator vs The Tin Man:

 The odds were on the cyborg for the win but the tin man had a lot of heart plus a big ass ax chop to the terminators CPU board. He will NOT be back. When asked about his win the tin man said it felt like a hollow victory.

This has been a long week. Yesterday felt like Thursday so today feels like Friday which means tomorrow I should get overtime pay.

It's an IKEA store,not Disneyworld,a legal brothel,or Willy Wonka's Factory. Let's calm down a bit.

Hwy was clogged so I took an earlier exit only to find THAT was backed up too. As I sat on the exit ramp the hwy opened up to move. Good morning black cloud.

the water source on Mars is entitled to the name The Red Sea. Earth's Red Sea will now be called The Moses Path.

The lady who drew my blood this morning poked me so many times I think she was practicing morse code.

meanwhile, at the watercooler...

"Hmm. Friday..GOOD!" - Frankenstein
"4 Hour still to go." - Tonto
(Punching wall) "Mongo HATE 4 hour!!" - Mongo
(nodding)"I am Groot" - Groot
"Arrrrghhhh!!!"(Translation: You said it brother.) - Chewbacca

full circle sleeping noise

As a child I fell asleep to a transistor radio, then moved to a small B&W TV, followed by a stereo, a small color TV, CD player, MP3 player, and then a larger stereo TV. I now have a new flat screen that sounds worse than my transistor radio.

My memory used to hold information like water in a leaky bucket. Now it's more like water in a cheese grater.

At dinner last night I burned the roof of my mouth so my tongue would have someplace to sniff around for the next 24-48 hours.

RIP Yogi Berra. Word is Boo-Boo is inconsolable and appreciates the press respecting his privacy at this time.

Sometimes I find myself to be annoying company and would prefer to hang with the younger me instead. Now THAT guy would be a good wing man.

I trudge thru summer w/ FALL as my only goal. I finally get here & it's upper 80s w/ AC still on. The light at the end of my tunnel turns out to be just global warming.

I would rather be mugged by a crack head with a chainsaw than stuck in a brief conversation with someone full of self-righteous indignation.

There seems to have been some mistake. I'm supposed to be asleep in a hammock right now as opposed to my desk.

My list of culinary fails now includes something as simple as JELLO. For my next trick, I will incorrectly make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Dear Entertainment Weekly:

I did not renew my subscription months ago yet you still keep showing up in my mailbox. I did say I wanted to be friends but this is starting to get creepy. Its best if we both just move on. Thanks for understanding. Dave B

Uncle Buck is my spirit animal

Sad Day in Whoville

WHOVILLE NEWS FLASH!!: Famed Grinch (53) Found DEAD in Home on Mount Crumpit this morning. Cardiac arrest due to enlarged heart suspected. Per Grinch's will, entire fortune left to Ms. Cythia-Lou Who (2) of Whoville. Longtime canine companion Max(7) plans to contest will in court. More as this story develops.

Someday my death certificate will list my cause of death as: Office Food Days

smart car

I was thinking of buying a smart car so I stopped in a local dealership to test drive one. The turning ratio is great but the acceleration was slow. Also the long pole in the back was distracting. Eventually figured out I wandered onto a bumper car ride.

I remember as a kid how exciting it was for the new TV season to start every fall:amazing new shows & returning favorites.Clearly I didn't get out enough as a child.

Some mornings I am ready to face the day with a chagrinned yawn, but today is more of a kamikaze pilot kind of thing. BANZAI!!

If we HAVE to have an eccentric, egomaniac, multi-millionaire presidential candidate who never held office, I prefer the in-hiding version of Howard Hughes.

dream

I dreamed my car was rear ended by an Asian man and his daughter and they could not speak English and had no license or insurance. This stressed me out. Woke up an hour later and I was stressed all over again.

the average hs freshman was born in 01 and the average college freshman was 5. Slowly but surely, 9/11 will become more historical event than nightmare memory.

Insulin shots would be much more appealing if they could mix some caffeine or adrenaline in there for a chaser.

I had trouble sleeping last night so I'm using the MUTE button on the world around me today.If I'm slow to respond when its because I'm reading the closed captions.

As Queen Elizabeth celebrates being the longest reigning monarch, Prince Charles celebrates 20 yrs of research for the perfect undetectable poison.

Enjoying Ken Burns The Civil War so much that I've decided to start journaling my thoughts but I'm already on Facebook. Mission accomplished.

I can tell its going to rain because my knee hurts. Well, that and the huge black cloud hovering above the building.

I just ate a rice cake that was so stale the plane crash survivors from ALIVE might have rejected it.

I need to get a heavy tubeTV from upstairs bdrm to the garage which will strain my back & scrape the wall but a 2nd story window drop would speed things up.

My primary care doctor has left the practice. I have outlasted him which means I win and I'm cured right? Sweet.

It's been one of those weeks where the only motivation I have left is to toss a bunch of marshmallows into the microwave just so I can watch them explode.

Upper 90s heat index and high humidity out there. I don't wear a toupee but if I did today would be the day to rip that sucker off for ventilation

bionic problems

Oscar: Steve Austin, astronaut. A man barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world's first bionic man. Steve Austin will be that man. Better than he was before. Better... stronger... faster.
Lab Scientist: Just an FYI, his software will be susceptible to Chinese hackers making him turn against us.
Oscar: On second thought I never really liked Steve.

Titanic wreck discovered this date in 85(73 years after sinking) ending the world's longest game of "dammit, I know I parked around here SOMEWHERE"

The Mafia took a barren wasteland & built Las Vegas. Just sayin the moon is available, free, and non regulated. Forgetaboutit!

I almost hit a Ford Taurus when I was dodging some bushes dropped in the road.But in my defense, I couldn't see the Taurus for the trees.

OK ancient frozen bagel that's been hiding in the back of the freezer for over a year.. todays the day. Dead bread walking.

If The Fonz fixed my car just by bumping the hood w/ his fist, would I be billed for labor costs?

Tactical Error:Forgot to drag my trash can containing chicken bones to the curb meaning my garage will smell like I'm hiding a corpse

When you use a keyboard all day, having a band aid on the tip of your finger is equivalent to walking a mail route on a sprained ankle.

If I order a female escort and they send me a little person would I get a 50% discount?

I'm confident that test tubes of the Ebola virus are transported with less care than the dog urine sample I dropped off at the vet this morning.

Started out the day feeling like Gosling in a tux. A short 7 hours later and I'm the Nolte mug shot.

15 min late, emails are angry/exploding issues, internet out which slows me further, & I almost choked to death on a bagel in the break room. Yep: average day.

Dear Walking Dead Writers,

Time to cough up some copyright $ and have an episode at a deserted McDonalds. I want to see a McZombie fry cook. (Might not look that different come to think of it.) Thanks, Dave B

Got stuck behind a pool cleaner truck this morning with w/ long nets & brooms dripping chlorine on my hood:I smell like I took a swim on the way to work.

38 yrs ago ELVIS PRESLEY had a hunka hunka burnin' heart attack in the john bound for that great big ol jungle room in the sky. Elvis... had left the building.

I'm gonna go old school Indian and download a ringtone that sounds like smoke signals

I'm just gonna say it:The Cannonball Run is a great movie & I don't care who knows it. Feels good to finally let that out. Been carrying that inside since 81

I have no photos of children to commemorate the first day back to school but I can vouch for the additional traffic it created.

nothing like heartburn/food coma, after lunch, on a Friday, to make being anywhere other than work go from a nice idea to an all encompassing vital mission.

Had I known the medication would be so expensive I never would agreed to this whole diabetic thing.

conjunction junction me again

Dear Schoolhouse Rock: We, the children of the 70s&80s, wish to continue our weekend education with you. We therefore ask you to make new features explaining and/or celebrating some of the highs and lows or our current culture. We want musical cartoons about: Caitlyn Jenner, Gay Marriage, mass shootings, internet porn, and hash tags. I'll be waiting next Saturday morning with my sugary bowl of cereal with baited breath. Thanks, Dave B

Tonight is a Blue Moon. Which means, of course, that during the night the light makes all Smurfs appear Caucasian. Very exciting.

fluffy whipped choclate heros

I'm thinking the great great grandchildren of Alexandre Dumas should be getting some financial kickback from Mars for making the world think of a candy bar when they hear Three Musketeers.

After sweeping all the dirt/pollen from my screen porch last night I took a shower, brushed my teeth, then sneezed out a cloud of dust.

They say there are 2 kinds of people: Elvis People or Beatles People. But no one wants to talk about my kind, the "Weird Al" Yankovic People.

Traffic was surprisingly lite this morning. Thinking either it's Saturday and I forgot or the zombie apocalypse has begun.

I saw a dead fish in the street today. Either it was dropped by a bird, animal, or human or we owe this fish a major round of applause for an major evolutionary crawl.

Hiccups, Hot Tea, White Shirt: This is not going to end well for me.

This is not regular hot. This is Dave Only Goes Outside in His Air-Conditioned Plastic Bubble hot

I never knew I had such lightening fast martial arts moves until I walked through a spider web yesterday.

first pitch (7)

At yesterday's Cardinal's game they threw out no fewer than 7 First pitches. Now I admit I'm no good at math but either someone in baseball needs to buy a calculator or they need to rename those next 6 pitches.

The humidity is so thick out there today that I think I could hang wet laundry in the air without using a line.

There is no steeper climb than the one that goes from 2:45pm to 5pm on Friday.

I know I'm getting older when I look back on my evening and check off doing 3 loads of laundry under the header of Workout.

stalled

You know those days when you pull and pull on the mower but it's flooded and won't start but deep down you are glad because you hate mowing grass anyway even though it needs to be done? That's me at my desk everyday after lunch.

Since the statute of limitations has finally expired I can finally admit that I was one who actually shot JR Ewing.

I'm a dork and I'm OK with that. Then I see a 370lb woman in a moo moo on a Honda Scooter and realize there is still so far yet to fall.

crusty

Dear Crusty Stuff on the lip of my office mug: I realize that you are residue left from yesterday's use but my brain immediately jumps to the conclusion that last night a malicious janitor with leprosy decided to slurp his swill from my cup.

Some days are diamonds, some days are stones. Today is horse shit.

46 yrs ago today Neil Armstrong was the 1rst man to walk on the moon & also the day I was first brought home from the hospital:strange exploration day for us both

P-Diddy is sort of/kind/(not really) in the music business, so why didn't he name his first child Little Diddy?

Fun Fact: Summer heat directly affects my vision in that the hotter it gets the less I see that my grass is growing.

Buy your Mom flowers and a card on your B-Day. Lets face it, she did the all the heavy lifting that day. All you did was take the ride and show up.

the paper

The other day I was reading a newspaper. It's been so long since I've picked one up it felt like I was doing something retro. I half expected to find an article about President Reagan trash talking the Soviet Union and the latest sale prices on VCRs, cassette players, and cabbage patch kids.

I'm not going to Great Clips anymore because every time I get a haircut they make my hairline recede a tiny bit and keep adding more gray.

Dealing with the paranoid, aggressive side of dementia in an elderly parent is much harder to deal with emotionally than I thought.

96 degrees, heat index of 106, 49% humidity: welcome to St. Louis' own impression of the molten center of the earth. Enjoy!

Due to construction on 44 what is usually 5 min turned into 30. Going to be this way until labor day. Looks like its time to pull the old jet pack out of storage.

If President's Day is a legitimate for a mattress sale then why isn't Shark Week?

money owed

When I was 15 In 1985 I scooped ice cream and made deli sandwiches for $3.35 an hour at a little shop called SCOOPS but the owner locked the doors one night and left town without warning. FYI: John Vance you still owe me $85 + 30 years interest.

Please please please please do NOT let today end up being my repeating groundhog day.

Ruling:I did not sleep well so I am hereby not to be held liable for any incorrect acts,utterances,or deeds until such time that proper rest has been attained.Approved

McGruff

McGruff the crime dog told us to "take a bite of crime" in the 80s but his career took a nosedive in March of 89 when the bloodhound was caught sniffing a cocaine trail in the police evidence room.

There are two wolves inside us who are always fighting. One is darkness & despair. The other is light & hope. Which wolf wins? The one you feed.

I have to go to the DMV today, which I'm sure is some sort of karmic punishment for evil deeds in a previous life.

reality famous

We get annoyed by people who are famous just for being famous but in the early 1900s, before movie stars, the wealthy were the celebrities. It's a cyclical pattern of misplaced importance and attention. Kind of like FaceBook

The good idea was turning my old blender into an aquarium but the bad idea was leaving it plugged in.

6:20AM and the city was already hazy, humid, and hot. 79 days to fall and counting.

dammit

Came into the office to get some work done but there is no toner in the copier (leaving me dead in the water) which means the coming workweek just shifted from productive to greek tragedy.

4rth

Last night between 9:15-9:45 in each respective time zone, the majority of the population of this country were outside sitting in lawn chairs watching stuff blow up. This is why mosquitos celebrate 7/4 as their Thanksgiving.

4rth

As we wait for fireworks to begin I think back to all my years delivering dominoes on the fourth. Driving thru a haze of sulfer induced fog with my car being pelted by bottle rockets and roman candles shot by kids running into the street. All I can say is.. tip big. You got a pizza. Your driver got PTS.

4rth

Went to 5 stands and still can't find "The OZ" (the firework that shoots, explodes, and then spells out SURRENDER DOROTHY in green smoke.) I thought I had it at the last one but all it did was fill the air with parachuting monkeys.

old news

I just paid $30.00 to have my doctor tell me I essentially look like hell and need to take better care or myself when I've got co-workers, family, and friends who are MORE than happy to remind me of that for free.

Only 3 years ago you people were all dancing gangnam style.. and you'll have to live with that for the rest of your life.

I'm applying for a loan to open a shore-side stand selling paddles at the halfway point of Shit Creek.

I'm concerned that the people at Build-a-Bear are trying to play god

@ 4am I had a leg cramp so I got up & paced the hallway like I was on guard duty .The dog watched me &thanked me for my service as I went back to bed.

her: You remind me of a bear.me: (thinking powerful, primitive grizzly) Thanks! her: You remember Baloo from The Jungle Book cartoon?

My 96 Camry is slow starting so I dropped it at Firestone this morning for testing. Is it a bad sign if the mechanic asked me if the car has a living will?

Waiter: (Puts down plates)If you need anything else, just let me know. Otherwise, I'll be back. Schwarzenegger: fuck off.

Lately I keep forgetting words or find them just past the tip of my tongue. My most embarrassing memories however, remain crystal clear.

squirrel dodge

Most times squirrels are just scrambling to get out of the road but this morning I swear that little bastard was staring me down in a game of chicken. (My apologies to the people who's mailbox got destroyed as a result)

I know its time to cut the grass again because I can hear it whispering to me, "You want some?! Come git some bitch!" My yard is kind of a dick actually.

My chances of having an alert, productive morning are the same as Donald Trump not getting spit in his Mexican food.

orange cheetos puffs residue should have a residual purpose after covering my fingertips and clothing like making my shirt reflective for nighttime walks

Somewhere, there is a law firm by the name of Lather, Rinse, and Repeat.

I'm going to build an ice cream truck w/ a soft serve machine on the side & sell as much as you can pour into your mouth for a dollar & call it the "Buck Brain Freeze"

Dick Van Patten,the Dad from Eight is Enough,has died. If you want a snack as you digest this, there's a plate of homemade wishes on the kitchen window sill.

Still sleepy but the little prick at my 9am blood test will most likely perk me up.

Yesterday was the summer solstice and thus the longest day of the year so from here on out the days get shorter. (Vampire High Five!)

Going to be a hot, muggy day today so I'm triggering the sprinkler system in my office later to give everyone a refreshing surprise. I'm a giver.

I'm working on a new men's room feature where a dollar must be deposited to use the urinal and is returned only after hands have been washed.

If I Bless myself when I sneeze I wonder if its my multiple personalities interacting?

wet

At lunch I was at a stoplight mid w/ a downpour on top,a landscape sprinkler spraying on my left, a rush of draining water beneath, and a huge splash from a truck on the right. I stayed dry but I think my car got an enema.

Where were you in 62?

They should remake American Graffiti using the same script with the original (now senior) actors driving around in smart cars on their way to doctor appointments, early bird dinner specials, and Walgreens during the course of Thursday afternoon.

My joints creak so much when I sit down lately people think I'm stepping on bubble wrap.

Isle-thing

Here's my pitch: through creative editing we make the island from LOST, Gilligan's island, and the island from Castaway all within a nautical mile of each other, add some canoes and mix one hell of a crossover special.

it's raining again

Every time it rains I have to sweep an inch and half of water out of my garage. After looking at the precipitation forecast for the coming week I think I'm just going to stock it with koi and call it a pond.

There's nothing like a back ache to make every possible activity something to bitch about

In my brain I still keep thinking I'm Rocky even though every glance in the mirror reminds me that I'm actually Paulie.

The Beatles song "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away" was originally written about a man convicted of indecent exposure.

Whenever I pass a military convoy on the highway I feel like I'm in the movie Red Dawn. WOLVERINES!!!!!!!!

In the late 70s I sent a letter to NBC suggesting they schedule the shows FISH and CHiPs next to each other with a Red Lobster sponsorship tie in.

TG4AC

Dear Willis Carrier (Inventor of Air Conditioning),
Even though I am a lifelong Catholic, I am giving serious thought to building a shrine to worship you and your wonderful invention.
On behalf of heat-hating people everywhere.. we thank you.
Sincerely Yours, - Dave B

OK "Summer People", you know how everyone who comes inside after driving on a hot day smells like a microwaved armpit? Yeah, that never happens in January.

I don't know where my dental hygienist learned her trade but I'm betting it was through the CIA's interrogation division.

black cloud

My back is already hurting me today and on the way into work I tripped on a rug which turned my ankle. But the good news is I've got a dentist appointment later this morning so I'll be able to divert the pain.

I suppose if you HAD to be in a building that was swept away in a wind storm a bouncy castle would be the best choice. It's an airbag that's all ready deployed.

Can you imagine how much Jimmy Buffett HATES wearing Hawaiian shirts and cargo shorts at this point?

I'm assuming the marshmallow was invented via some sort of weird industrial accident and first consumed after a double dog dare.

on my own

When I was five I scratched the top of my Mom's prized stereo counsel and, fearing for my life, decided to run away from home. To ensure my survival I stuffed my book bag with a bath toy, pajamas, teddy bear, and a hat and headed off to make my way in the world.

If movie plots and timelines were reality then little Forest Gump Jr should be inheriting a butload of money about now.

I just stumbled on a shoe in my bedroom and I swear I heard my gaurdian angel call me an asshole.

Beetle Bailey has been an Army Private for 65 frigging years. How long of a hitch did this poor bastard sign up for?

I'm damn lucky my days of exams and tests are behind me because last night a clerk asked me for my zip code and my mind went blank

When in doubt.. Reboot. (Note: This is NO longer allowed to be applied to movie franchises)

sleepy slip

Stepped in some puddled rainwater in my garage and slid from my rear bumper to my door. Luckily my still sleeping brain barely acknowledged this express trip until my throbbing knee reminded it about 20 min later.

I've absorbed enough aggravations to meet my full day quota and it's only 9:11AM. This is not a good sign.

Does Caitlyn Jenner get a new birth certificate? How else can she renew her driver's license? Speaking of which, I wonder if she drives a hybrid?

New postage is 48.5 cents so I'm headed to the post office to buy one stamp with 49 cents and wait for my change.

Dear Google Maps

Time to step up your game and draw me a diagram of every parking lot I enter, show me the empty spots, the fastest way there, and put a jam on anyone else's scanner competing against me in the lot. Thanks, Dave B

On this date in 1859, Big Ben goes into operation in London, paving the way for thousands of awful porn names in the coming decades.

Yesterday felt like Friday so to be honest I'm a little pissed off to be in the office on Saturday afternoon.

Since Chinese food is different in America, could I still call it a Chinese Restaurant if I opened one w/ that menu in Beijing?

I'm not sure who is responsible for the screw up but I'm pretty sure we're at least supposed to be at Friday by now.

ringer

Is there a phone ring app that is just the sound of someone eating grape-nuts cereal? What a great way to annoy everyone around you!

dream

Last night I fell asleep watching the Late Show w/ James Cordin and dreamed his guest was 75yr old John Lennon who joked about the comically awful "music" of his 2nd ex-wife Yoko.

I sometimes miss the old days when shopping for home furnishings meant garage & estate sale haggling, good will, and the occasional nighttime curbside pick up.

The only bad part of a 3 day weekend is the 4 days that follow it.

To paraphrase Jon Bon Jovi This place has over 28 burgers.. and I've rocked them all.

scoob

Why DID that annoying little bastard Scrappy Doo speak normally while good ol' Scooby Doo had a severe speech impediment? I'm thinking cocaine related stroke in the back of the mystery machine.

car shows

I keep seeing car clubs gathering in parking lots to stand next to their shining, souped up, classic hot rods and I want to park my crappy 96 Camry right in the middle of it, pop my hood, open my doors, and lean on the fender all proud and cool just to see their reactions.

black cloud day continues

Trying to open a jar I doused my shirt w/ pickle juice, attempted to write w/ 2 dead pens, burned the roof of my mouth on hot cheese, and hit a pothole while fumbling w/ a CD which caused it to slip from my hand and bounce out the open car window. All of this was during today's lunch hour. Aren't you glad you aren't me?

black cloud

I have something after work so while carrying my suit to the car this morning the head of my "good" hanger broke sending the suit pants, shirt, tie, and jacket cascading in all directions down my stairwell. My dog however, appreciated the cushy items to walk on as she made her way up the stairs. This is how it works for me.

I can't get my broken hall closet door to rehang. I'm considering leaving it open, emptying it, and installing a payphone and chair in there.

An Ashley Madison membership should come with a promotional code for 15% off the cost of a divorce lawyer.

black cloud

On my way out this morning I went to grab an umbrella from the coat closet and the double doors snapped off their sliding hinges and fell on top of me. PS - The umbrella wasn't in there.

a rose by any other name..

In February 1964 Pete Townsend and Robert Daltrey spent the night thinking of names for their band. I'm pretty sure a lot of drugs and a copy of the Dr. Seuss book "Horton Hears a Who" were somehow in the room at the time.

The next great Apple product means nothing to me but as soon as they release an affordable, drone lawn mower, I'll be first in line.

At this point in the work day the only momentum I can achieve would involve falling out of my chair.

Life is a lot like last night's Mad Men finale: It meanders, wastes a lot of time, doesn't provide clear answers, and apparently all leads up to a COKE commercial.

back to school

Last night I dreamed someone told me 2 of my college professors were frauds so my bachelor degree was invalid. I moved temporarily back to Springfield, MO so I could retake these classes before even calling the university to verify. Clearly the dream me did not think this through.

Dear Skittles,

 I recently spoke to a man who has tripped on a LOT of acid over the years and he assures me that rainbows do not, in fact, taste ANYTHING like your candy. With this in mind, please change your slogan.
Thanks, Dave B

Thinking about how much energy I used to have makes me tired.

ticket

I got another ticket today but I swear I'm being profiled. They are pulling over EVERYBODY who isn't wearing a seatbelt and has a crushed tricycle and part of a park bench stuck to their grill.

Considering the Babyboomers LifeAlert is about to have for customers, the Beatles song HELP is appropriate background for future commercials.

Time for an "I Dream of Jeannie" movie. (No.. not a porn. Then again, a porn would be fine, but that's not what I meant.)

toby shoe

Becoming grass cutting shoes must be a Kunta Kinte/Roots experience for old sneakers: Being separated from the other shoes in the closet without warning to be stained w/ grass, worked to death, and spending the rest of their miserable, sockless life, alone in a garage.

The MSG in the average Chinese lunch is more potent than a visit to a traditional Chinese opium den (and much stickier)

I use one finger to type my texts instead of the double thumb method. In social media terms this means I am functionally illiterate.

My Mom has been in the hospital w/ fever and pneumonia since Friday but it looks like they are letting her go home today. A very happy Mother's Day.

Dear Disney/Jim Henson Productions,

Please make a shot per shot remake of Apocalypse Now Redux cast completely by Muppets.

Thanks,

Dave B / St. Louis, MO

I would survive a zombie apocalypse because the herd would accept me as one of their own (provided they come across me before 9am.)

78 years ago today the Hindenburg exploded in New Jersey. Thanks to a greasy ham sandwich at lunch, a similar event is occurring in my stomach.

I like being a pessimist. There is less far to fall when things go wrong and the dark side membership dues are cheaper.

Biting your own tongue must be karmic punishment for committing brutal murder in a past life

It's official. I can no longer write anything in cursive beyond my own signature. Sister Carla Marie (my 2nd grade teacher) is going to be pissed.

Remember winters as a kid sitting on a sled at the top of a snowy hill trying to scoot start the slide but it took 5 scoots to move? Welcome to Monday.

King of soul slides onto the scene

On this day in 1933 the King of Soul, James Brown was born. After emerging from the womb, Brown said ,"Uhh! Hiiiaa!!" smiled, and mumbled some incoherent words. He continued to repeat this pattern with much success until his death in 2006.

Getting cake at work is as close as you can get to the feeling of being in college and finding out one of your classes was cancelled for the day.

I'd like to see Nutter Butter flavored Oreos.

Do you have one or more glass flower vases stored under your kitchen sink? My theory is that they are placed in 3 out of 5 kitchens when the sink is installed

Maybe I don't WANT to relax. What you got to say NOW Frankie??

pretty woman

At the market I spotted a stunningly beautiful college aged woman. The kind of girl so striking every head turned when she walked by. I thought about how many doors will open for this girl to an unlimited future. Then I overheard her talking and could tell she was dumber than a box of rocks. And I thought, doors will STILL open for this girl for a bright future... as a trophy wife.

You know how uncomfortable it is when you've gained a few pounds and your pants are too tight? I just realized why the incredible hulk is always so pissed off.

health dream

Last night I dreamed I was suddenly in the hospital and scheduled for major surgery that everyone was aware of but me. When I woke up my first thought was being grateful for not having to deal with insurance.

I'm about to make a left turn into busy traffic I think of James Dean's last words (That's guys got to stop. He'll see us.) I wait and piss off the guy behind me

All went well with Bring Your Kid to Work day this week.. until he wandered into the IT room where our all our central lines are located.

Good news is today is Friday. Bad news is 5pm is a looong damn way away. Kind of a sweet and sour thing.

abc shopping

I want to buy an empty strip mall and put in a comedy club called LMAO, an IHOP, a FROYO, a massage parlor called YOLO, a KFC, a DMV, a AAA, and an art gallery called WTF.

My checkbook is a few hundred dollars in the red but today is payday, which feels like being handed a financial fire extinguisher during a budgetary grease fire.

haircuts

Women make appointments to have their hair washed, clipped, styled, dyed, highlighted, frosted, and their look redesigned. Men just walk in, get shorn, and walk out. Much easier being a guy.

I asked Google What I present do I buy for the Earth that has everything and it told me to drop dead.

USPS close call

A gust of wind blew a trash can into the road causing me to swerve and JUST miss a mail truck which freaked out the driver. "Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night, stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds. (But soiled pants might delay them a bit) "

I'm thinking at this point a couple of well hung bug-zappers around the White House might be an upgrade from the present security.

If anyone needs me I'll be at the airport announcing the Slinky Races on the escalator.

I subscribed to PEOPLE magazine via a charity fundraiser drive but now my house feels like a waiting room.

torpedo one!

I have an eye exam at 5pm. Hoping my optometrist is cool w/ me playing submarine commander periscope games while yelling, "FIRE ONE!!! ..HIT! DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!" during the exam. It also explains why I walk in wearing my captain's cap.

RIP stickers

I've noticed a dramatic increase in memorial rear window decals remembering dead loved ones. Not that I don't respect their testimonial or have sympathy for their loss, but every other stop light is starting to feel like a cemetery flash mob.

"Surprise me." - Bob Hope's last words to his wife when she asked him where he wanted to be buried.

Your mission for the day: get everyone at work to play a game of hot lava or musical chairs. Winner gets tomorrow off. (No worries, your boss told me it was fine)

we are what we drive

They say a car reflects it's owner. Mine has creaky doors, busted shocks, broken engine mounts, no working airbags, 3 working windows, duct tape repaired interior, balding tires, dents, scratches, squeaky wipers, air filter issues, perpetual warning lights, and unidentifiable garbage under the seats. But, surprisingly, it still runs. Ditto for me.

Pepsi challenge fail

I remember way back when soft drink companies first switched from glass bottles to 2 liter plastic ones that were advertised as "UNBREAKABLE!!" so I threw one in the air and let it drop on the concrete several times... just before I opened it.

Right now I have money.But tonight I'm doing my bills and once again watching my checking balance melt like a snowman in a pizza oven.

walkin the walk

This morning I glanced out my window while as Pink Panther theme played on my Sirius radio & saw an otter moving in sync w/ the music as he carefully slinked across the parking lot to the creek on the other side. If I play Chariots of Fire, I wonder if he'd race back in slow motion?

I'm going to make ice cubes out of orange juice, drop them into a glass of vodka, and call it a slow turning screwdriver.

If I ever end up on death row, for my last meal I'll order just enough Reese's Peanut Butter Cups to put me into a diabetic coma.

your show

How cool would it be if you could wake up in the morning, and press an app on your phone that starts with a familiar monotone voiceover saying, "Previously.. on Your Life." before playing a well edited 15 second video montage recapping your previous day?

I"ll bet the Tin Man is not a popular guy to hang out with during a lightening storm.

As independent contractors, do prostitutes have to adjust their budget for overhead?

raging waters

Dear Toy Makers,
Make me a cheap, 10", durable, watertight toy boat w/ a GPS finder and a waterproof video camera I can drop into swollen creeks and rivers during flash floods. Call it the SS Reconnaissance. Please deliver before the end of the business day. Thanks, Dave B

Uh, excuse me for interrupting your speech Coach but I'd like to point out that there IS a "ME" in TEAM which is pretty much like "I" so where does that leave us?

Twinkie-sized wasp came in my sunroof at a stoplight. I was prepared to abandon the car & sign the title over to him right there.

How do they manage to catch all these wild animal fights on camera? I call bullshit. I'm betting these are all scripted and performed by paid actors

Somewhere, deep in the woods, Bigfoot actually kind of misses being pursued by the paparazzi.

Remembering my father today

2 years ago today we lost Dad. But, even with the passing of time, who he was is still so much a part of us he's never really gone. (There just aren't as many trips to White Castle.) Miss you Pop.

It's a good thing Easter only comes one day a year because this much bright pastel clothing would damage my retinas if viewed on a regular basis.

I don't have time to dye Easter eggs today but if someone can lend me a paintball gun I'd be happy to do a few of them at a distance.

How cheap am I?

During a high stakes game of Scaryaoke (A Karaoke-Chicken Drinking Game) I once stood before a crowded bar and sang "I've Never Been to Me" by Charlene. This is how far I will go to avoid buying a round of drinks.

"Welcome to the Academy Awards, or as it's known at my house.. Passover" -Bob Hope

BOOM dream

Last night I dreamed it was May 1937 and I was 20 something & starting a new job as ground crew at Naval Air Station Lakehurst, New Jersey waiting for the Hindenburg to arrive. I was on the phone w/ someone who told me to be careful. My response was, "It's just a big balloon for God's sake! What could possibly go wrong??"

I'm so glad that Lenten no-meat Fridays don't last all year: A man who hates seafood can stand only so much crappy frozen cheese pizza.

The bad news is that I had to sweep a half inch of rainwater out of my garage this morning. The good news is that I can write that off as cleaning it.

Sometimes when I read an abbreviated text message I picture the smoldering wreckage of a catastrophic train car derailment at Conjunction Junction.

Despite the fact that they closed their doors here 33 years ago, I am really craving a Howard Johnson's Blueberry Toastie right now

If I were the last person on earth my mad skills as a handyman/mechanic/gardener would allow me to thrive and survive for as many as 3 whole days.

When you have my black cloud, every day is April fools day. Welcome to my world.

get rich quick idea

I'm going to buy a truck that has a compactor, shredder, wood chipper, & flame thrower on the trailer so I can provide a celebratory service for the wealthy & recently divorced who won prized items from their ex they want to gleefully destroy. (Open bar optional for additional fee.)

Getting my picture taken for some company awards today. So, of course, my electric razor died halfway across my face this morning.

on this day in history

On this day in 1981, my bipolar, sadistic, Joan Crawford/Mommy Dearest styled 5th grade teacher, Trudy Palma, actually broke her sith lord character just long enough to inform us that someone just tried to shoot President Reagan.

what you want!!

I always assumed (incorrectly) that Aretha Franklin was asking for R E S P E C T but take out P C T. So if I ever met her I promised myself I would show her nothing but the proper RESE.

winning

Headed to a child's birthday party this afternoon and a trivia night this evening. Hoping to win atleast ONE of the games ahead. (I'm thinking pin the tail on the donkey. I ROCK at that)

The Passion tells how strangers cast lots for Jesus' clothes. some idiot is going to claim they found them and sell them on E-Bay

I want to travel when I retire so I'm going to build a houseboat on top of a glacier in Greenland.

In 1948 my Dad was a typewriter repairman (which is how he met my Mom while she working at Union Electric) so I'm thinking he was kind of a Truman era IT guy.

If your name is Elvira, how long did it take for you to get tired of hearing "GIDDYUP OOM PAPPA OOM PAPPA MOW MOW" every time you met someone?

As a member of the honorable order of Kentucky Colonels I fully expect to be saluted every time I walk into a KFC.

We have spray cheese. Why not spray meat?

The Almighty tells me he can get me out of this mess, but he's pretty sure you're f*@ked. - Braveheart

Forget waterboarding, if the CIA really wants to torture prisoners, force them to negotiate with and navigate through healthcare insurance.

Despite my "non slip" shoes I slipped on a puddle in my garage this morning. Who's got 2 thumbs and can almost do the splits? THIS guy

Since so many British actors are cast in American TV roles I like to think that the BBC is entirely staffed by community theatre actors from Minnesota.

funky breakfast

Had some Denny's pancakes that had onion & pepper flavor due to overflowing griddle grease. It was a taste surprise, like unlocking your front door & stepping inside only to realize it's not your house.

Spring Cleaning

sweeping(raking), vacuuming(blowing), mopping(power washing) all the dirt, grass, and leaves tracked in through the dog doors during the winter. I forgot there was actually some nice wood floors beneath all that earth.

I'm trying to sell hospitals on building human sized vacuum tube delivery service to each patients room but they said my idea sucked

1rst day of spring. If you listen hard enough outside, you can hear the mosquitos getting their last pregame pep talk from their coach.

There should be more action hero movies featuring rodeo clowns.

I wonder if lions think of sea lions as weird, euro-trash third cousins.

Why do we call people from Indiana "Hoosiers" when makes more sense to just call them "Indians"?

If my time table calculations are correct, the aliens from Close Encounters of the Third Kind are due to return an un-aged Richard Dreyfuss any day now.

irish drunks love munchies

Today is the only day of the year where green food is fashionable. Considering the moldy lunch meat and bread in my fridge, I could have made some decent coin selling sack lunches down at the parade.

Leprechauns are like the mafia of the mythical world: They're angry, carry a weapon, just out of reach of capture, and acquired a pot of gold with no taxable income.

It's one of those days I'd like to play hooky, drive to the country, and do Dukes of Hazard stunts.

Regardless of their party, be advised that my vote is up for sale to any politician who pushes for making SPRING BREAK an annual national holiday week.

Wisdoms of Age

Remember that person you crushed on so hard when you were young? The one who reminded you of songs, you thought about 24/7, and wondered why they tortured you so much? Odds are that person had ZERO idea about your feelings. And looking back at your creepy obsessional behavior... aren't you glad?

- And now lets go to Dave for a check of the weather.

 - Juuust rainy and gloomy enough to make me not give a shit. Back to you Bob.

Fun Facts: In CB Radio vernacular, "Bed Bug" means Moving Company Van while "Tree in the Road" means there is a Tree in the Road.

It's a nice day so I open my sunroof at lunch. Lady in SUV decides to wash her windshield, spraying water directly into my open roof. Spring is overrated

50 Shades of Gray makes Showgirls look like Hamlet.

I love driving through heavy fog in the morning because it makes me feel like I work on Fantasy Island.

If I worked for Google tech support I'd send a virus to all my enemies' that makes Charlie Brown's teacher their MAPS voice.

glowing up right

This summer, try cutting open some glow sticks & pour them into your kids juicebox so they glow when they play in the yard at night. Not only will you keep tabs on them but the light show will go great with after dinner drinks.

Dear Healthy Springtime Joggers: Quit Showing Off. Thanks.

And Monday Morning Auto Pilot.. Engaged.

Thank you Wal-Mart shoppers who leave your carts in the middle of the parking lot, for reminding me you are lower on the karmic chain than me.

getting off the trend train

In the 90s Jeff Foxworthy had a funny bit about how people reach an age in life where they just stop when it comes to trends, technology, and fashion. Now every time I burn a CD, watch a DVD, or look at my watch I realize I've gone from laugher to laughee.

I bought 2 pairs of shoes tonight and got a really good deal because they are all left feet.

Rather than mess with setting all my clocks ahead an hour I'm just going to buy a flux capacitor

Ever feel tempted to post something very warm and inspirational on FB, wait for friends to click LIKE, and then edit it into something inappropriate?

I'm thinking of building an entire house out of Lego pieces so I can a tax write off for using recyclable materials.

Ever notice that Elmer Fudd and Sherlock Holmes wear the same hat?

dream

Had a dream I did something that merited a photo op w/ President in the oval office, and I mocked him for having a Magic 8 Ball on his desk. The secret service was not amused. Turned out it belonged to Biden anyway.

Hostage/prisoner exchanges would be much less stressful if all parties would agree to make it a spirited game of Red Rover.

I'm going to create and market aquarium sized souvenir snow globes so fish can finally take some well earned winter vacations.

health ain't cheap

Finally got my bill for my November hospital stay. I'd feel much better about writing this huge check if it came w/ a 40% off my next surgery coupon or at least a membership punch card towards a free ER visit.

With the overwhelming volume of cookies being distributed across the nation right now, shouldn't we be referring to the Girl Scouts as a cartel?

paper cuts and hand sanitizer, if marketed properly, could put caffeine out of business.

So I'm standing in my family room and a 2 foot strip of original decorative trim decides to just fall off the wall. Concerned that was the first fall of a house of cards.

Its strange to re-watch old coming of age movies from the 80s and now find myself siding with the square adults verses the protagonist teen heroes.

Did you ever leave for a trip and you just KNOW you forgot something but have no idea what it is? That's me every single time I walk in to H&R Block to do my taxes.

work space

As if I didn't have ENOUGH in my inbox already, when I arrived at my desk this morning someone littered my area with a shredded coloring book. Fine. Do I have to do EVERYTHING around here? (Heavy sigh) You'd better hold all my calls, cancel my appointments, and for God's sake someone get me a fresh box of crayons! I've got a lot of coloring to do here dammit

I bet it would not take much to get your average hardcore gamer addicted to the original version of PONG.

riiip

Last night I unknowingly closed the tail of my flannel shirt into the dishwasher. I then turned to walk away, snagging the shirt, yanking me back, and sending my steaming hot mug of tea careening out of my hand, across the room, to shatter on the floor. Yesterday was not my best day.

busted

Call off the dogs, cancel the dragnet, and open the roadblocks, because the cops have finally caught me, the dreaded "guy without a seatbelt" and given me a ticket. Joe Friday & Elliot Ness can stop spinning in their graves now that justice has been served

There is such a thick layer of salt on my car right now I'm not sure if I should wash it off, blast through it, or just paint over it.

wading back in

After being laid up w/ a bad knee for a few weeks I'm making my way back to exercise which is equivalent to patching a rusted, leaky, old canoe and shoving it directly into class 5 rapids with a broken paddle

Today is the first day of the rest of your week.

Where can I download some of that Oscar play off music to use when someone is talking to me and I want them to shut up?

FUN FACT: the odors from my stove self cleaning function are exactly like those from an original Chinese opium den

long way down

Dear Arch Grounds Renovator Team,
While you're at it, please remove the tram system from one side of the arch and replace it with a long spiral slide for an express ride down from the top. Oh, and you should probably stock some airsickness bags at the bottom just in case. You're Welcome. - Dave B






http://www.cityarchriver.org/

Is it too late to spread the false rumor in Hollywood that 70's style powder blue tuxedos w/ ruffled shirts are all the rage for this year's Academy Awards??

Dear Toys R Us

 I recommend a separate lounge in each store where adults can play with, I mean "test" any toy prior to purchase. Its all about protecting the kids. Your Welcome, Dave B

knee

Good news: Doc just told me my knee is arthritic but not torn so, while I'll spend the rest of my life bitching about how I know it's going to rain because my knee hurts, at least I don't need surgery.

Good red wine must be allowed to breathe after uncorking before serving. Unfortunately, despite CPR & bottle shocks, I have a tragic history of still-birthed merlot. DOP (Dead on Pour)

A: One REALLY bad day in Pompeii

 Q: What is Ash Wednesday?

(My actual incorrect 6th grade religion test answer)

Say what you will about the cold weather but it still beats back-sweat, long grass, mosquitos, and sun burn.

anger management

I'm going to open up a Group Conflict Resolution Therapy practice where I lock opposing parties in a room w/ 12 dozen raw eggs, a bushel of ripe tomatoes, and a case of Silly String and let them work it out.

Kindle Fire

I used to read a lot of books but the last few years I've spent those blocks of time on my Kindle Fire playing games and checking the net.
KINDLE: Teaching America the Joys of Retro-Illiteracy

If I had a pet porcupine I'd name him Prick and every year on his birthday I'd let him loose in a room full of various balloon animals just to keep his confidence up.

A: 50 Shades of Grey

 Q: How do we caption the group photo from the SNL 40th Anniversary show?

As I drove to work on this snowy morning I briefly considered tossing my banana peel out the window but I didn't want another car to slip on it.

feb 14

1,737 years ago St. Valentine was beheaded soon after writing a love letter to his jailer's daughter signed "Your Valentine". Thus began the tradition that Valentines Day will forever create headaches for men.

I just need..

If I had a shoebox, a roll of aluminum foil, a cheap desk lamp w/ an incandescent light bulb, an old school tin fast food ash tray, a 1/2 cup instant brownie mix and some water, I could be rocking an Easy Bake Oven MacGyver style right now.

If the Spice Girls have another reunion tour and they don't call it Old Spice they are missing out on a sweet smelling opportunity.

enclosed strangers

There is nothing like that awkward silence of a crowded elevator in a medical building. The common thought bubble above says, "Geez, what is wrong with all these people? Whatever it is don't stand too close."

I've spent my entire adult life with no need to reference the periodic table of elements... until now. F U Trivia Crack.

If Elvis would have lived he'd just be an 80 year old retired music legend quietly living out his deep fried golden years at his home in Memphis.

I say we combine Survivor, The Voice, Top Shot, and Dancing w/ the Stars for a new game show called: Sing and Dance... or Die.

Considering trading my car for a hovercraft so I can reduce my carbon footprint since it doesn't touch the ground.

I looked into the mirror hoping to see Clark Gable and Larry Fine stared back at me. Time for a hair cut.

looking back

Last night I dreamed I invented X-Ray/Time Travel View Master Glasses. You focus them on any building or landscape, press a button, and see what stood in that spot either 20, 200, or 2000 years prior. Should be a big hit with the History Chanel crowd I think.

My bad knee is acting up so its back to walking like Fred Sanford until I can fix it.

Today is 67 degrees. Tomorrow's forecast is a high of 39. It's the weather equivalent of being dropped down an elevator shaft.

trivia crack

I've recently discovered Trivia Crack and my lackluster performance has confirmed that I was lucky to have earned my bachelor's degree and was smart to not pursue my masters.

vm

No matter how hard I try I'm incapable of leaving a short voicemail message. Despite my best intention to be brief, I tend to ramble on until the beep. The invention of text and email greatly reduced the aggravation of everyone I have ever done business with.

How I long for the long bygone days when a bowl of Trix at breakfast, PBJ at lunch, pizza for dinner and ice cream for dessert meant I was eating well.

This snow looks suspiciously like rain. This snow is incognito.

When wild horses are captured, sold, and named, do the horses refer to that as their slave name?

Mr. McGee,don't make me angry.

During lunch I took a stroll down Watson Rd. With my head down into the wind and the traffic whizzing by, I started to hear somber piano music play. That's when I realized that all I needed was a plaid shirt, brown duffle bag, & cowboy boots and I'd be a chubby David Banner at the end of every Incredible Hulk episode.

I wonder if Heaven offers bus tours of hell, purgatory, limbo, or the factory where souls are recycled for reincarnation?

new show

Dear Game Show Network or Showtime,
Please create a late night game show called The Price Is Right: AFTER DARK using hookers, drugs, and booze as the items up for bids. Ken Jeong is available to host.
You're Welcome,
Dave B

stupid rodent

After being awake w/ heartburn all night I'm tired and cranky. So fair warning:If today is going to be a repeating groundhog day, Punxsutawney Phil is going to be ground into chili by dinner.

Tonight please remember that it's not about who wins the Super Bowl. It's about how funny the commercials are.

Ever have one of those weeks when the idea of joining the witness protection program (even though you've never witnessed a crime) sounds like a really good idea?

People suck. - Mahatma Gandhi

I think there's been a mistake. Today needs to be Friday. My week's ration of professional enthusiasm is pretty much tapped.

For 25 years the funk guitar "think music" riff from Match Game 77 plays in my head every time I'm in the produce section trying to pick a grapefruit.

Milton Bradley & Xbox should team up to make a realistic interactive video game of OPERATION.

If the ocean was middle school, great white sharks would stealing lunch $ and smoking behind the bleachers.

Bone dry here. But I propose, in an act of solidarity with our friends on the east coast, that we all take a snow day today.

Do accountants who work for junk yards keep scrap books?

I started and stopped for a school bus stop sign 3 times in row this morning. Either the driver was having trouble with the door or he was F'ing w with me.

JC Meets World

You know about His birth and you know about His 30s but what about the time in between? Coming this fall on FOX, from the people who brought you Smallville and Gotham, comes a new show about the challenges of growing up as the Savior, its: Jesus Christ: The Wonder Years.

Floss manufacturers should hand out free popcorn and celery to assure business.

cake fail

History:My grandfather was a baker. Idea: so I attempted to experiment with ingredients while making a cake. Result: Seems I was not included in the creative baker gene.

Are street sweepers necessary? I've never looked at a road afterwards & said, "Wow! This is so clean, bright, & fresh smelling! And just LOOK at that shine!"

At this point in my life the walk of shame means I'm exiting a Dunkin Donuts.

a new scent

I'm developing a new cologne that smells like a bowling alley. A musky scent of floor polish. sweat, cheap polyester, & old shoe. I'm calling it:  The 5-10 SPLIT

late night directions

Me: (To Google Maps) Won't-you-take-me-to- Funky TOWN!?!
Google Voice: Recalculating for home. You are drunk again.
Me: (loud, off key slur sing) Get down, boogie oogie oogie
Google Voice: (softly) ...asshole.

Remember when you were 5 and invented some unintelligible 1 person show you insisted your parents sit thru and watch? That's Facebook.

I figured my pedometer was broken as it was the only one in the office that didn't provide reminder beeps. Turns out the only thing faulty is my hearing.

Someday I hope to be randomly introduced to an optometrist at a party just so I can shake their hand and say,"Boy are you a site for sore eyes."

I wonder how many foreigners have wandered into Subway restaurants looking to take the train uptown?

mall

A teenager just stepped aside for me to get on an escalator saying"After you Pops." He was polite and respectful so I said "Thanks".. just before I smacked him w my cane and bag of Polygrip

credit trace

My Mom's short term memory is in decline. Against our advice, she has taken to keeping her Visa card loose in her pocket. Today at lunch she told me she couldn't find it. After 15 minutes of frantic checking through dirty laundry, chair cushions, piles of random paperwork, and various coat pockets I started to wonder how long it had been gone and how I was going to deal w/ visa theft division when Mom walked around the corner with her Visa in her hand and asked, "What are you looking for?"

The scanner on the office copier refuses to speak to my PC. I hate it when I end up in the middle of an argument at work.

A day without learning for me is like a day that ends with a y

In your entire life there will never be a cookie purchase more strategically motivated than a ‎girlscout cookie‬ purchase.

mix it good

If I visit a dog pound, the zoo, a farm, and a hospital baby nursery, armed only with an auto tune microphone and a digital recorder, I'll bet I could mix a chart topping hit before dinner time.

Had a coughing fit this morning when a surprise hiccup made me swallow my mouthwash. "Listerine Shooters.. part of this balanced breakfast."

haven't even started yet

I hit my head, twisted my knee, and knocked over a water bottle.. all BEFORE I got out of bed this morning. For your own safety, you should probably keep your distance from me and my black cloud today.

I'm pretty sure that the law of gravity is just trying to f*** with me today

I bribed a tech at NASA to re-program the golden record on Voyager 1 to play nothing but "Weird Al" Yankovic

Today would have been Elvis's 80th birthday so lets stick a candle in a fried peanut butter & banana sandwich and blow one out for the king. Thankyouverimuch.

If you'd like to make a call please hang up and try again. If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator. This is a recording.

cold day

9 degrees: Tough day to be a policeman, delivery driver, mail carrier, or anything outside. Stay warm folks. Say a Prayer for the homeless and bring your outdoor pets inside. However, if your thing is driving over frozen lawns, ice fishing, or testing out your new thermal long underwear, knock yourself out.

Do the stoners who live in Anchorage refer to a pot brownie as baked Alaska?

A foul twist on Neil Simon

On November 13, Felix (Donald Duck) Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of residence; that request came from his wife(Daisy). Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that some day he would return to her. With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar (Daffy Duck) Madison. Several years earlier, Madison's wife (female Bugs Bunny)had thrown HIM out, requesting that HE never return. Can two divorced ducks share an apartment without driving each other crazy? Coming this spring to Broadway, through the magic of hologram technology: Daffy Duck & Donald Duck together on stage in Neil Simon's "The Odd Couple".

acid cash

So I'm laying in bed, awake w/ acid reflux for the 4rth night in a row, and I drift off & get a phone call from an attorney offering me a huge out of court settlement so I don't sue for the reflux. I agree to the terms. Suddenly my alarm goes off and I realize it was a dream. Now I'm grumpy, exhausted, raspy, and still broke. Well played black cloud

Cold weather promotes inactivity, kills bugs, keeps grass from growing, and does not burn my hand when I touch my steering wheel. What's not to like?

The voicemail system at my office is offline this morning. Now, if only they would do the same to my email this might turn into a good day.

Confession: When I see a red headed woman without makeup on, her face kind of... disappears and it freaks me out a bit

ice

Found a great substitute for A.M. caffeine this morning. It's called driving onto a patch of black ice and sliding 3 lanes over. Come to think of it, this is also a great cure for constipation.

So far I've spent all of 2015 the same way I did 2014: tired and unfocused. (And every year I hone these superpowers a little more)

2015 nightmares

The last two nights (my entire years sleep) I've had nightmares about being in gradeschool unable to complete basic assignments. It's like Nightmare on Elm Street meets Schoolhouse Rock.