I'd like to see Nutter Butter flavored Oreos.

Do you have one or more glass flower vases stored under your kitchen sink? My theory is that they are placed in 3 out of 5 kitchens when the sink is installed

Maybe I don't WANT to relax. What you got to say NOW Frankie??

pretty woman

At the market I spotted a stunningly beautiful college aged woman. The kind of girl so striking every head turned when she walked by. I thought about how many doors will open for this girl to an unlimited future. Then I overheard her talking and could tell she was dumber than a box of rocks. And I thought, doors will STILL open for this girl for a bright future... as a trophy wife.

You know how uncomfortable it is when you've gained a few pounds and your pants are too tight? I just realized why the incredible hulk is always so pissed off.

health dream

Last night I dreamed I was suddenly in the hospital and scheduled for major surgery that everyone was aware of but me. When I woke up my first thought was being grateful for not having to deal with insurance.

I'm about to make a left turn into busy traffic I think of James Dean's last words (That's guys got to stop. He'll see us.) I wait and piss off the guy behind me

All went well with Bring Your Kid to Work day this week.. until he wandered into the IT room where our all our central lines are located.

Good news is today is Friday. Bad news is 5pm is a looong damn way away. Kind of a sweet and sour thing.

abc shopping

I want to buy an empty strip mall and put in a comedy club called LMAO, an IHOP, a FROYO, a massage parlor called YOLO, a KFC, a DMV, a AAA, and an art gallery called WTF.

My checkbook is a few hundred dollars in the red but today is payday, which feels like being handed a financial fire extinguisher during a budgetary grease fire.

haircuts

Women make appointments to have their hair washed, clipped, styled, dyed, highlighted, frosted, and their look redesigned. Men just walk in, get shorn, and walk out. Much easier being a guy.

I asked Google What I present do I buy for the Earth that has everything and it told me to drop dead.

USPS close call

A gust of wind blew a trash can into the road causing me to swerve and JUST miss a mail truck which freaked out the driver. "Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night, stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds. (But soiled pants might delay them a bit) "

I'm thinking at this point a couple of well hung bug-zappers around the White House might be an upgrade from the present security.

If anyone needs me I'll be at the airport announcing the Slinky Races on the escalator.

I subscribed to PEOPLE magazine via a charity fundraiser drive but now my house feels like a waiting room.

torpedo one!

I have an eye exam at 5pm. Hoping my optometrist is cool w/ me playing submarine commander periscope games while yelling, "FIRE ONE!!! ..HIT! DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!" during the exam. It also explains why I walk in wearing my captain's cap.

RIP stickers

I've noticed a dramatic increase in memorial rear window decals remembering dead loved ones. Not that I don't respect their testimonial or have sympathy for their loss, but every other stop light is starting to feel like a cemetery flash mob.

"Surprise me." - Bob Hope's last words to his wife when she asked him where he wanted to be buried.

Your mission for the day: get everyone at work to play a game of hot lava or musical chairs. Winner gets tomorrow off. (No worries, your boss told me it was fine)

we are what we drive

They say a car reflects it's owner. Mine has creaky doors, busted shocks, broken engine mounts, no working airbags, 3 working windows, duct tape repaired interior, balding tires, dents, scratches, squeaky wipers, air filter issues, perpetual warning lights, and unidentifiable garbage under the seats. But, surprisingly, it still runs. Ditto for me.

Pepsi challenge fail

I remember way back when soft drink companies first switched from glass bottles to 2 liter plastic ones that were advertised as "UNBREAKABLE!!" so I threw one in the air and let it drop on the concrete several times... just before I opened it.

Right now I have money.But tonight I'm doing my bills and once again watching my checking balance melt like a snowman in a pizza oven.

walkin the walk

This morning I glanced out my window while as Pink Panther theme played on my Sirius radio & saw an otter moving in sync w/ the music as he carefully slinked across the parking lot to the creek on the other side. If I play Chariots of Fire, I wonder if he'd race back in slow motion?

I'm going to make ice cubes out of orange juice, drop them into a glass of vodka, and call it a slow turning screwdriver.

If I ever end up on death row, for my last meal I'll order just enough Reese's Peanut Butter Cups to put me into a diabetic coma.

your show

How cool would it be if you could wake up in the morning, and press an app on your phone that starts with a familiar monotone voiceover saying, "Previously.. on Your Life." before playing a well edited 15 second video montage recapping your previous day?

I"ll bet the Tin Man is not a popular guy to hang out with during a lightening storm.

As independent contractors, do prostitutes have to adjust their budget for overhead?

raging waters

Dear Toy Makers,
Make me a cheap, 10", durable, watertight toy boat w/ a GPS finder and a waterproof video camera I can drop into swollen creeks and rivers during flash floods. Call it the SS Reconnaissance. Please deliver before the end of the business day. Thanks, Dave B

Uh, excuse me for interrupting your speech Coach but I'd like to point out that there IS a "ME" in TEAM which is pretty much like "I" so where does that leave us?

Twinkie-sized wasp came in my sunroof at a stoplight. I was prepared to abandon the car & sign the title over to him right there.

How do they manage to catch all these wild animal fights on camera? I call bullshit. I'm betting these are all scripted and performed by paid actors

Somewhere, deep in the woods, Bigfoot actually kind of misses being pursued by the paparazzi.

Remembering my father today

2 years ago today we lost Dad. But, even with the passing of time, who he was is still so much a part of us he's never really gone. (There just aren't as many trips to White Castle.) Miss you Pop.

It's a good thing Easter only comes one day a year because this much bright pastel clothing would damage my retinas if viewed on a regular basis.

I don't have time to dye Easter eggs today but if someone can lend me a paintball gun I'd be happy to do a few of them at a distance.

How cheap am I?

During a high stakes game of Scaryaoke (A Karaoke-Chicken Drinking Game) I once stood before a crowded bar and sang "I've Never Been to Me" by Charlene. This is how far I will go to avoid buying a round of drinks.

"Welcome to the Academy Awards, or as it's known at my house.. Passover" -Bob Hope

BOOM dream

Last night I dreamed it was May 1937 and I was 20 something & starting a new job as ground crew at Naval Air Station Lakehurst, New Jersey waiting for the Hindenburg to arrive. I was on the phone w/ someone who told me to be careful. My response was, "It's just a big balloon for God's sake! What could possibly go wrong??"

I'm so glad that Lenten no-meat Fridays don't last all year: A man who hates seafood can stand only so much crappy frozen cheese pizza.

The bad news is that I had to sweep a half inch of rainwater out of my garage this morning. The good news is that I can write that off as cleaning it.

Sometimes when I read an abbreviated text message I picture the smoldering wreckage of a catastrophic train car derailment at Conjunction Junction.

Despite the fact that they closed their doors here 33 years ago, I am really craving a Howard Johnson's Blueberry Toastie right now

If I were the last person on earth my mad skills as a handyman/mechanic/gardener would allow me to thrive and survive for as many as 3 whole days.

When you have my black cloud, every day is April fools day. Welcome to my world.