Every car should have a feature that automatically plays Hotel California whenever you drive thru heavy fog.

New Rule: All tacos&tortillas will be square instead of round. All in favor?

Today is my 13 year anniversary with A-Mrazek Moving Systems. (You'd think by now I'd stop tripping on that front step)

The older it gets, the slower my computer is to power up and function in the morning. It SO gets me.

Its 2018, where is my fully lit & decorated Christmas tree that cranks open & closed like a patio umbrella? #TheJetsonsWereLiars

The Monday of a 3 day work week is still a Monday

Instead of replacing my broken DVR w/ a new one,Spectrum installed a beat up refurbished unit found in an abandoned trailer park

When waiting at the airport I like to play music & give fashion runway commentary on everyone filing out of the terminal gate

The anticipation of 4-7" of snow falling the night before my planned vacation day at home makes me smugly happy

One of the perks of middle age deterioration is the joy of comfort over fashion. Socks w/ sandals is not far away.

sams

The lady at Sam's Club didn't greet me, make eye contact or smile when she checked my cart out at the door but I DID learn all about Lamar, the jerk off, cheating, boyfriend of the friend she was talking to. What an A-hole! Shondra was RIGHT to ghost his ass!Giiirrl!!!(SNAP!)#TheMoreYaKnow🌈

reading material

First I outgrew Highlights magazine, then Boys Life, then Maxim, and now Entertainment Weekly. All that's left is AARP Monthy and then back to Highlights.

In an attempt to make middle age fun, I'm developing 3D Reading Glasses so every book will be a pop-up.

fine dining

I enjoyed my elegant lunch of lobster bisque, baked ham, turkey stuffing, & pumpkin pie, but I had to change clothes 4 times to make enough free sample rotations at Sams Club to fill up.

fake calls

The "IRS" called and told me I have outstanding penalties due& I need to pay b4 the local "cops" arrest me. I commended them for finally tracking me down, said they'll never take me alive, & yelled "BURN EVERYTHING! We're runing again!" as I hung up.

We could eliminate obesity in this country in 3 months if exercise was the only way to charge our phone.

The real winners were the ones smart enough to take home all that leftover party food.Meatballs&cubed cheese for lunch all week!

My coworker said her mom is working the poles today. So sad that a senior citizen has to work at a strip club to make ends meet.

I got up on time, traffic was lite so I was early to the office, and someone brought in cookies: Something BAD is coming my way.

Every politician currently campaigning needs to particpate in one huge pie fight. It wont affect my vote but will be deeply satisfying to watch

holiday merch

11/1: Like an unstoppable spreading holiday virus, Walmart has ALREADY converted to Christmas. Target & Walgreens will fall next.. then all will be lost. CDC warns Santa Bug Cannot Be Contained. #GrinchesUnite

Its pretty cool how stores celebrate All Saints Day by selling 50% off candy.