Last night I watched a 1yr old climb on top of his 7yr old brother and bounce on his head. Babysitting is better than the WWE.

From my neighborhood website today:

 Coyotes in the area
We saw a very healthy looking Coyote last night in the Ivy Chase area (Well after dark). While this one looked well fed, they are still known to be predatory towards pets and even small children.
New1h ago · 50 neighborhoods in Crime & Safety

What kind of a jerk builds a wall shelf that holds 99 bottles of warm beer to hand out at parties? Buy a fridge ya cheap bastard.

Peanut Butter Oreos are just Nutter Butters that elected to have transgender reassignment surgery

house

I used to want a home w/ a firehouse pole & a waterslide, but now I'd prefer someplace w/ an elevator & a craftmatic adjustable bed. #FromLifeofPartytoLifeAlert

Just realized they call the place Jack in the Box because 10min after you eat it the food surprisingly pops back up.

I'm pretty sure Arby's Sauce is just Maul's BBQ Sauce & Ketchup

Just who is this Buttercup chick and specifically what is it she being asked to suck up anyway?

Right now morning people are zooming ahead productively while I'm staring at my screen wondering where I hid my password

midnight

I dropped by Walmart around midnight and saw a couple w/ their 5 month old baby casually doing a full weeks worth of shopping. The only responsible explanation is that this was a family of vampires who must live only by night.

Dear Hasbro

If you opened a restaurant that turned Play-Doh into edible, low carb, flavored food that I could squeeze thru a fun factory or baber shop and onto my plate.. I'd totally eat there. Thanks, Dave B

Starting a workday when you really don't want to is equivalent to pushing a car uphill.Gravity works against you

The Exorcist did not bother me at all but Beetlejuice gave me nightmares. Dying is easy. Dying comically is hard.

I swung my lunch bag thru a spider web so now I'm sure my sandwich will include spider eggs which will hatch & come out my ears.

Women are Barbies who look in the mirror & see a Cabbage Patch Kid. Men are Mr.Potato Heads who look in the mirror & see GI Joe

new game

Idea: a new party trend called Silent Cell where everyone arrives, but stays silent, communicates only via 1 to 1 text or snapchat until they each figure a password based on a provided clue. Last one to guess gets a beating from the rest. (Its a Darwin thing)

Yesterday felt like Friday so being at work today feels like Saturday detention. #GrownUpBreakfastClub

traffic

Thanks to traffic for the PGA championship I was almost 20 min late for work. I haven't seen this many middle age white guys in the same place since Walmart had that 2 for 1 sale on fertilizer.

The car in front of me had a Ghostbuster sticker next to a memorial sticker for a dead friend. Is the plan to capture his ghost?

old papers

My electric typewriter in college had a LED screen so I could proof each line before it printed. Yet looking back it still looks like my term papers were typed by a drunk monkey.

August in St. Louis is like being inside a microwave someone is trying to dry dirty wet socks in.

Fun Fact: If you hiccup hard enough while brushing your teeth, toothpaste WILL come out of your nose.#IStillSmellAquafresh

Gen Z is the demographic cohort after the Millennials.I assume this means they will be the LAST generation?Humans had a good run

reboots

Dear Reboot-Crazed Network Executives: There is a reason all those old sitcoms were eventually cancelled. They were used up, out of ideas, and no longer good. Stop playing TV Frankenstein by trying to raise the dead. Let the characters rest in peace instead of awkwardly dragging out a 20 yr older cast.

Life is a gift. And sometimes that gift is a hideous, ill-fitting shirt w/ no receipt or tag to exchange it