Sunday, July 26, 2015

first pitch (7)

At yesterday's Cardinal's game they threw out no fewer than 7 First pitches. Now I admit I'm no good at math but either someone in baseball needs to buy a calculator or they need to rename those next 6 pitches.

The humidity is so thick out there today that I think I could hang wet laundry in the air without using a line.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

stalled

You know those days when you pull and pull on the mower but it's flooded and won't start but deep down you are glad because you hate mowing grass anyway even though it needs to be done? That's me at my desk everyday after lunch.

Since the statute of limitations has finally expired I can finally admit that I was one who actually shot JR Ewing.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

I'm a dork and I'm OK with that. Then I see a 370lb woman in a moo moo on a Honda Scooter and realize there is still so far yet to fall.

crusty

Dear Crusty Stuff on the lip of my office mug: I realize that you are residue left from yesterday's use but my brain immediately jumps to the conclusion that last night a malicious janitor with leprosy decided to slurp his swill from my cup.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

the paper

The other day I was reading a newspaper. It's been so long since I've picked one up it felt like I was doing something retro. I half expected to find an article about President Reagan trash talking the Soviet Union and the latest sale prices on VCRs, cassette players, and cabbage patch kids.

I'm not going to Great Clips anymore because every time I get a haircut they make my hairline recede a tiny bit and keep adding more gray.

Friday, July 10, 2015

If President's Day is a legitimate for a mattress sale then why isn't Shark Week?

money owed

When I was 15 In 1985 I scooped ice cream and made deli sandwiches for $3.35 an hour at a little shop called SCOOPS but the owner locked the doors one night and left town without warning. FYI: John Vance you still owe me $85 + 30 years interest.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

McGruff

McGruff the crime dog told us to "take a bite of crime" in the 80s but his career took a nosedive in March of 89 when the bloodhound was caught sniffing a cocaine trail in the police evidence room.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

dammit

Came into the office to get some work done but there is no toner in the copier (leaving me dead in the water) which means the coming workweek just shifted from productive to greek tragedy.

4rth

Last night between 9:15-9:45 in each respective time zone, the majority of the population of this country were outside sitting in lawn chairs watching stuff blow up. This is why mosquitos celebrate 7/4 as their Thanksgiving.

4rth

As we wait for fireworks to begin I think back to all my years delivering dominoes on the fourth. Driving thru a haze of sulfer induced fog with my car being pelted by bottle rockets and roman candles shot by kids running into the street. All I can say is.. tip big. You got a pizza. Your driver got PTS.

4rth

Went to 5 stands and still can't find "The OZ" (the firework that shoots, explodes, and then spells out SURRENDER DOROTHY in green smoke.) I thought I had it at the last one but all it did was fill the air with parachuting monkeys.