Just used the men's room in a pathetic bid to delay starting my Sunday catch up files at the office. You could say I put the Pee in Procrastinating

If life was a sitcom, then post lunch food coma is the unproductive down period during commercial breaks.

Its about damn time you got here Friday

One Presidential Debate should consist of each candidate given 30 min to sell used cars on TV. Sell me a 93 escort, you get my vote

I slipped on a water bottle when I got out of bed this morning,bounced off the wall /& back onto the bed.My dog thinks I'm an idiot.

Last night I dreamed I was a pastry chef for a colombian drug lord. This morning I'm aggravated because I left the oven on.

I can tell that the only way I'm going to get started this morning is for someone to roll me down a hill and pop my clutch.

Why is it every time a police car pulls out behind me I suddenly tense up like I've got a hostage and 4 kilos of cocaine in my trunk?

a whole new world

I'd consider going back to Disneyworld if they built a separate park just for tired adults featuring rides like The Disney Princess Foot Massage Experience, Pirates of the Caribbean Hammock Nap Adventure, and Mamma Bambi's Steak & Ale house.

dust in the wind

Since everything is digital now in 1000 years archeologists will piece together our history from old movie posters, People magazine, and The National Enquirer. This will be recorded for posterity as a dark period called The Kardashian Age.

Thinking the streets are fine just as I suddenly Tokyo Drift a corner just missing a pole.Note to self: buy front seat stain remover.

Shit. Today I passed through that invisible doorway to old age when I found myself enjoying instrumental muzak .

My office is open today but it seems like most people I know have the day off. Feeling like I'm stuck in detention and missing recess.

I have a dream, that traffic can always be as nonexistent as this morning.

brrrr good

I enjoy bundling up against the cold as opposed to stripping down for the heat. My reduced number of visual nuisance citations in the winter months suggest the general pubic agrees with my decision.

Trying to give away a tube TV is like trying to sell a snow blower in Hawaii.

In a meeting w/ management, I repeatedly referred to Two Men & a Truck as Two & A Half Men. I see why Missouri State is so hesitant to admit I am an alumni.

By all logic, isn't this who should be announcing the Oscar nominations tomorrow?

Either I put my watch on upside down this morning or I woke up on the wrong side of the mirror again.

turns out my spirit animal is a minion.

New motto for Depends: TRY OUR STYLISH NEW EUROPEAN DESIGN

Wait, didn't David Bowie die a long time ago in the Alamo along side Davey Crockett?

Dear Zombies & Superheroes: You have been officially oversaturated in pop culture. Start packing. Sincerely, 2016

PS - If you don't believe me and think you are untouchable, just ask the vampires about their chat with 2013.

The Martian is definitely the funniest comedy since Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey.

I wonder how many people Google "The Golden Globes" wanting info on the awards show but unknowingly end up surfing porn

challenge accepted

Time:1996 / Place: Chattanooga, TN / Bribe: Tab for plate of hot wings, 1 jack & coke, 5 beers, & 2 shots / Dare: Soulful, animated, karaoke rendition of I've Never Been to Me in front of a crowded redneck bar. / Result: God I'm such a whore.

Hello? (pause) Listen Adele, I've told you 10 times you have the wrong number and to please stop calling me. Now knock it off!!

Boiling order is rescinded! My water is once again poop free! (Or as much as is allowed by government standards)

Everyone is talking about what they'll do if they win the lottery. As soon as I figure out a way to bribe my black cloud I'm lining up to buy a ticket.

For me going to the doctor for quarterly check ups is as productive as continually taking a wrecked car to a mechanic just so he can confirm its still broken.

I fell asleep to a Barney Miller rerun & dreamed I was working there.Definitely falling asleep to Charlie's Angels tonight.

score

projectile-coughed a pill across the room this morning - 1/ traffic jam -1 short cut +2 late for work -2/good stick at lab blood draw +2 / surprise urine sample - 1/ McD's screwed up drive thru order -2
/clean mug in office dishwasher +1/fogged glasses opening -1
/tripped on shoelace -2/recovered +1/
start of the 3rd quarter score: Dave 6 / Black Cloud 10

My fitbit readout read out called my time of death. Is that bad?

boiling mad at lack of notice

While they are flushing the remaining flood sewage from the water plant, I continue to be under a boil order. Which is something I wasn't aware of until last night. Atleast now when someone tells me I'm full of shit, I can't disagree with them.