Ever have one of those weeks when the idea of joining the witness protection program (even though you've never witnessed a crime) sounds like a really good idea?

People suck. - Mahatma Gandhi

I think there's been a mistake. Today needs to be Friday. My week's ration of professional enthusiasm is pretty much tapped.

For 25 years the funk guitar "think music" riff from Match Game 77 plays in my head every time I'm in the produce section trying to pick a grapefruit.

Milton Bradley & Xbox should team up to make a realistic interactive video game of OPERATION.

If the ocean was middle school, great white sharks would stealing lunch $ and smoking behind the bleachers.

Bone dry here. But I propose, in an act of solidarity with our friends on the east coast, that we all take a snow day today.

Do accountants who work for junk yards keep scrap books?

I started and stopped for a school bus stop sign 3 times in row this morning. Either the driver was having trouble with the door or he was F'ing w with me.

JC Meets World

You know about His birth and you know about His 30s but what about the time in between? Coming this fall on FOX, from the people who brought you Smallville and Gotham, comes a new show about the challenges of growing up as the Savior, its: Jesus Christ: The Wonder Years.

Floss manufacturers should hand out free popcorn and celery to assure business.

cake fail

History:My grandfather was a baker. Idea: so I attempted to experiment with ingredients while making a cake. Result: Seems I was not included in the creative baker gene.

Are street sweepers necessary? I've never looked at a road afterwards & said, "Wow! This is so clean, bright, & fresh smelling! And just LOOK at that shine!"

At this point in my life the walk of shame means I'm exiting a Dunkin Donuts.

a new scent

I'm developing a new cologne that smells like a bowling alley. A musky scent of floor polish. sweat, cheap polyester, & old shoe. I'm calling it:  The 5-10 SPLIT

late night directions

Me: (To Google Maps) Won't-you-take-me-to- Funky TOWN!?!
Google Voice: Recalculating for home. You are drunk again.
Me: (loud, off key slur sing) Get down, boogie oogie oogie
Google Voice: (softly) ...asshole.

Remember when you were 5 and invented some unintelligible 1 person show you insisted your parents sit thru and watch? That's Facebook.

I figured my pedometer was broken as it was the only one in the office that didn't provide reminder beeps. Turns out the only thing faulty is my hearing.

Someday I hope to be randomly introduced to an optometrist at a party just so I can shake their hand and say,"Boy are you a site for sore eyes."

I wonder how many foreigners have wandered into Subway restaurants looking to take the train uptown?

mall

A teenager just stepped aside for me to get on an escalator saying"After you Pops." He was polite and respectful so I said "Thanks".. just before I smacked him w my cane and bag of Polygrip

credit trace

My Mom's short term memory is in decline. Against our advice, she has taken to keeping her Visa card loose in her pocket. Today at lunch she told me she couldn't find it. After 15 minutes of frantic checking through dirty laundry, chair cushions, piles of random paperwork, and various coat pockets I started to wonder how long it had been gone and how I was going to deal w/ visa theft division when Mom walked around the corner with her Visa in her hand and asked, "What are you looking for?"

The scanner on the office copier refuses to speak to my PC. I hate it when I end up in the middle of an argument at work.

A day without learning for me is like a day that ends with a y

In your entire life there will never be a cookie purchase more strategically motivated than a ‎girlscout cookie‬ purchase.

mix it good

If I visit a dog pound, the zoo, a farm, and a hospital baby nursery, armed only with an auto tune microphone and a digital recorder, I'll bet I could mix a chart topping hit before dinner time.

Had a coughing fit this morning when a surprise hiccup made me swallow my mouthwash. "Listerine Shooters.. part of this balanced breakfast."

haven't even started yet

I hit my head, twisted my knee, and knocked over a water bottle.. all BEFORE I got out of bed this morning. For your own safety, you should probably keep your distance from me and my black cloud today.

I'm pretty sure that the law of gravity is just trying to f*** with me today

I bribed a tech at NASA to re-program the golden record on Voyager 1 to play nothing but "Weird Al" Yankovic

Today would have been Elvis's 80th birthday so lets stick a candle in a fried peanut butter & banana sandwich and blow one out for the king. Thankyouverimuch.

If you'd like to make a call please hang up and try again. If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator. This is a recording.

cold day

9 degrees: Tough day to be a policeman, delivery driver, mail carrier, or anything outside. Stay warm folks. Say a Prayer for the homeless and bring your outdoor pets inside. However, if your thing is driving over frozen lawns, ice fishing, or testing out your new thermal long underwear, knock yourself out.

Do the stoners who live in Anchorage refer to a pot brownie as baked Alaska?

A foul twist on Neil Simon

On November 13, Felix (Donald Duck) Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of residence; that request came from his wife(Daisy). Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that some day he would return to her. With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar (Daffy Duck) Madison. Several years earlier, Madison's wife (female Bugs Bunny)had thrown HIM out, requesting that HE never return. Can two divorced ducks share an apartment without driving each other crazy? Coming this spring to Broadway, through the magic of hologram technology: Daffy Duck & Donald Duck together on stage in Neil Simon's "The Odd Couple".

acid cash

So I'm laying in bed, awake w/ acid reflux for the 4rth night in a row, and I drift off & get a phone call from an attorney offering me a huge out of court settlement so I don't sue for the reflux. I agree to the terms. Suddenly my alarm goes off and I realize it was a dream. Now I'm grumpy, exhausted, raspy, and still broke. Well played black cloud

Cold weather promotes inactivity, kills bugs, keeps grass from growing, and does not burn my hand when I touch my steering wheel. What's not to like?

The voicemail system at my office is offline this morning. Now, if only they would do the same to my email this might turn into a good day.

Confession: When I see a red headed woman without makeup on, her face kind of... disappears and it freaks me out a bit

ice

Found a great substitute for A.M. caffeine this morning. It's called driving onto a patch of black ice and sliding 3 lanes over. Come to think of it, this is also a great cure for constipation.

So far I've spent all of 2015 the same way I did 2014: tired and unfocused. (And every year I hone these superpowers a little more)

2015 nightmares

The last two nights (my entire years sleep) I've had nightmares about being in gradeschool unable to complete basic assignments. It's like Nightmare on Elm Street meets Schoolhouse Rock.