'Big Brother After Dark' is like being stranded for 3 hrs in a college bar listening to random snippets of millenial chatter& is more mind numbing than morphine

Plus side of a cough/sore throat is having a Skeletor phone voice.

I'm not saying I had coughing fits during the night but this morning there were assorted swans and geese outside my window with love in their eyes.

Raining outside & Chinese proverb say bad luck to business unless someone nap under desk. I'll take one for the team.

I left the remote on my clock radio so when I smacked the snooze alarm the remote catapulted and did a somersault onto my head. ‪#‎SonyBlackCloud

Angry customer came in primed to yell at me over her move. my coughing kept her at bay & shortened the conversation considerably.Thanks summer cold!

The best thing about last night's NyQuil still working the next morning at work is having no idea its the next morning or that I'm at work,

Having a summer cold feels a lot like being a goldfish who'se bowl was half filled with ice cubes and then heated in a microwave

Dear EU: By the time you read this I'll be gone. It's not u its me. Don't try to follow me. We'll split up the CDs and DVDs later. Goodbye. Love, Brit

Clean Teeth/Wild Ride

Just got my teeth cleaned and my hygienist might have been on cocaine. She was this pretty, petite, little thing but she rapid fire talked 20 miles a minute & tossed me around in that chair like I was an empty plastic bag. I now know her entire romantic, spiritual, & professional history and have bruises like I lost a UFC match.

Woke up w/ a deep cough. If I was a plane my LEFT ENGINE FAILURE cockpit warning alarm would be flashing.

Forecast:100. intensely hot day. Heat index 105-108. 93 days to fall. Must..hold..on

double troubles

So far this week I had 2 ATMs not accept 2 $5bills, 2 nights in a row w/ the same deer crossing in front of my car(both times gave me an FU Elvis lip quiver), and 2 twice sneezed in the middle of a food order. ‪#‎ChewingBlackCloudDoubleMintGum

New towel rack install will require measuring,drilling,&spackling.Prediction:Not being handy+my black cloud=domino effect ending in full collapse of the house.

Summer heat/humidity is the tranqulizer, lack of sleep is the dart, and Monday afternoon is the gun that shoots it. Man down.

Grabbed a towel after washing up this morning and got not only the towel but also the towel rack right out of the wall. Happy Monday Black Cloud

That steak sandwich at lunch was gooood but I think somebody roofied it because I'm having trouble staying awa..zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Do kids still run thru sprinklers to cool off? Are they waiting for cheaper waterproof cells so they can continue to text mid-sprinkle?

Plus of a heatwave is that it pits 2 of my sworn enemies against each other:Heat is an excuse to not cut my grass while also slowing the green monster's growth.

Last night I tossed my shirt across the room to the hamper but it was intercepted by ceiling fan and launched back at me. ‪#‎BlackCloudBoomerang

My favorite deleted scene from the original Planet of the Apes was when Charlton Heston threw his own feces at his ape captors.

Screw penicillin, sliced bread, fire, or the wheel. I say man's greatest acheivement was the invention of central air conditioning. ‪#‎102HeatIndex

Got an unexpected raise. Life is good.

If hand sanitizer kills 99.9% of germs shouldn't drinking the stuff pretty much cure cancer?

In the last 24 hours I have detoured around 7 street repair crew sites. This is a great town but I'm not driving again until its finished.

When I eat a cold Milky Way bar I'm 7 again,at the snack bar at Concord Swimming Pool.I smell chlorine,hear splashing, & feel the sun.No more LSD in my candy

True Fun Fact: The last 4 numbers of my ex-wife's SS# were 0666. That should have been a warning to me(that & she had a tail,horns,& carried a trident)

Dear Telemarketers/Jehovah Witnesses/&Charitable Solicitors:Acid reflux again has robbed me of all sleep so now is the time to pounce. I'll never know what hit me.

Last night I dreamed I had dementia. It scared the shit out of me. Luckily, I don't remember much of it.

Was singing Oh What A Beautful Morning out loud in the car this morning and the guy in the car next to me flipped me the bird. Everyone's a critic.

I considered a career as a mailman until I realized I'd have to drive the truck in reverse in order to use every fast food drive thru window to get my lunch everyday.

Last night I stalled out at home. I did nothing, ate unhealthy food while staring blankly at the TV like a catatonic patient in AWAKENINGS. .. it was wicked awesome.