Who do I talk to about having Animal House produced as an Italian Opera?

People think I have no reason to stare in the breakroom fridge every morning as I heat my tea but I'm really charting how long it takes for expired ketchup to mold.

My face got hit by the microwave door this morning. But to be fair, I insulted it first.

SPAM

Dear Hormel, Since no one really knows what SPAM is you can cheaply make it into any kind of food. As we Americans will eat anything, it's time for a fast food chain dedicated to this product. I'm thinking "Casa De Spam", "Spam Palace", or "All Spam All the Time". Good luck. - Dave B

hernia

So I'm w/ my doc for a hospital follow up visit and in between telling me how dangerously sick I was he mentions I of course have an abdominal hernia. Saywhatnow? So he tells me do a sit up and suddenly my stomach becomes a teepee. Great. On top of everything else I'm now a human traffic cone.

In my head, the characters from every TV show that gets cancelled w/out a finale are lost souls forever banished to unresolved sitcom purgatory.

Hint for a zombie apocalypse:Forget the gun, carry packets of KFC's 11 Herbs & Spices, Sprinkle liberally on approaching walkers. watch them eat each other

snow clearing, competitive crushing, paper weight, anchor, drag racing: Just a few of the things that steam rollers would also be great at.

Maintenance either needs to replace that flickering florescent bulb in the copy room or install a fog machine, disco ball, and DJ booth.

Feeling 10 yrs older & 60% slower today. But I guess it better than feeling 60% older & 10% slower.

After 3 hospital stays, a new roof, and new AC, my savings account has gone from lush jungle to underground cavern in under a year.

Despite my smile,the waitress at the Chinese place scowled at me like we were about to go head to head Sumo style.

Dear Pez: Taking my meds would be so much more fun if they came out of one of your dispensers. Get on the please. Thanks, Dave B

In the song Phantom 309 I never considered until today that the waiter/regulars at the diner were just screwing around with a gullible hitchhiker.

Working with a headache makes me feel like Steven Wright being accidentally signed up for a rap battle contest.

Its gonna be one of those days where I feel like a soldier being rushed into battle armed with only a squirt gun.

bulls eye

While returning from lunch I was driving under a RR bridge when a banana peel hit my windshield. 3 possibilities here: 1) A renegade monkey hidden in the creek brush to my left 2) A litterbug engineer w/ good aim 3) Heavenly garbage (Hey.. Moses got Manna. Maybe I get Banana)

you feel a draft?

Ran into Schnuck's for some carpet powder wearing a long baggy flannel shirt over t shirt and old gym shorts. Forgot it was buttoned thus making me look like I was just a guy casually shopping with no pants on. Amazing how quickly the line cleared for me at check out.

Pretty sure the real reason grocery stores randomly move everything around is because its fun to watch their customers get that confused look on our faces

Walmart now has $5 "Hot n Ready" Pizzas for sale by the registers. Wish I would have known the crust was made out of hot n ready play-doh.

Today I have a quarterly check up. The doc will look at my test results, shake his head,tell me he is disappointed,I'll say I'll do better.Its grade school all over again.

Terminator vs The Tin Man:

 The odds were on the cyborg for the win but the tin man had a lot of heart plus a big ass ax chop to the terminators CPU board. He will NOT be back. When asked about his win the tin man said it felt like a hollow victory.

This has been a long week. Yesterday felt like Thursday so today feels like Friday which means tomorrow I should get overtime pay.