On this date in 1859, Big Ben goes into operation in London, paving the way for thousands of awful porn names in the coming decades.

Yesterday felt like Friday so to be honest I'm a little pissed off to be in the office on Saturday afternoon.

Since Chinese food is different in America, could I still call it a Chinese Restaurant if I opened one w/ that menu in Beijing?

I'm not sure who is responsible for the screw up but I'm pretty sure we're at least supposed to be at Friday by now.

ringer

Is there a phone ring app that is just the sound of someone eating grape-nuts cereal? What a great way to annoy everyone around you!

dream

Last night I fell asleep watching the Late Show w/ James Cordin and dreamed his guest was 75yr old John Lennon who joked about the comically awful "music" of his 2nd ex-wife Yoko.

I sometimes miss the old days when shopping for home furnishings meant garage & estate sale haggling, good will, and the occasional nighttime curbside pick up.

The only bad part of a 3 day weekend is the 4 days that follow it.

To paraphrase Jon Bon Jovi This place has over 28 burgers.. and I've rocked them all.

scoob

Why DID that annoying little bastard Scrappy Doo speak normally while good ol' Scooby Doo had a severe speech impediment? I'm thinking cocaine related stroke in the back of the mystery machine.

car shows

I keep seeing car clubs gathering in parking lots to stand next to their shining, souped up, classic hot rods and I want to park my crappy 96 Camry right in the middle of it, pop my hood, open my doors, and lean on the fender all proud and cool just to see their reactions.

black cloud day continues

Trying to open a jar I doused my shirt w/ pickle juice, attempted to write w/ 2 dead pens, burned the roof of my mouth on hot cheese, and hit a pothole while fumbling w/ a CD which caused it to slip from my hand and bounce out the open car window. All of this was during today's lunch hour. Aren't you glad you aren't me?

black cloud

I have something after work so while carrying my suit to the car this morning the head of my "good" hanger broke sending the suit pants, shirt, tie, and jacket cascading in all directions down my stairwell. My dog however, appreciated the cushy items to walk on as she made her way up the stairs. This is how it works for me.

I can't get my broken hall closet door to rehang. I'm considering leaving it open, emptying it, and installing a payphone and chair in there.

An Ashley Madison membership should come with a promotional code for 15% off the cost of a divorce lawyer.

black cloud

On my way out this morning I went to grab an umbrella from the coat closet and the double doors snapped off their sliding hinges and fell on top of me. PS - The umbrella wasn't in there.

a rose by any other name..

In February 1964 Pete Townsend and Robert Daltrey spent the night thinking of names for their band. I'm pretty sure a lot of drugs and a copy of the Dr. Seuss book "Horton Hears a Who" were somehow in the room at the time.

The next great Apple product means nothing to me but as soon as they release an affordable, drone lawn mower, I'll be first in line.

At this point in the work day the only momentum I can achieve would involve falling out of my chair.

Life is a lot like last night's Mad Men finale: It meanders, wastes a lot of time, doesn't provide clear answers, and apparently all leads up to a COKE commercial.

back to school

Last night I dreamed someone told me 2 of my college professors were frauds so my bachelor degree was invalid. I moved temporarily back to Springfield, MO so I could retake these classes before even calling the university to verify. Clearly the dream me did not think this through.

Dear Skittles,

 I recently spoke to a man who has tripped on a LOT of acid over the years and he assures me that rainbows do not, in fact, taste ANYTHING like your candy. With this in mind, please change your slogan.
Thanks, Dave B

Thinking about how much energy I used to have makes me tired.

ticket

I got another ticket today but I swear I'm being profiled. They are pulling over EVERYBODY who isn't wearing a seatbelt and has a crushed tricycle and part of a park bench stuck to their grill.

Considering the Babyboomers LifeAlert is about to have for customers, the Beatles song HELP is appropriate background for future commercials.

Time for an "I Dream of Jeannie" movie. (No.. not a porn. Then again, a porn would be fine, but that's not what I meant.)

toby shoe

Becoming grass cutting shoes must be a Kunta Kinte/Roots experience for old sneakers: Being separated from the other shoes in the closet without warning to be stained w/ grass, worked to death, and spending the rest of their miserable, sockless life, alone in a garage.

The MSG in the average Chinese lunch is more potent than a visit to a traditional Chinese opium den (and much stickier)

I use one finger to type my texts instead of the double thumb method. In social media terms this means I am functionally illiterate.

My Mom has been in the hospital w/ fever and pneumonia since Friday but it looks like they are letting her go home today. A very happy Mother's Day.

Dear Disney/Jim Henson Productions,

Please make a shot per shot remake of Apocalypse Now Redux cast completely by Muppets.

Thanks,

Dave B / St. Louis, MO

I would survive a zombie apocalypse because the herd would accept me as one of their own (provided they come across me before 9am.)

78 years ago today the Hindenburg exploded in New Jersey. Thanks to a greasy ham sandwich at lunch, a similar event is occurring in my stomach.

I like being a pessimist. There is less far to fall when things go wrong and the dark side membership dues are cheaper.

Biting your own tongue must be karmic punishment for committing brutal murder in a past life

It's official. I can no longer write anything in cursive beyond my own signature. Sister Carla Marie (my 2nd grade teacher) is going to be pissed.

Remember winters as a kid sitting on a sled at the top of a snowy hill trying to scoot start the slide but it took 5 scoots to move? Welcome to Monday.

King of soul slides onto the scene

On this day in 1933 the King of Soul, James Brown was born. After emerging from the womb, Brown said ,"Uhh! Hiiiaa!!" smiled, and mumbled some incoherent words. He continued to repeat this pattern with much success until his death in 2006.

Getting cake at work is as close as you can get to the feeling of being in college and finding out one of your classes was cancelled for the day.