really?

So I saw my neurologist (well, not MY neurologist. The hospital leases him out) about my eye. What does the latest advancement neuromedical science advise me to do? Tape my eyelids open. 😵 #HeBlindedMeWithScience!!

tired of this

If this friggin' droopy eye vision problem doesn't go away before my first vacation in 4 years and I'm forced to cancel I WILL take my #BlackCloud to court and sue it for every bit of vapor that its worth until its so weak it can't dampen a kleenex. #TiredOfThisBullshit

I'm always the only one watching

I discovered a great original show on TBS but since it seems there is some rule that no one I know watches 99% of the shows I do, I won't even ask if anyone else does. #PeopleOfEarth

I'd like to thank Dunkin Donuts for making their product so expensive. The cheapskate me is generally stronger than the fat me.

Opening the refridgerator door to see what's in there is a very normal instinct so why do the people at the sperm bank keep getting so mad?

This morning at a stop sign a beautiful doe gracefully trotted out in front of my car, looked me in the eye, and then pooped.💩 #SameToYouBambi

born to be wild

Pondering the cheapest way to get a used riding lawn mower from Rockford, IL to Fenton, MO. Trailer is too expensive. Thought about driving it back myself but I promised Betsy my outlaw biker days were behind me.

If pens that don't write were wealth then between my desks at work & home I could easily afford to retire right now.

Hello. We haven't met but my name is Current Resident and I believe you have some things that belong to me

eye eye

MYymost recent episode of myasthenia gravis has my right eyelid involuntarily closing, especially when I'm driving late at night. Luckily, last night I was the only one driving on those particular sidewalks, yards, & patios so it wasn't a problem.

I'm pretty sure that James Comey is actually just Scott Baio in aging make-up.

idea

KC Masterpiece & OFF insect spray should team up and make "Mesquito Repellent BBQ Sauce: Keeps Bugs Away Plus Tastes GREAT on Burgers & Chops "

sleeping mistakes

Sometime during the night the top half of me tossed while the bottom half of me turned in the opposite direction because I woke up w/ a major backache. #DoingTheYodaWalk

turn the page

I just finished a REALLY good book and my first instinct was to pass it to my Mom. She loved reading and would tear through a 800 page novel in no time. Even though dementia robbed her of this over a year before she passed I'll always cherish my memories of 10 years of exchanging stories and comments back and forth. #LittleThingsMeanALot 📚

blow me down

I didn't sleep much so I considered downing a can of spinach for superstrength. Then I considered the side effects of lost vision, balding, & swollen chin & forearms and decided to just stay tired.

lunch

Beautiful day: Low humidity,83, blue sky, sunny, w/ a gusty summer breeze. So I ate lunch in the park & read a book.. until the wind blew a plastic bag into my face. #BlackCloudVersionOfPeekABoo

password paradox

I need somewhere to store all of my constantly changing passwords but if someone got access to it I'd be in trouble so where I store it would have to have a constantly changing password which puts me right back where I started.

Alex: A fast way to get through an airport.

 Me: What is a drycleaning overhead conveyer.

1rst rule of Mime Fight Club: You don't talk.. about anything. Ever.

Mime Fight Club Rules:
1)You do not talk in Mime Fight Club
2)You do not talk in Mime Fight Club
3)If someone says "stop" they are not a mime(kill them)
4) Only one invisible box to a fight...
5) Only 2 mimes to a fight (invisible dogs allowed)
6) One fight at a time
7) No shirts (w/out black & white vertical stripes)
8) Fights go on until they have to or someone is tied by invisible rope
9) If this is your first night at Mime Fight Club you have to pretend to fight.

Today would have been my Mom's 87th birthday. #HappyBirthday #RIP #MissYou

If anyone asks, I definitely wore this shirt on purpose to celebrate #FlagDay. It's not a coincidence at all. #ThatsMyStoryAndImStickingToIt

while you wait

Police should pipe a continuous loop of the TV themes from Baretta, Cops, & Dragnet into interogation rooms while the perp sits waiting to be questioned. Just the aggrivation will speed up the confession process. #BadBoys #DontDoIt #JustTheFacts

The first major wave of summer heat/humidity makes me feel lethargic, weak, and confused.. kind of like when I interned for Bill Cosby in the 80s.

Ever been in a store on a really hot day,catch a whiff of someone's nasty BO and then worry for a second that it's your own?

I'm trying call to set up my annual eye exam but I'm having trouble reading the tiny phone number on the reminder card. #SarcasticBastards

When you come across an ant hill, always find and beat up the biggest ant first to establish dominance and respect from the group.

flip

I can't watch the Comey testimony because I'm at work, but to be honest if I was home I'd watch for about 2 minutes before wondering what's happening over on The Price Is Right.

ouch

I bit the inside of my mouth at lunch which sucks because it means I'm going to bite the same spot again & again until it heals. Its like stubbing your toe again and again in the same spot like some masochistic evil groundhog day.

Whenever my car is in the shop and I have no mode of transportation I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway. #Wilson!

options

Someone asked me what it would take for me to stop working and retire early. I mentally calculated my financial holdings, savings trajectory, considered my viable options, and said one word: "Death."

Monday blahs? Try secretly mixing Pop Rocks into the sugar next to the coffee maker in the breakroom.

So much to do, so little motivation to do it.

sucked in

Home improvement projects are like joining the Columbia Record & Tape Club. Seemed like a great idea at the begining but eventually you realize there is no way out until you fulfill the stupid commitment.