blood test

Don't you hate it when you get a voicemail at night saying you need to call your doctor to discuss blood test results the next day? They might as well just say "I'm just calling to ruin your night and make you worry every minute until our next regular business hours begin. Have Fun!"

cube toy

Dear Mattel,
Please invent a working Hot Wheels Racetrack that can be installed on the walls of an office cubicle. I promise you will tap a whole new age bracket of buyers and double your profits. Thanks. - Dave B

funky

Had dinner last night in a restaurant with an uncomfortably high ratio of sweaty, unwashed senior citizens. God Bless these nice old folks but the place smelled like a nursing home's dirty laundry hamper. Bon appétit.

idea

I'm going to invent a laxative marketed to the military and name it CALL OF DOODY

clean

Cleaned, dusted, vacuumed, and mopped Camp David yesterday for the first time in waaay too many months. It now smells like a hotel room when I walk in. I have a strong urge to steal my own towels and shampoo bottles.

squirrel

My Squirrel has launched his latest offensive in our war. The telephone line going into my house has chew marks. I think he's trying to cut off my communication so when he attacks I can't call for help. But I'm ready for him. When he gets in here, I'm going to blow up the house. THAT'll teach him!!

Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas,
and I was pondering the miracle this holiday is about.
Perhaps I don't really have a black cloud..
Just at that moment, the Cable & Internet went out.

squirrel

While backing out of the garage this morning I paused to hit the CLOSE button and looked to my left and there he was.. staring me down like a gunfighter. I winced and stared back. A show down. Then I hit the horn and he went up like a rocket. 2011 Score: Dave: 1 / Squirrel: zero

walgreens

Had to use the men's room at Walgreens tonight. After completion of my task the stall door was jammed shut. I had to violently shake it open. Then I cursed as the tap water came out boiling hot onto my hand. When I reached for the door to leave someone coming in crashed it into my open fingers. As I rubbed my damaged fist on the way out the girl stocking the shelf outside asked me if I won the fight in there.

pizza

Tonight I was washing my hands in the bathroom at Domino's when I spotted one of those Glade Scent & Spray things. Curious, I bent in to take a closer look just as the thing shot off an automatic spray right into my face. "Hawaiian Breeze" does NOT taste as good as it smells. Even with friggin' air freshener.. this is how it works for me.

monkey poop

Did you ever have one of those moods when you just know that if you were a monkey in the zoo, you'd just spend the whole day throwing your poop at people? No? Maybe it's me then.

night

I remember driving home from the Muny with my Mom one night when I was in highschool. As we rolled down the busy highway I'll never forget what she told me... "The doctor told me I'm legally blind in the dark and shouldn't drive at night."

tea

This morning I noticed that my tea bag contains 175mg of protective antioxidants. I'd like to thank the good people at Lipton for this reassurance. But while I'll sleep better with this knowledge I honestly can't recall ever being attacked by "oxidents" or even being able to identify one if it came at me. Are they similar to the old Crest Cavity Creeps?

recess

Have some major VIPs visiting the office so the dress code is professional. After being spoiled by 5yrs of business casual the shirt/tie makes me look like a cross between Dilbert & a Blues Brother. Feel like I'm in 4rth grade & it's "picture day" which means you can't be comfortable or screw up your "good clothes" during recess. So much for that dodgeball game in the parking lot at lunch.

jogger

Normally when I see a jogger it makes me lament my younger, healthier days but when I'm driving at 1pm in the heat of the day w/ 115degree heat index and I see a jogger it just makes me wonder what it's like to be a brain damaged idiot.

ice ice baby

Today at lunch I had the sunroof open & windows down & was rockin' along w/ Vanilla Ice's Ice Ice Baby (yes.. I know.. I'm cool) when a well groomed black guy in his early 20s pulled up next to me at a stop light, looked over at me, half smiled, slowly shook his head and said, "There goes the neighborhood."

morning

This morning I fed my dog a caramel rice-cake and took a dog biscuit to eat on my way to work. Bad news is that I clearly need stronger caffeine in the AM but the good news is my teeth are cleaner, my breath is pleasing, and my tail is wagging from the great taste of liver & chicken.

ll

What is it about Cold Medicine that makes a lava lamp so more intriguing to stare at??

pizza

2:30AM: Just got home from work. This weekend St. Louis is hosting some kind of statewide jr. varsity wrestling tournament and all the area hotels are stuffed with the young grapplers and their coaches. For some reason, the majority of the ...coaches who answered the door all looked like George "the animal" Steele from the 80's WWF. Extended steroid use over the years may have enhanced their athletic prowess but it certainly didn't increase their tipping ability. One kid was so pumped up he actually took a bite out of the pizza box itself when I handed it over. (This kid has a definite future in politics.. mark my words) See More

pizza

2:33AM. Just got home. Tonight some teens at a party were just drunk enough to think it was funny to change their order 15 times & kept me on the phone over 15 minutes. So when I, as instructed, followed the noise & delivered to their basement door in the backyard, instead of gently knocking.. I pounded on the door and hollered,"POLICE DEPARTMENT! OPEN THE DOOR NOW!" the inside immediately went silent. When the kid, white as ghost, opened the door I said,"Kidding.. just Domino's Pizza." (maniacal laugh)

pizza

2:34AM. Just got home. Tonight an old lady tried to pay for pizza with Monopoly money and then became enraged when I couldn't accept it. She was obviously in an advanced state of senility. Her daughter rushed in, apologized, and gave me real currency. In retrospect, I should have kept the Monopoly money.. there was a much higher tip there.

chair

This week at work I got a brand new executive chair. I love it because not only does it smell like a new car but it also has a high enough back that I can spin around like Dr. Evil to reveal myself and explain my diabolical plan for world domination. (insert maniacal laugh)

grill

I lost a man in the heat of battle today. In over 28 years of BBQ sessions I've never lost a burger thru the grate into the fire but today one all beef soldier slipped off my spatchula mid flip and down he went. I tried my best to rescue him but it was too late. However, after dinner when things cooled down I went back to the grill with a long fork for a search party and eventially recovered what was left of him, said a few words in tribute, and then fed him to the neighbor's dog. Why? Because the grill code says that no man, be he beef, chicken, braut, or pork, is left behind.

pizza

Just got home. Driving down Chariot Ave and stopped at a stop sign some kids were kicking a soccer ball around the yard. As I was lifting my travel mug to take a sip the ball came flying through my open drivers window, startling the hell out of me and knocking my mug across the car. The kids stood frozen in fear in the yard and mumbled "I'm really sorry" but I sat quietly for a few seconds, picked my response, and then suddenly yelled "GOOOAALLLL!!!" at the top of my lungs as I threw the ball back. This startled and scared them before they smiled and realized the joke. We were even and life went on.

pizza

1:05AM. Just got home. St. Louis County Police set up a sobriety check point on Hawkins Rd (trying to catch drunk drivers after the Cards win) that I got stopped at on my way home. The officer asked me if I'd been drinking tonight. I told him (truthfully) I'm coming off of a 16 hr work day, the last 7.5 of which was spent delivering Domino's. He leaned his head in my window a bit and sniffed. Then told me to move along. This may be the only time I'll ever be grateful for a car that wreaks of grease, cheese, and sausage.

vote

I voted this morning. Not so much because I care about my constitutional right. I just like the free sticker.

Book Link

http://www.thebookpatch.com/BookStore/misadventures-of-the-pizza-guy/ae84a93d-003c-4f8b-ad5c-49e3853d3b4e#.UMt_uEsdP00.facebook

pizza

11:41PM. Just got home. Tonight a customer played Deal or No Deal with me. He offerred me a $5 bill for a tip or a good cigar he was just given by a friend. (He doesn't smoke) Tonight as I sit on my screen porch with a hot mug of tea puffing on what I'm pretty sure is a $25 hand rolled cuban, all I can say is.. good deal.

hide

You know how alcoholics are known to hide liquor bottles all over the house to hide their addiction? I can see myself doing that with cake.

pizza

11:01pm. Just got home. Tonight a lady upped my tip from $3 to $5 after watching me slip, slide, and spin across a patch of ice on her sidewalk like a clumsy, drunk, polar bear trying to cross a frozen lake. If only I would have landed that triple axel flip at the end I might have got $10. Dammit.

window

A few minutes ago a bird landed on the ledge outside my window. I put my chin on the inside ledge and we sat and stared at one another. A creature with a tiny brain living mostly on auto instinct.. looking at a bird.

pizza

David Bornholdt

January 19, 2013 near Fenton, MO

1:17AM. Just got home. Must be something in the air tonight. From an angry, laptop toting beggar/mad prophet slapping at my car each time I passed, to a lunatic ranting and raving for 2 hours on the phone from one hotel, to a guy at another hotel who gave me a $20 tip.. after answering the door in fishnet stockings, a leather teddy, black lipstick and heels. The loonies were out in force tonight. I felt like Sgt Shultz from Hogan's Heroes after most of my deliveries, closing my eyes and saying,"Nuthing! I see nuthing!!!"

pizza

10:49PM. Just got home. While waiting in line at Walmart during an errand for the store (and wearing my Domino's uniform) the stoned guy in front of me eyed the 6 XL bottles of hydrogen peroxide, Clorox Bleach, 4 boxes of Mr Clean sponges, trash bags, and rubber gloves. Then he asked me what kind of mess am I cleaning up(?). I looked him dead in the eye and whispered,"Lets just say there is Pizza Hut driver/competitor of mine who won't be delivering anymore. By the way, do you know a good place in the woods to bury a 20 gallon drum?"

pizza

12:22 AM. Just got home. The Holiday Inn Express in Fenton has an ornate curved staircase from the center lobby to the 2nd floor. After my delivery to 206, no one was around, so I slid down the banister into the lobby. Now I don't know the physics of mass x velocity but I do know I flew down that slick railing like Fred Flintsone off his dinosaur/crane when the whistle blew. I was going so fast I pretty much slammed into the front desk. Seems a hotel guest was walking in from the parking lot and witnessed my landing. To respond to his odd stare as I walked by him I said,"Hell of a lot faster than the elevator buddy."

my book

http://www.thebookpatch.com/BookStore/misadventures-of-the-pizza-guy/ae84a93d-003c-4f8b-ad5c-49e3853d3b4e#.UVOs7PjT6vI.facebook Misadventures of a pizza guy

traffic

Sitting in traffic on hwy 44 this morning, half awake, I was next to a livestock truck. I looked to my left and was 2 feet away from a sheep staring right at me. We both slightly nodded at each other. It was clear neither of us were looking forward to the day ahead.

north

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their baby North. His name is North West. I only hope he grows up to record a solo album called "NORTH" by North West.

bday

There should be a rule that on your birthday you have to buy your mother a card and a gift. Lets face it, on the day you are celebrating you took the ride but she did all the heavy lifting.

school dream

Last night I dreamed somehow I skipped a math credit so I had to go all the way back to highschool. I got so freaked out I woke up and went back to sleep and dreamed I was wrongfully convicted of murder and facing death. But atleast I wasn't back in school so it felt better.

road block

On my way home friday night I was pulled into a sobriety check point road block near Page and I-70. After I gave the officer my license and insurance I waived my hand and said,"These are not the droids you're looking for." Seems the force was with me because his response was "Move along."

retreat

This weekend my brother & I went on our first White House Retreat since Dad died. (It was an annual event with the 3 of us for decades) I thought it would be strange without him but as I was walking down a hall I heard someone humming/whistling behind me that sounded JUST like my father.(Its a silent retreat but Dad was never one for rules) I turned to see who it was but the hallway was empty. Glad you could join us Pop

beiber

Please God, let me live long enough to watch the Entertainment Tonight story on former teen star turned forgotten loser Justin Bieber that details his bankruptcy, jail time, & multiple rehab attempts, conducted in his shitty one bedroom north hollywood apartment that sits over a dry cleaner, and listen to him babble about the "good ol days" and how miserable he is now. After I see that, I'll die happy.

mitt

Last night I somehow managed to light my oven mitt on fire while trying to check on some muffins in the convection oven. It was kind of a Pillsbury Doughboy/Blackhawk Down scenario.

scruffy

When I was in my 20s and wouldn't shave for a few days the look (atleast in my head anyway) was rugged and handsome. But when I do the same thing in my mid 40s the stubble is heavily peppered with silver & gray which makes me look like an insane old scary drunk guy. I think I like it.

band

I'm going to start a pop-band made up of out of shape, balding, middle aged men and call ourselves Wrong Direction.

jaws

For the last 3 years the ringer on my phone is the theme to JAWS. Last night while watching JAWS 2 on TV I grabbed my phone thinking I was getting a call EVERY time that damn fish showed up on screen.

green

If I don't wear green on St. Patrick's Day I'm a "grouch", but when I dress like a tree on Arbor Day, I'm a "freak". Such hypocrisy.

dream

Had a dream I spoke to my late father on the phone. Just like when he was alive, he told me all about his day and what he ate. What did I take away from this? Apparently Heaven serves a REALLY good roast beef sandwich

talent

Sometimes while trying a new hobby we find a talent for something else. For example: When I tried transcendental meditation I discovered I was REALLY good at napping.

dress up

I wear suit pants w/ black suspenders, tie, and dark blue dress shirt and I'm business appropriate. I remove the tie and suddenly I'm Amish appropriate.

day off

Took the day off today. Much to do around the house. I planned on doing A,B,C,D, & E but decided on "F"-it and relaxed. #couldntbehappier

yolo

I just found out #YOLO means You Only Live Once. I always thought it was either a website or a frozen yogurt place. #themoreyouknow

garage sale

I'm going to write a screenplay about a pair of old women who go on spree of garage sale hold ups and call it "Bargain Hunters".

keys

All night I #dreamed I was searching for lost keys. Just as I remembered where they were my alarm went off. I was so mad I hit snooze so I could go back and grab them. I did. #score

shower

I tilted my head in the shower trying to shake the water out of my ear and managed to completely fill up the other one in the process. Now the world sounds like its coming through busted car stereo speakers.

Toxic Park

Went on a bike ride yesterday through Route 66 State Park. Hard to believe it used to be the toxic, dioxin covered ghost town of Times Beach. Except for that deer with 2 heads and the neon-glowing black snake, you'd never guess the place used to be a wasteland.

dork

I know I'm a dork. I've embraced it at this point. Accordingly, fashion is not a concern. However, the zipper on these cargo shorts keeps wanting to slide down on its own. Not cool. To sum up.. Dork: OK / Potential Sex Offender Watch List: N-O-T OK.