snowy riot

Officials report that today's scheduled civil unrest, rioting, looting, burning, and window breaking has been cancelled due to snow. These activities will be rescheduled for the convenience of the participating criminal element. The city apologies to the national media for the delay in their completely unbiased/ratings grabbing coverage of the crime wave.

new insurance

My new insurance quadrupled all my prescription deductibles to several hundred $ per month so I'll need some extra cash. Does anyone want to rent a room? Hire a drug mule? Know of the best corners to hold a sign and panhandle?

The plus side of poor sleep due to local news related anxiety/depression is an eventual numbness that will serve nicely as a shield while enduring a family Thanksgiving.

fun fact

In the movie GREASE, the song 'Look at Me, I'm Sandra Dee' (where Stockard Channing grinds next to an Elvis poster) was filmed on August 16, 1977... the same day Elvis Presley died.

Either this is sleet or it's the loudest snow I've ever heard

The only problem with the lava lamp on my desk is that it subconsciously keeps planting the old VH1 'Pop Up Video' theme song in my head.

Ahhhh, nothing like an office birthday food day to once again verify my complete lack of self-control and personal health care. Break room treats.. I am your bitch.

teaching

Instead of being a TA it looks like I'm going to be teaching the next 1-2 ACT101 classes at Meramec. Me teaching a college course inspires all the confidence of a Sniper Training course taught by Stevie Wonder.

I should be able to order a steak at Steak 'n Shake. ‪#‎baitandswitch

politics

I never engage in political debate because all parties believe THEY have the only credible sources. Its an unwinnable stalemate every time only resulting in tension and mutual distain. If I wanted that I'd go back to my ex wife.

danger zone

This morning I slept thru 3 alarms, pulled out in front of oncoming cars twice, and took a huge gulp of boiling hot tea. Somehow, my internal safety switch has flicked itself from Self-Preservation mode to the "Y'all Watch This" setting.

Friday Night TV

Dear Networks, Since a Friday night slot is a death sentence for any program placed there, why not just run dead shows? I'm talking a whole evening of full, original lines ups (commercials too) from 1977, 1969, 1983, 1995, etc. If no one is watching anyway.. who will notice? Thanks, Dave B

nothing makes me want to drink water or urinate more being told the water has been turned off for the next few hours.

Stars from the 80s were so much more down to earth. Everyone who met Madonna, Cher, Bono, and Prince, were immediately on a first name basis with them.

My umbrella keeps opening inside out, so whenever I go past a store window I hold it in front of me and run like I'm dragged by a hurricane wind.

vote

If you want a bigger turn out on ‪#‎ElectionDay‬ then turn the ballots into scratch off game pieces: 1 in 10 wins a free Pepsi; 1 in 50 wins double the vote; 1 in 500 wins a free Xbox; 1 in 2500 wins a free speeding ticket fix; and 1 in 10,000 wins a seat in the senate.

OCLLD

Obsessive Compulsive Leaf & Lawn Disorder (OCLLD): is an anxiety disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts about falling leaves that produce uneasiness, apprehension, fear or worry that more than 3 will land on their grass at a time and immediately kill it. As a result, they feel an irresistible need to stand in their yard and rake and dispose of each leaf as it falls rather than wait for them all to come down and dispose of them all at once like a normal person. The best way to help people suffering from this affliction is to hide their rake & leaf blower for their own good until all the trees are bare. In time.. they will thank you for it

Found a spot to dispose of the pile of soot from last night's bonfire. As it turns out, my pumpkin was a REAL ash-hole

So, when I turn the clocks back tonight, does that mean I get an automatic re-do on anything I did during that free hour the first time?

I broke the nose brace on my glasses so they sit crooked on my face. Now everything looks slightly sideways like a villain's lair on Batman.