2014

Dear 2014,
We had some good times, but you also brought me frustration, mistrust, landed me in the hospital, and drained my savings. You and my ex-wife would actually get along really well. Time for you to go.
Sincerely,
Big D

I love 20 degree weather. Of course, I work in a warm office. If I was a garbage collector, I might be singing a different tune

house stuff

Found out that my slowly sinking screen porch is being supported by my new roof. Eventually it will pull away from the house taking much of the roof with it. Estimated cost to repair is $3,300.00. Anyone have the number of a good arsonist?

It's time for the big screen version of BJ & the Bear.

Jawas

I'll bet the Jawas from Star Wars had the most wacky, cheaply made late night TV commercials on Tatooine to push their New Years Day Madness Sale every year. "No Credit? No Problem! Every Droid Must Go!!!"

days are getting longer again

The days are now getting longer. In no time at all the grass will be growing and the late sunset will remind me of all the outside work I should be doing. Lazy people and darkness: we go together like chocolate and peanut butter.

#‎SantaCyberLeak‬ 4: ‪#‎KeeblerElves‬ are former SC Elves who were banished from the NP for heinous crimes. The tree bakery is actually a halfway house.

stroy unfolding

Right now, unbeknownst to us, a real life event is taking place somewhere in the world that will someday be turned into it a historical film that we will watch and remember where we were at this point in our life.

‪#‎SantaCyberLeak‬ 3: Reindeer games include illegal cockfight gambling.

‪#‎SantaCyberLeak‬ 2: SC's Sleigh utilizes early nuclear stealth technology stolen by spies Julius and Ethel Rosenberg in 1949.

santa leak #1

Santa Cyber Leak #1: Hermey, North Pole's only Elf Dentist for 50+ years, is being accused of drugging and molesting several female elves while they were getting dental work in the 1980s. The statute of limitations have expired but both his reputation and practice are in serious trouble. He is looking to Santa for PR help.

Santa Hacked

NEWS FLASH: Santa's Workshop Latest Victim of North Korean Cyber Attack! Hackers demand Christmas cancelled or else internal documents will be leaked to social media. Pres/CEO S.Claus responded w/ the following quote, "They can stick their threats up their Ho Ho Ho's. Christmas will move forward as scheduled!" More to come..

Is it ironic that getting a bill for a hospital stay made me sick?

cheese on that?

Why does making a burger into a cheeseburger always raise the price a dollar? Way too high of a profit margin. Where are buying this "expensive" cheese? The airport??

Who do I talk to about preventing the umpteenth thousandth cover version of the song BABY ITS COLD OUTSIDE?

house stuff

I may have a new roof over my head but the house is cold because now the furnace is busted. Combine that w/ the bleeding walls & whispering voices at night and I'm starting to think it was a bad idea to save money by buying a house built on an indian burial ground.

roof

They installed my new roof yesterday. The house doesn't feel any different but I HAVE noticed my savings account has all sorts of new space in it and is considerably lighter.

Today is National Ugly Christmas Sweater Day. For some reason, the grand marshal of this event, Bill Cosby, could not be reached for comment.

Santa vs

Batman had Joker and Superman had Lex Luther.. Santa Claus needs an arch enemy. I propose: Silas Claus - Santa's long lost evil twin from the south pole who wears all gray, is surrounded by an army of angry penguins, hates kids, and foils Christmas by greasing the inside of chimneys and spikes Santa's reindeer food with curry powder and colon-blow laxative.

Does the 5 second rule still apply if food is dropped on floor of a public bathroom in a bus station in a bad part of town?

be careful..

I just ate lunch at a Mexican restaurant and, for the first time in my life, the waiter failed to warn me that the plate was hot. Clearly our society is less than a step away from total breakdown.

I'm pretty sure that the original recipe for sushi ended with deep frying but someone lost the 2nd page of the instructions.

I've been told I have a great face for radio.

Its bad that I almost fell asleep while riding my stationary bike last night. It's worse that I snapped awake because I was afraid I was going to run into something.

Rosemary Clooney

On the White Christmas DVD commentary track, the late Rosemary Clooney tells a story of how, when she was institutionalized with a nervous breakdown in 1968, Bing Crosby wrote her a long serious supportive letter while Bob Hope simply sent her a massive display of flowers w/ a note saying "Hope its a Boy".

In case of flooding, be advised the majority of the holiday decorations in your neighborhood can be used as a floatation device.

doctor order

My doctor tells me I need to lose weight. Thinking I could either diet and exercise like a responsible adult or I could get fitted with a Hannibal Lecter mask for a few months. Looks like I'm shopping online tonight.

I'm currently reading through a sample book of designer roof shingles. I'm enjoying the overall story but the writing is kind of rough.

If we hooked an auto-tuner onto Stephen Hawking's voice modulator, I'll bet he could record a nifty Christmas album.

I would be willing to watch ‪#‎PeterPanLive‬ on NBC tonight if Bill Murray was Peter.

old and older stuff

To my middle aged amigos: Remember when VCRs, cable TV, call waiting, cordless phones, microwaves, & answering machines were cool new technology? / To my younger amigos: I'm curious what items you grew up w/ as new that will be outdated and obsolete 30 years down the line.

Today is a black pants/white socks and I don't care kind of day.

Poinsettia: The place where they film dirty movies in Italy

parade jump

Just ONCE I'd like to see someone jump from a rooftop and land on top of one of the cartoon balloons and ride it the rest of the parade route. is that TOO much to ask Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade?????

Is it me or does all new Christmas music sound like a commercial for either the Gap or Old Navy? Give me 'John Denver and the Muppets: a Christmas Together' any day

food buzzz

I propose that every 6th random appetizer or dessert item brought in for office food days be wired with electric shock. Not only would this be an excellent cognitive behavioral therapy technique to minimize snacking but it would be fun as hell to watch.