Its strange to re-watch old coming of age movies from the 80s and now find myself siding with the square adults verses the protagonist teen heroes.

Did you ever leave for a trip and you just KNOW you forgot something but have no idea what it is? That's me every single time I walk in to H&R Block to do my taxes.

work space

As if I didn't have ENOUGH in my inbox already, when I arrived at my desk this morning someone littered my area with a shredded coloring book. Fine. Do I have to do EVERYTHING around here? (Heavy sigh) You'd better hold all my calls, cancel my appointments, and for God's sake someone get me a fresh box of crayons! I've got a lot of coloring to do here dammit

I bet it would not take much to get your average hardcore gamer addicted to the original version of PONG.

riiip

Last night I unknowingly closed the tail of my flannel shirt into the dishwasher. I then turned to walk away, snagging the shirt, yanking me back, and sending my steaming hot mug of tea careening out of my hand, across the room, to shatter on the floor. Yesterday was not my best day.

busted

Call off the dogs, cancel the dragnet, and open the roadblocks, because the cops have finally caught me, the dreaded "guy without a seatbelt" and given me a ticket. Joe Friday & Elliot Ness can stop spinning in their graves now that justice has been served

There is such a thick layer of salt on my car right now I'm not sure if I should wash it off, blast through it, or just paint over it.

wading back in

After being laid up w/ a bad knee for a few weeks I'm making my way back to exercise which is equivalent to patching a rusted, leaky, old canoe and shoving it directly into class 5 rapids with a broken paddle

Today is the first day of the rest of your week.

Where can I download some of that Oscar play off music to use when someone is talking to me and I want them to shut up?

FUN FACT: the odors from my stove self cleaning function are exactly like those from an original Chinese opium den

long way down

Dear Arch Grounds Renovator Team,
While you're at it, please remove the tram system from one side of the arch and replace it with a long spiral slide for an express ride down from the top. Oh, and you should probably stock some airsickness bags at the bottom just in case. You're Welcome. - Dave B






http://www.cityarchriver.org/

Is it too late to spread the false rumor in Hollywood that 70's style powder blue tuxedos w/ ruffled shirts are all the rage for this year's Academy Awards??

Dear Toys R Us

 I recommend a separate lounge in each store where adults can play with, I mean "test" any toy prior to purchase. Its all about protecting the kids. Your Welcome, Dave B

knee

Good news: Doc just told me my knee is arthritic but not torn so, while I'll spend the rest of my life bitching about how I know it's going to rain because my knee hurts, at least I don't need surgery.

Good red wine must be allowed to breathe after uncorking before serving. Unfortunately, despite CPR & bottle shocks, I have a tragic history of still-birthed merlot. DOP (Dead on Pour)

A: One REALLY bad day in Pompeii

 Q: What is Ash Wednesday?

(My actual incorrect 6th grade religion test answer)

Say what you will about the cold weather but it still beats back-sweat, long grass, mosquitos, and sun burn.

anger management

I'm going to open up a Group Conflict Resolution Therapy practice where I lock opposing parties in a room w/ 12 dozen raw eggs, a bushel of ripe tomatoes, and a case of Silly String and let them work it out.

Kindle Fire

I used to read a lot of books but the last few years I've spent those blocks of time on my Kindle Fire playing games and checking the net.
KINDLE: Teaching America the Joys of Retro-Illiteracy

If I had a pet porcupine I'd name him Prick and every year on his birthday I'd let him loose in a room full of various balloon animals just to keep his confidence up.

A: 50 Shades of Grey

 Q: How do we caption the group photo from the SNL 40th Anniversary show?

As I drove to work on this snowy morning I briefly considered tossing my banana peel out the window but I didn't want another car to slip on it.

feb 14

1,737 years ago St. Valentine was beheaded soon after writing a love letter to his jailer's daughter signed "Your Valentine". Thus began the tradition that Valentines Day will forever create headaches for men.

I just need..

If I had a shoebox, a roll of aluminum foil, a cheap desk lamp w/ an incandescent light bulb, an old school tin fast food ash tray, a 1/2 cup instant brownie mix and some water, I could be rocking an Easy Bake Oven MacGyver style right now.

If the Spice Girls have another reunion tour and they don't call it Old Spice they are missing out on a sweet smelling opportunity.

enclosed strangers

There is nothing like that awkward silence of a crowded elevator in a medical building. The common thought bubble above says, "Geez, what is wrong with all these people? Whatever it is don't stand too close."

I've spent my entire adult life with no need to reference the periodic table of elements... until now. F U Trivia Crack.

If Elvis would have lived he'd just be an 80 year old retired music legend quietly living out his deep fried golden years at his home in Memphis.

I say we combine Survivor, The Voice, Top Shot, and Dancing w/ the Stars for a new game show called: Sing and Dance... or Die.

Considering trading my car for a hovercraft so I can reduce my carbon footprint since it doesn't touch the ground.

I looked into the mirror hoping to see Clark Gable and Larry Fine stared back at me. Time for a hair cut.

looking back

Last night I dreamed I invented X-Ray/Time Travel View Master Glasses. You focus them on any building or landscape, press a button, and see what stood in that spot either 20, 200, or 2000 years prior. Should be a big hit with the History Chanel crowd I think.

My bad knee is acting up so its back to walking like Fred Sanford until I can fix it.

Today is 67 degrees. Tomorrow's forecast is a high of 39. It's the weather equivalent of being dropped down an elevator shaft.

trivia crack

I've recently discovered Trivia Crack and my lackluster performance has confirmed that I was lucky to have earned my bachelor's degree and was smart to not pursue my masters.

vm

No matter how hard I try I'm incapable of leaving a short voicemail message. Despite my best intention to be brief, I tend to ramble on until the beep. The invention of text and email greatly reduced the aggravation of everyone I have ever done business with.

How I long for the long bygone days when a bowl of Trix at breakfast, PBJ at lunch, pizza for dinner and ice cream for dessert meant I was eating well.

This snow looks suspiciously like rain. This snow is incognito.

When wild horses are captured, sold, and named, do the horses refer to that as their slave name?

Mr. McGee,don't make me angry.

During lunch I took a stroll down Watson Rd. With my head down into the wind and the traffic whizzing by, I started to hear somber piano music play. That's when I realized that all I needed was a plaid shirt, brown duffle bag, & cowboy boots and I'd be a chubby David Banner at the end of every Incredible Hulk episode.

I wonder if Heaven offers bus tours of hell, purgatory, limbo, or the factory where souls are recycled for reincarnation?

new show

Dear Game Show Network or Showtime,
Please create a late night game show called The Price Is Right: AFTER DARK using hookers, drugs, and booze as the items up for bids. Ken Jeong is available to host.
You're Welcome,
Dave B

stupid rodent

After being awake w/ heartburn all night I'm tired and cranky. So fair warning:If today is going to be a repeating groundhog day, Punxsutawney Phil is going to be ground into chili by dinner.

Tonight please remember that it's not about who wins the Super Bowl. It's about how funny the commercials are.