get rich quick idea

I'm going to buy a truck that has a compactor, shredder, wood chipper, & flame thrower on the trailer so I can provide a celebratory service for the wealthy & recently divorced who won prized items from their ex they want to gleefully destroy. (Open bar optional for additional fee.)

Getting my picture taken for some company awards today. So, of course, my electric razor died halfway across my face this morning.

on this day in history

On this day in 1981, my bipolar, sadistic, Joan Crawford/Mommy Dearest styled 5th grade teacher, Trudy Palma, actually broke her sith lord character just long enough to inform us that someone just tried to shoot President Reagan.

what you want!!

I always assumed (incorrectly) that Aretha Franklin was asking for R E S P E C T but take out P C T. So if I ever met her I promised myself I would show her nothing but the proper RESE.

winning

Headed to a child's birthday party this afternoon and a trivia night this evening. Hoping to win atleast ONE of the games ahead. (I'm thinking pin the tail on the donkey. I ROCK at that)

The Passion tells how strangers cast lots for Jesus' clothes. some idiot is going to claim they found them and sell them on E-Bay

I want to travel when I retire so I'm going to build a houseboat on top of a glacier in Greenland.

In 1948 my Dad was a typewriter repairman (which is how he met my Mom while she working at Union Electric) so I'm thinking he was kind of a Truman era IT guy.

If your name is Elvira, how long did it take for you to get tired of hearing "GIDDYUP OOM PAPPA OOM PAPPA MOW MOW" every time you met someone?

As a member of the honorable order of Kentucky Colonels I fully expect to be saluted every time I walk into a KFC.

We have spray cheese. Why not spray meat?

The Almighty tells me he can get me out of this mess, but he's pretty sure you're f*@ked. - Braveheart

Forget waterboarding, if the CIA really wants to torture prisoners, force them to negotiate with and navigate through healthcare insurance.

Despite my "non slip" shoes I slipped on a puddle in my garage this morning. Who's got 2 thumbs and can almost do the splits? THIS guy

Since so many British actors are cast in American TV roles I like to think that the BBC is entirely staffed by community theatre actors from Minnesota.

funky breakfast

Had some Denny's pancakes that had onion & pepper flavor due to overflowing griddle grease. It was a taste surprise, like unlocking your front door & stepping inside only to realize it's not your house.

Spring Cleaning

sweeping(raking), vacuuming(blowing), mopping(power washing) all the dirt, grass, and leaves tracked in through the dog doors during the winter. I forgot there was actually some nice wood floors beneath all that earth.

I'm trying to sell hospitals on building human sized vacuum tube delivery service to each patients room but they said my idea sucked

1rst day of spring. If you listen hard enough outside, you can hear the mosquitos getting their last pregame pep talk from their coach.

There should be more action hero movies featuring rodeo clowns.

I wonder if lions think of sea lions as weird, euro-trash third cousins.

Why do we call people from Indiana "Hoosiers" when makes more sense to just call them "Indians"?

If my time table calculations are correct, the aliens from Close Encounters of the Third Kind are due to return an un-aged Richard Dreyfuss any day now.

irish drunks love munchies

Today is the only day of the year where green food is fashionable. Considering the moldy lunch meat and bread in my fridge, I could have made some decent coin selling sack lunches down at the parade.

Leprechauns are like the mafia of the mythical world: They're angry, carry a weapon, just out of reach of capture, and acquired a pot of gold with no taxable income.

It's one of those days I'd like to play hooky, drive to the country, and do Dukes of Hazard stunts.

Regardless of their party, be advised that my vote is up for sale to any politician who pushes for making SPRING BREAK an annual national holiday week.

Wisdoms of Age

Remember that person you crushed on so hard when you were young? The one who reminded you of songs, you thought about 24/7, and wondered why they tortured you so much? Odds are that person had ZERO idea about your feelings. And looking back at your creepy obsessional behavior... aren't you glad?

- And now lets go to Dave for a check of the weather.

 - Juuust rainy and gloomy enough to make me not give a shit. Back to you Bob.

Fun Facts: In CB Radio vernacular, "Bed Bug" means Moving Company Van while "Tree in the Road" means there is a Tree in the Road.

It's a nice day so I open my sunroof at lunch. Lady in SUV decides to wash her windshield, spraying water directly into my open roof. Spring is overrated

50 Shades of Gray makes Showgirls look like Hamlet.

I love driving through heavy fog in the morning because it makes me feel like I work on Fantasy Island.

If I worked for Google tech support I'd send a virus to all my enemies' that makes Charlie Brown's teacher their MAPS voice.

glowing up right

This summer, try cutting open some glow sticks & pour them into your kids juicebox so they glow when they play in the yard at night. Not only will you keep tabs on them but the light show will go great with after dinner drinks.

Dear Healthy Springtime Joggers: Quit Showing Off. Thanks.

And Monday Morning Auto Pilot.. Engaged.

Thank you Wal-Mart shoppers who leave your carts in the middle of the parking lot, for reminding me you are lower on the karmic chain than me.

getting off the trend train

In the 90s Jeff Foxworthy had a funny bit about how people reach an age in life where they just stop when it comes to trends, technology, and fashion. Now every time I burn a CD, watch a DVD, or look at my watch I realize I've gone from laugher to laughee.

I bought 2 pairs of shoes tonight and got a really good deal because they are all left feet.

Rather than mess with setting all my clocks ahead an hour I'm just going to buy a flux capacitor

Ever feel tempted to post something very warm and inspirational on FB, wait for friends to click LIKE, and then edit it into something inappropriate?

I'm thinking of building an entire house out of Lego pieces so I can a tax write off for using recyclable materials.

Ever notice that Elmer Fudd and Sherlock Holmes wear the same hat?

dream

Had a dream I did something that merited a photo op w/ President in the oval office, and I mocked him for having a Magic 8 Ball on his desk. The secret service was not amused. Turned out it belonged to Biden anyway.

Hostage/prisoner exchanges would be much less stressful if all parties would agree to make it a spirited game of Red Rover.

I'm going to create and market aquarium sized souvenir snow globes so fish can finally take some well earned winter vacations.

health ain't cheap

Finally got my bill for my November hospital stay. I'd feel much better about writing this huge check if it came w/ a 40% off my next surgery coupon or at least a membership punch card towards a free ER visit.

With the overwhelming volume of cookies being distributed across the nation right now, shouldn't we be referring to the Girl Scouts as a cartel?

paper cuts and hand sanitizer, if marketed properly, could put caffeine out of business.

So I'm standing in my family room and a 2 foot strip of original decorative trim decides to just fall off the wall. Concerned that was the first fall of a house of cards.