her: You remind me of a bear.me: (thinking powerful, primitive grizzly) Thanks! her: You remember Baloo from The Jungle Book cartoon?

My 96 Camry is slow starting so I dropped it at Firestone this morning for testing. Is it a bad sign if the mechanic asked me if the car has a living will?

Waiter: (Puts down plates)If you need anything else, just let me know. Otherwise, I'll be back. Schwarzenegger: fuck off.

Lately I keep forgetting words or find them just past the tip of my tongue. My most embarrassing memories however, remain crystal clear.

squirrel dodge

Most times squirrels are just scrambling to get out of the road but this morning I swear that little bastard was staring me down in a game of chicken. (My apologies to the people who's mailbox got destroyed as a result)

I know its time to cut the grass again because I can hear it whispering to me, "You want some?! Come git some bitch!" My yard is kind of a dick actually.

My chances of having an alert, productive morning are the same as Donald Trump not getting spit in his Mexican food.

orange cheetos puffs residue should have a residual purpose after covering my fingertips and clothing like making my shirt reflective for nighttime walks

Somewhere, there is a law firm by the name of Lather, Rinse, and Repeat.

I'm going to build an ice cream truck w/ a soft serve machine on the side & sell as much as you can pour into your mouth for a dollar & call it the "Buck Brain Freeze"

Dick Van Patten,the Dad from Eight is Enough,has died. If you want a snack as you digest this, there's a plate of homemade wishes on the kitchen window sill.

Still sleepy but the little prick at my 9am blood test will most likely perk me up.

Yesterday was the summer solstice and thus the longest day of the year so from here on out the days get shorter. (Vampire High Five!)

Going to be a hot, muggy day today so I'm triggering the sprinkler system in my office later to give everyone a refreshing surprise. I'm a giver.

I'm working on a new men's room feature where a dollar must be deposited to use the urinal and is returned only after hands have been washed.

If I Bless myself when I sneeze I wonder if its my multiple personalities interacting?

wet

At lunch I was at a stoplight mid w/ a downpour on top,a landscape sprinkler spraying on my left, a rush of draining water beneath, and a huge splash from a truck on the right. I stayed dry but I think my car got an enema.

Where were you in 62?

They should remake American Graffiti using the same script with the original (now senior) actors driving around in smart cars on their way to doctor appointments, early bird dinner specials, and Walgreens during the course of Thursday afternoon.

My joints creak so much when I sit down lately people think I'm stepping on bubble wrap.

Isle-thing

Here's my pitch: through creative editing we make the island from LOST, Gilligan's island, and the island from Castaway all within a nautical mile of each other, add some canoes and mix one hell of a crossover special.

it's raining again

Every time it rains I have to sweep an inch and half of water out of my garage. After looking at the precipitation forecast for the coming week I think I'm just going to stock it with koi and call it a pond.

There's nothing like a back ache to make every possible activity something to bitch about

In my brain I still keep thinking I'm Rocky even though every glance in the mirror reminds me that I'm actually Paulie.

The Beatles song "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away" was originally written about a man convicted of indecent exposure.

Whenever I pass a military convoy on the highway I feel like I'm in the movie Red Dawn. WOLVERINES!!!!!!!!

In the late 70s I sent a letter to NBC suggesting they schedule the shows FISH and CHiPs next to each other with a Red Lobster sponsorship tie in.

TG4AC

Dear Willis Carrier (Inventor of Air Conditioning),
Even though I am a lifelong Catholic, I am giving serious thought to building a shrine to worship you and your wonderful invention.
On behalf of heat-hating people everywhere.. we thank you.
Sincerely Yours, - Dave B

OK "Summer People", you know how everyone who comes inside after driving on a hot day smells like a microwaved armpit? Yeah, that never happens in January.

I don't know where my dental hygienist learned her trade but I'm betting it was through the CIA's interrogation division.

black cloud

My back is already hurting me today and on the way into work I tripped on a rug which turned my ankle. But the good news is I've got a dentist appointment later this morning so I'll be able to divert the pain.

I suppose if you HAD to be in a building that was swept away in a wind storm a bouncy castle would be the best choice. It's an airbag that's all ready deployed.

Can you imagine how much Jimmy Buffett HATES wearing Hawaiian shirts and cargo shorts at this point?

I'm assuming the marshmallow was invented via some sort of weird industrial accident and first consumed after a double dog dare.

on my own

When I was five I scratched the top of my Mom's prized stereo counsel and, fearing for my life, decided to run away from home. To ensure my survival I stuffed my book bag with a bath toy, pajamas, teddy bear, and a hat and headed off to make my way in the world.

If movie plots and timelines were reality then little Forest Gump Jr should be inheriting a butload of money about now.

I just stumbled on a shoe in my bedroom and I swear I heard my gaurdian angel call me an asshole.

Beetle Bailey has been an Army Private for 65 frigging years. How long of a hitch did this poor bastard sign up for?

I'm damn lucky my days of exams and tests are behind me because last night a clerk asked me for my zip code and my mind went blank

When in doubt.. Reboot. (Note: This is NO longer allowed to be applied to movie franchises)

sleepy slip

Stepped in some puddled rainwater in my garage and slid from my rear bumper to my door. Luckily my still sleeping brain barely acknowledged this express trip until my throbbing knee reminded it about 20 min later.

I've absorbed enough aggravations to meet my full day quota and it's only 9:11AM. This is not a good sign.

Does Caitlyn Jenner get a new birth certificate? How else can she renew her driver's license? Speaking of which, I wonder if she drives a hybrid?

New postage is 48.5 cents so I'm headed to the post office to buy one stamp with 49 cents and wait for my change.

Dear Google Maps

Time to step up your game and draw me a diagram of every parking lot I enter, show me the empty spots, the fastest way there, and put a jam on anyone else's scanner competing against me in the lot. Thanks, Dave B