Tonight is a Blue Moon. Which means, of course, that during the night the light makes all Smurfs appear Caucasian. Very exciting.

fluffy whipped choclate heros

I'm thinking the great great grandchildren of Alexandre Dumas should be getting some financial kickback from Mars for making the world think of a candy bar when they hear Three Musketeers.

After sweeping all the dirt/pollen from my screen porch last night I took a shower, brushed my teeth, then sneezed out a cloud of dust.

They say there are 2 kinds of people: Elvis People or Beatles People. But no one wants to talk about my kind, the "Weird Al" Yankovic People.

Traffic was surprisingly lite this morning. Thinking either it's Saturday and I forgot or the zombie apocalypse has begun.

I saw a dead fish in the street today. Either it was dropped by a bird, animal, or human or we owe this fish a major round of applause for an major evolutionary crawl.

Hiccups, Hot Tea, White Shirt: This is not going to end well for me.

This is not regular hot. This is Dave Only Goes Outside in His Air-Conditioned Plastic Bubble hot

I never knew I had such lightening fast martial arts moves until I walked through a spider web yesterday.

first pitch (7)

At yesterday's Cardinal's game they threw out no fewer than 7 First pitches. Now I admit I'm no good at math but either someone in baseball needs to buy a calculator or they need to rename those next 6 pitches.

The humidity is so thick out there today that I think I could hang wet laundry in the air without using a line.

There is no steeper climb than the one that goes from 2:45pm to 5pm on Friday.

I know I'm getting older when I look back on my evening and check off doing 3 loads of laundry under the header of Workout.

stalled

You know those days when you pull and pull on the mower but it's flooded and won't start but deep down you are glad because you hate mowing grass anyway even though it needs to be done? That's me at my desk everyday after lunch.

Since the statute of limitations has finally expired I can finally admit that I was one who actually shot JR Ewing.

I'm a dork and I'm OK with that. Then I see a 370lb woman in a moo moo on a Honda Scooter and realize there is still so far yet to fall.

crusty

Dear Crusty Stuff on the lip of my office mug: I realize that you are residue left from yesterday's use but my brain immediately jumps to the conclusion that last night a malicious janitor with leprosy decided to slurp his swill from my cup.

Some days are diamonds, some days are stones. Today is horse shit.

46 yrs ago today Neil Armstrong was the 1rst man to walk on the moon & also the day I was first brought home from the hospital:strange exploration day for us both

P-Diddy is sort of/kind/(not really) in the music business, so why didn't he name his first child Little Diddy?

Fun Fact: Summer heat directly affects my vision in that the hotter it gets the less I see that my grass is growing.

Buy your Mom flowers and a card on your B-Day. Lets face it, she did the all the heavy lifting that day. All you did was take the ride and show up.

the paper

The other day I was reading a newspaper. It's been so long since I've picked one up it felt like I was doing something retro. I half expected to find an article about President Reagan trash talking the Soviet Union and the latest sale prices on VCRs, cassette players, and cabbage patch kids.

I'm not going to Great Clips anymore because every time I get a haircut they make my hairline recede a tiny bit and keep adding more gray.

Dealing with the paranoid, aggressive side of dementia in an elderly parent is much harder to deal with emotionally than I thought.

96 degrees, heat index of 106, 49% humidity: welcome to St. Louis' own impression of the molten center of the earth. Enjoy!

Due to construction on 44 what is usually 5 min turned into 30. Going to be this way until labor day. Looks like its time to pull the old jet pack out of storage.

If President's Day is a legitimate for a mattress sale then why isn't Shark Week?

money owed

When I was 15 In 1985 I scooped ice cream and made deli sandwiches for $3.35 an hour at a little shop called SCOOPS but the owner locked the doors one night and left town without warning. FYI: John Vance you still owe me $85 + 30 years interest.

Please please please please do NOT let today end up being my repeating groundhog day.

Ruling:I did not sleep well so I am hereby not to be held liable for any incorrect acts,utterances,or deeds until such time that proper rest has been attained.Approved

McGruff

McGruff the crime dog told us to "take a bite of crime" in the 80s but his career took a nosedive in March of 89 when the bloodhound was caught sniffing a cocaine trail in the police evidence room.

There are two wolves inside us who are always fighting. One is darkness & despair. The other is light & hope. Which wolf wins? The one you feed.

I have to go to the DMV today, which I'm sure is some sort of karmic punishment for evil deeds in a previous life.

reality famous

We get annoyed by people who are famous just for being famous but in the early 1900s, before movie stars, the wealthy were the celebrities. It's a cyclical pattern of misplaced importance and attention. Kind of like FaceBook

The good idea was turning my old blender into an aquarium but the bad idea was leaving it plugged in.

6:20AM and the city was already hazy, humid, and hot. 79 days to fall and counting.

dammit

Came into the office to get some work done but there is no toner in the copier (leaving me dead in the water) which means the coming workweek just shifted from productive to greek tragedy.

4rth

Last night between 9:15-9:45 in each respective time zone, the majority of the population of this country were outside sitting in lawn chairs watching stuff blow up. This is why mosquitos celebrate 7/4 as their Thanksgiving.

4rth

As we wait for fireworks to begin I think back to all my years delivering dominoes on the fourth. Driving thru a haze of sulfer induced fog with my car being pelted by bottle rockets and roman candles shot by kids running into the street. All I can say is.. tip big. You got a pizza. Your driver got PTS.

4rth

Went to 5 stands and still can't find "The OZ" (the firework that shoots, explodes, and then spells out SURRENDER DOROTHY in green smoke.) I thought I had it at the last one but all it did was fill the air with parachuting monkeys.

old news

I just paid $30.00 to have my doctor tell me I essentially look like hell and need to take better care or myself when I've got co-workers, family, and friends who are MORE than happy to remind me of that for free.

Only 3 years ago you people were all dancing gangnam style.. and you'll have to live with that for the rest of your life.

I'm applying for a loan to open a shore-side stand selling paddles at the halfway point of Shit Creek.

I'm concerned that the people at Build-a-Bear are trying to play god

@ 4am I had a leg cramp so I got up & paced the hallway like I was on guard duty .The dog watched me &thanked me for my service as I went back to bed.