The Mafia took a barren wasteland & built Las Vegas. Just sayin the moon is available, free, and non regulated. Forgetaboutit!

I almost hit a Ford Taurus when I was dodging some bushes dropped in the road.But in my defense, I couldn't see the Taurus for the trees.

OK ancient frozen bagel that's been hiding in the back of the freezer for over a year.. todays the day. Dead bread walking.

If The Fonz fixed my car just by bumping the hood w/ his fist, would I be billed for labor costs?

Tactical Error:Forgot to drag my trash can containing chicken bones to the curb meaning my garage will smell like I'm hiding a corpse

When you use a keyboard all day, having a band aid on the tip of your finger is equivalent to walking a mail route on a sprained ankle.

If I order a female escort and they send me a little person would I get a 50% discount?

I'm confident that test tubes of the Ebola virus are transported with less care than the dog urine sample I dropped off at the vet this morning.

Started out the day feeling like Gosling in a tux. A short 7 hours later and I'm the Nolte mug shot.

15 min late, emails are angry/exploding issues, internet out which slows me further, & I almost choked to death on a bagel in the break room. Yep: average day.

Dear Walking Dead Writers,

Time to cough up some copyright $ and have an episode at a deserted McDonalds. I want to see a McZombie fry cook. (Might not look that different come to think of it.) Thanks, Dave B

Got stuck behind a pool cleaner truck this morning with w/ long nets & brooms dripping chlorine on my hood:I smell like I took a swim on the way to work.

38 yrs ago ELVIS PRESLEY had a hunka hunka burnin' heart attack in the john bound for that great big ol jungle room in the sky. Elvis... had left the building.

I'm gonna go old school Indian and download a ringtone that sounds like smoke signals

I'm just gonna say it:The Cannonball Run is a great movie & I don't care who knows it. Feels good to finally let that out. Been carrying that inside since 81

I have no photos of children to commemorate the first day back to school but I can vouch for the additional traffic it created.

nothing like heartburn/food coma, after lunch, on a Friday, to make being anywhere other than work go from a nice idea to an all encompassing vital mission.

Had I known the medication would be so expensive I never would agreed to this whole diabetic thing.

conjunction junction me again

Dear Schoolhouse Rock: We, the children of the 70s&80s, wish to continue our weekend education with you. We therefore ask you to make new features explaining and/or celebrating some of the highs and lows or our current culture. We want musical cartoons about: Caitlyn Jenner, Gay Marriage, mass shootings, internet porn, and hash tags. I'll be waiting next Saturday morning with my sugary bowl of cereal with baited breath. Thanks, Dave B