Today is a leap day, which happens once every 4 years, just like me getting to work on time.

There is no substitute for hard work(unless you can find someone who'll do it for you cheap)

Flu bug shooting thru my office. Like a slasher pic,they all go down 1 by 1. Who will survive? Only weapons? Purell baths & isolation.

Now a full week into Gidget's bonus rally time. I knew the old mutt is a mix of breeds but she has the heart of a lion.

Having tree branch snow plop onto my head feels a little like the Big G is bored and just in the mood to f w/ me.

I've never seen this much snow fall when it's this warm outside. It's like a microwavable winter storm.

Doing Mad Libs as a Smurf is not very challenging

I'm giving my dog her pain pill, she shakes her head NO& spits the pill into my face, sticking to my cheek. For a female,that dog has balls

I propose we set a weekly maximum amount of times each person is allowed to express outrage or entitlement. Once your limit is met, you have to shut the hell up.

Mondays make me feel like a 4rth grader playing dodge ball against a team of pissed off 8th graders.

I told someone I was having a nice day. Bad move. Afternoon is not looking good. ‪#‎BlackCloudAwakens

Whenever someone walks in on me grabbing munchies during an office food day I panic a little like a roach scattering when the light comes on.

when I feeli noble my inner voice is Morgan Freeman,when I'm active it's Waylon Jennings,on brain dead afternoons like this its Steven Wright

found a bottle of salad dressing at my Mom's that expired 4/9/02. I'm sure its fine, provided you're OK w/ brownish-gray colored ranch on your salad

If you're a professional chimney sweep, every wednesday is Ash Wednesday.

for what I paid in medical bills last year I could have built,burned, &rebuilt a gazeebo.Luckily my neighbors was available for free.

Vote Puppy Monkey Baby for President. Makes about as much sense as the alternatives.

Today is one of those days where my roller coaster lap bar didn't lock as the train pulled away. Gonna be one hell of a ride.

On this date in 1938 Disney released Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs turning witchcraft,murder,blood diamonds,&necrophilia into family entertainment.

Thanks to a ladle mishap at lunch I'll be wearing a bewitching new scent called Healthy Choice Chicken Tortilla Soup for the remainder of the day.

Good News:I replaced the rubber stopper in the toilet.Bad News: my watch band broke dropping my Timex down the drain hole. Shit.

My clothes are just a little too warm for the weather so I have to spend the day feeling like a microwaved burrito.

Sunset Boulevard: I used to be be Joe Gillis. I've now aged into Max.

OK rain! (hand clap) Lets pick up the pace here! Chop Chop! My car is not gonna wash it self!

Getting tax stuff together is like cramming for a final exam that I skipped 1/3 of the classes for. No matter what, there will be something I don't know come test time.

I recorded Grease and won't watch it until Thursday so please no spoilers on how the story ends.