For Sale:1971 4x4 SUV hybrid,VERY low mileage,satellite radio,covertible,original parts,parked in remote spot for 45 yrs (buyer must pick up),Great deal! $5,900.00

a ball cap makes an acceptable umbrella during a spring storm. Winter wet causes problems. Summer wet causes cooling. Wetting yourself is generally frowned upon in any season.

3 1/2 hours to go before the start of a 3 day weekend and I leave my flux capacitor at home. Looks like I'll have to tough this out in real time. Dammit.

As a kid I begged Dad to go camping over Memorial Day Weekend. Now if you find me laying in the woods for 3 days, a planecrash is nearby

I've already dropped a knife,some mustard covered roastbeef,a file folder,my keys,an insulin needle, & any doubts that my black cloud is not F-ing w/ me today.

On this date in 1977 a movie called Star Wars was released. It sadly flopped and was quickly forgotten.

Just once I wish a bug would bite me in a spot that was actually reachable for scratching.

Some days I dive right into the 2nd half of my work day. Others.. not so much

Watched the movie Everest (based on the true story) last night and discovered further justification for me to never climb anything higher than a barstool.

I moved the broken stationary bike into the garage and drug in the elliptical from the same spot to replace it. That's enough exercise for the day.

You know its going to be a bad day at work when yesterday's colonoscopy is the happier memory.

In order to prep for my medical procedure tomorrow I'm restricted to a clear liquid diet today. Vodka, Gin, and Everclear it is then.

Dreamed last night about an annoying superhero sidekick who'se only powers are making a really tasty low fat latte and pulling staples out of paper with her mind.

coming back into work after lunch on Monday always feels like this..

I'm starting the week off right by sabotaging my office phone.

There won't be much money when I go but my heirs WILL inherit my wicked high FICO credit score. No thanks necessary.

People who grow long hair & cut it off for cancer wigs are heros, but I let my grass grow to a foot to be be cut for starving goats & I'm a bad neighbor.

I'd be victim #2 in a slasher flick:the idiot making innapropriate comments who gets killed because he decides to go make a sandwich

If management won't even consider afternoon binge watch sessions of The Gong Show then why put up the suggestion box in the first place?

Just found out how much colonoscopy/endoscopy is going to cost me after insurance. Seems I'm being violated the same way to physically and financially.

I walked into the office in light rain with an unopened umbrella just so I wouldn't have to deal w/ drying it: Forward thinking laziness in action.

Once again Maria, the hills were not "alive" with the sounds of music. That was just the LSD talking to you.

The Bible says never let your left hand know what your right hand is doing. Maybe that explains why my right arm always seems to need more deoderant.

Doc just told me I'm going to have my first colonoscopy. (Well, not really my first. There was that time I got abducted by aliens but I don't like to talk about that.)

Work: Come for the paycheck, but stay for the occasional free donut.

Pssst! Yo man. I got the black market GS Cookies. You need a fix? I'm your boy.First cookie is free and don't worry. . I no longer sell near schools.

Such hypocrisy. I'm required to wear green on St. Patricks Day but when I show up in a sombrero & pancho today Donald Trump has me deported.

Headed to doc for more bloodwork. Found that opening w/,"I was told to come up to the lab.. to see what's on the slab." gets a blank stare.

20 millionth Graceland ticket prize pack: bottle of E's favorite prescription, PB&banana sandwhich, bottle of black hair dye, sequined jumpsuit w/ cape, & a free karate lesson

I'd like to open up an army surplus vehicle sales lot just so I can call it "Tanks A Lot"

Its going to be one of those weeks that take a month to get through.