hell

Devil: Welcome to hell Mr. Bornholdt. Your job will be mowing and trimming all the grass. The good news is, it only needs to be cut in the hot humid month of August.
Me: I guess I can deal with that.
Devil: Did I mention it's August all year long down here?
Me: shit.

its hard to keep going in this exhausting,frightening, & increasingly dangerous world until someone puts donuts in the breakroom and life is good for awhile.

The car next to me had 4 old ladies puffing on cigs w/ 1 back window cracked to ventilate. Looked like a cinematic cross between Cocoon and Cheech & Chong.

Danny Glover was 7 years younger than me now when he first uttered "I'm getting too old for this shit" in Lethal Weapon

cough subsided as my eyes became itchy/watery yesterday which turned into a runny nose today. my body is consistent: there never isn't something wrong

Had to drive to work w/ a speck in my eye so it was mostly closed. No wonder Ray Charles got so many speeding tickets.

spiders keep repelling down from my bathroom fan:Either these are scouts for an invading army in my attic or this is a popular spot for spider bungee jumping.

Cost of Living in St. Louis: 96 degrees. 50% Humidity. Heat Index: 109 Degrees. (weather related headache: Free w/ purchase)

I refuse to discuss what I saw on TV last night because I'm afraid if I say his name 3 times he'll show up like Beetlejuice.

"Not so fast El Guapo! Or I'll pump you so full of lead you'll be using your dick for a pencil!" - Steve Martin/Three Amigos

I'm convinced The Hokey Pokey is an ancient tribal dance to appease the sun god. The more it fades away, the faster we globally warm. THAT'S what its all about.

fire and rain

Do I close my car windows to keep out the storm or leave them cracked so it doesn't heat up to where I burst into flames when I get in? To paraphrase baby James: I'll see fire or I'll see rain. I'm seeing a summer that I fear will never end. I see a heat index that makes solid steel bend. But in 63 days I'll finally see fall again.

In a paintball match of aggressive garage saling/casino going old ladies vs a SWAT team, I'll put $50 on the golden girls

St. Louis: 92 degrees & muggy. Heat Index: 102 degrees. Weather related crabbiness: 100%

I wouldn't be on the sex offender list if the damn spice girl had been more specific when she said I had to be w/ her friends first.

OK chinese buffets, lets just call you what you are: 9 different versions of chicken, 2 kinds of rice, and a sloppy spatchella full of warm tapioca

When you are busy time is supposed to go faster yet this this week continues to stretch out like a massive glob of liver, tuna, & axle grease flavored taffy.

new use for old shirt

I'm thinking of digging out my decades old Best Buy shirt and name tag just so I can hang around the store and give incorrect electronics advice. "Sony is about to release their new hexigone shaped TV line that come with digital scratch & sniff technology and it's gonna be a game changer."

kill joys

I passed by a park that had a banner advertising a Back to School Picnic in August. If I was a kid I'd be so pissed off having to be reminded of that everytime I wanted to hit the swings. Way to harsh my summer vaca buzz you jerks!

black cloud

Today I had a coughing fit while drinking some ice water which caused me to spit out a piece of ice, which bounced off the refrigerator door, ricocheted back at my head, then landed under-frigging-neath my glasses, & poked me in the eye. ‪#‎HarlemGlobetrottersBlackCloudTrickShot‬

The country is entirely too intense right now. Lets everyone just chill out for a bit. Relax. Have a pudding cup.

I spent the night up with indigestion & acid reflux. Then again, my menu yesterday was supplied by BK & Pappa John's. Buy the ticket.. take the ride.

The country is entirely too intense right now. Lets everyone just chill out for a bit. Relax. Have a pudding cup.

I like to 2nd random motions that have nothing to do with the meeting.

Its only 10:13 and I'm already out of steam. This is not good. Kind of like stopping to tie your shoe while crossing a busy highway.

For sanitary purposes I hope the casting couch atleast gets Scotchgarded every year or so.

I did not sleep well last night so even though I'm at work technically my brain is still on vacation.

I heard a noise that turned out to be my yard slurping up the rain water. What really freaked me out is when it belched & demanded more.

Things I learned at the doctor's office today: 1) My cough is not pneumonia. 2) TheTongue Depressors are apparently not for building log cabins.