The only forward momentum I can achieve in the 2nd half of my work day would have to involve falling out of my chair.

Tossed & turned so much last night I wrapped myself in the sheet like a burrito, got up to pee & struggled like I was in a straightjacket. #BlackCloudToga

You ever been so busy that you blindly reach for a pen but grab a yellow highlighter and rather than put it back just make your note in ghostwriting?#MaybeItsMe

Did you ever notice that suicide bombing trend and the "what would you do for a Klondike bar?" ad campaign started around the same time?

Although I'm deeply grateful for each additional day I can spend with her,she is a faint echo of who she was. Sometimes I miss "my Mom". #DementiaSucks

The bananas I bought for this week are already starting to brown. By Thursday they are going to look like extras on The Walking Dead.

I don't care if I trip if it brings me closer to a FALL. #25DaysToFall #HumidityIsEvil #PumpkinAnythingIsBetterThanIceCubesInEverything

Just drove thru a lightening storm to the song Bohemian Rhapsody. As soon as the song ended so did the storm. #BlackCloudDidMeASolid

dreamed I was alone at the office & forced to defend the place against 2 burglars Home Alone stye.Thanks John Hughes for teaching me to torture/maim w/ panache

Here's a toast to all the old friends who are no longer around but not forgotten. #NationalDogDay

I fell asleep watching an 80s brat pack movie and woke an hour later w/ heart burn and acid reflux. I could feel St. Elmos Fire burning in me.

It only took a few days of mild weather for today's blast of heat & humidity to sneak up and attack me from behind like a prowrestler with a steel folding chair.

The weather app on my phone disappeared a few weeks ago so when someone asks me what the weather is I look at my phone and say there isn't any.

eye doc says I have myasthenia gravis, which means I'll need to take a pill just to keep my eyes open. I thought that was what caffeine was for but what do I know.

Surprisingly, telemarketers do not appreciate a continuous stream of knock knock jokes.

I need a new doctor.Got a letter saying mine is leaving the practice. Hard to not take it personally when he ended it with "It's not you, it's me."

The mushroom outbreak in my front yard has gotten the breast of me-uh I mean BEST of me.

hand sanitizer on unknown papercut= jolt of pain=jerk back=hit funny bone=smack my knee on desk.‪#‎BlackCloudTripleScore

What kind of freak is Cinderella that no one else could fit in her shoe? She have extra toes? Two left feet? Hooves?

My drivers license says I'm 47 but my knees, hairline, blood pressure and muscle tone carbon date me to atleast 64

I dropped an apple that rolled out of the kitchen,into the hall,down 2 flights of stairs,into the bathroom,& behind the sink. ‪#‎EscapedFasterThanAnOlympicSwimmer ‬.

I'm like an old mower. I just can't get started today. Thinking my carburetor is flooded.

After a heavy lunch, the 2nd half of the work day is like the sequel to a good movie: same cast & setting but never as good as the original. ‪#‎sleepy‬ ‪#‎FoodComa

I don't recall EVER being happy about the first day of school. It had all the joy of being selected for The Hunger Games.

39 years ago today Elvis Presley, age 42, had a hunka hunka heart attack and left the building. Thank you and good night

If the average man's life is remembered in a grand symphony mine would end up being a little ditty by Randy Newman.

This morning I wiped rain off of my glasses w/ what turned out to be a greasy napkin. ‪#‎MrMcGooSchoolofDriving

Yesterday I trudged into my house, exhausted from the heat, looked into my hall closet full of jackets & coats and said,"Soon my friends.. SOON."

I had my dollar, they refused to sell me a tree. ‪#‎DollarTreeIsALie

I once ate a bowl of Frosted Flakes w/ chop sticks. Why? Because it was the year of the tiger (and all the spoons were dirty) ‪#‎theyreGLLLLLLEAT

The olympics should not be shown on 9 different cable networks unless 8 of them are each dedicated to a 24/7 body camera worn by a different competitor

Went to see The Secret Life of Pets this weekend. Good movie but a little too much animal nudity for my tastes.

At my desk trying to work. My eyes have not yet agreed and keep wanting to close. Management proposed a solution. ‪#‎ClockworkBlackCloud

weird dream

I dreamed that I begged some friends to go camping and then I showed up barefoot w no gear and had to beg & borrow like a little bitch. This was not "scary" but definitely not fun. I think I had a ‪#‎awkwardmare‬. ‪#‎BlackCloudAfterDark

Since it's tax free weekend for school supplies in Missouri I'm thinking of taking the plunge on this sweet little school bus I've had my eye on.

Woke up w/ an unexplainable pain in my left toe. Seems this little piggy had a rough day at the market.

I would only agree to go into Witness Protection if my new name could be Abe Froman:Sausage King of Chicago.

model train people:tired of whimsical small town.Show me graffiti covered boxcars/urban slums/junk cars/abandoned buildings.#MayberryIsEasyButDetroitIsHard.

After work I'm heading over to Sam's Club to vote and then Brennan Woods Elementary for gas and prescriptions. Wait. Scratch that. Reverse it.

vote for me

I'd like to propose a bill that stipulates for every mud-slinging or sickenly sweet patriotic campaign ad aired, a seperate, totally dry humored ad for a fake candidate be produced and aired as well. This would add some sugar to help the bullshit medicine of politics go down.

Arrived 45 min early to stand in front of my office with my coworkers and cheer & wave for a corporate video. The things I'll do for a free sausage biscuit.