chirp/screech/squeal

Either a bald eagle,3 chipmunks, and a possum are having an orgy in my engine compartment or the new belts I had installed last week need adjusting. #AnimalPlanetAfterDark

maid to order

I actually hired a cleaning lady and today is her first day. Either I'll come home to a clean house or a cleaned out house. (Is it weird that my neighbor texted that she arrived in an empty moving van with 4 helpers?) #HopingSheInadvertentlyVacuumsUpMyBlackCloud

Do strippers list their work description as a career in thong&dance?

still here

Today marks 11 years I'm with this company. This is the longest I've stayed in one spot since I joined Witness Protection. #ThinkingTheyForgotMeAgain

It begins..

On this date, after an enormous day of profit by their silent partner, Amazon.com, the Cyberdyne Industries were funded to develop Skynet, which became self aware and caused the rise of the machines. Therefore, this day shall forever be known as CYBER MONDAY.

need a transfer slip

If FB was a class, I enjoyed it much more when it was a blow off Study Hall/Free Period w/ friends. Now it feels like AP Poli Sci/Humanities. #SoGonnaFlunkTheMidTerm #CanIBorrowYourNotes?

I'm not arachnophobic but when a spider crawled out of the shirt I pulled from a winter clothes bin I did briefly consider dropping napalm in the closet.

it begins..

7 days before thanksgiving and across the country texts/calls/emails are being exchanged regarding who is bringing what, where to find extra chairs, & who is/is not coming. Let the under breath bitching & grumbling of the holiday season begin. #NoOneEvenEatsTheDamnCranberrySauce

sock it to me

Either socks are going to have to start being sold with little metal snap buttons to keep them together thru the laundry process or they should be sold in 3s so there is always a back up. #AliensLoveToFWithUsByAbductingOneSockAtATime

I dreamed I was having dinner with Andre the Giant and he spent the whole time unsuccessfully trying to operate an I-Phone. #GiantProblems

I actually wrote myself a note to remind myself to note something. Its amazing I can even find my way home at night.

I agree to a catapult, airbag, or trap door rigged to deploy when I enter the breakroom on office food days. #TimeToGetMedievalOnMyAss

too much too soon

In an effort to prevent inevitable burnout, the 2 FM stations in St. Louis now playing 24/7 holiday music (both of whom go by the "official Christmas station") need to fight each other in a Yultide Hunger Games deathmatch. There can be only one.

don't feel good

I keep getting legitimately sick to my stomach whenever I turn on a TV or check my homepage and see photos, footage, or updates about a cheeto colored d-bag. I think I'm developing a #NewsAllergy

One thing both a republican and a democrat can agree: #ButterCremeCakeIsGooooood

If a man trips over his own feet and falls when he is alone in the office and no one is there to see it, does he still look like a jack-ass? (I'm just asking for a friend.)

"I'm a little verklempt.Talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you topic: Palmolive – it's neither palm, nor olive. Discuss." - Linda Richmond/Coffee Talk/SNL

moving on

I'm looking forward to FB posts once again being dedicated to important things like photos of dinner plates, comments about the weather, big toothy selfies, pet photos, how much Christmas shopping you've done, kid pics, & memes (so many f-ing memes). #AnythingButPolitics #DamageIsDone

vote

Apparently my polling place got changed at the last minute to this van parked behind an abandonded KMart. These 2 guys w/ russian accents had me cast my vote on some sort of an IPad. So Easy!

anxiety over tomorrow's election is like living thru the cuban missile crisis in 1962. #FearForTheEndOfTheWorld

morning surprise

This morning on hwy 44 the truck in front of me was cut off turned sharply causing 2 sandbags to fall out of the back which I swerved & barely missed almost making me hit the car to my left. I'll just tell people that stain on my pants is spilled tea. #BlackCloudSandManAttack

OD

I might need a mental heimlich maneuver because my brain is actually choking on obnoxious mud slinging local & state political ads. #PumpStomachUntilIVOTEDStickerPopsOutOfMouthAndBreathingIsRestored

Sybil moment

So I'm facing the microwave in the breakroom making various comments to a coworker that I did not realize had left the room. #TalkingToMyselfLikeASchizophrenicHomelessMan

Nanny Note

Dear Mary Poppins, Thank you for the joy you brought me as a child. Thank you for teaching me a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down. Thanks also for the diabetes that practice brought. You can expect a letter from my attorney.
#SupercalifragilisticexpialidociousChildEndangermentLawsuit

Happy National Half Price Candy Day! (There are free leftovers in the breakroom to get you started)