it begins

Tomorrow I once again drop off my mower at a boy scout fundraiser to be cleaned, sharpened, & oil changed. If I can just talk one of the little bastards into coming over and cutting my lawn a few times for the same donation I'll be good to go. #HasntWorkedSoFar #ArtOfTheDealMyAss #BePreparedToNegotiate

I COULD replace the batteries in my remote but then my finger wouldn't get such a workout from pressing the button so hard.

happ happy happy

Being an adult is like that 3rd waiter in the group that CLEARLY hates clap-singing Happy Birthday at your table. Sometimes you have to roll your eyes and do stupid shit just to stay in the game.

happ happy happy

Being an adult is like that 3rd waiter in the group that CLEARLY hates clap-singing Happy Birthday at your table. Sometimes you have to roll your eyes and do stupid shit just to stay in the game.

working for the weekend

Thursday used to be fueled by momentum of the 3 previous days to blast into Friday, but now barely drags itself in like a tired 3 legged dog. #ThisWeekIsFeelingOld

This morning a longtime local radio news personality was being teased about having no hair and I actually said to myself,"Gee, he doesn't SOUND bald."

dream police

I'd like to apologize to the friends in my dream last night who attended my birthday party only to have me leave the house & then not be able to get back inside. My dead father called me yelled at me for being such a rude host. #CatholicGuiltNotJustForBreakfastAnymore

damn you spring

Suddenly my back yard is growing like Jiffy-Pop & my front yard is covered with blue wildflower weeds like smurf acne, but I've decided to do the mature thing and just ignore it until it goes away.

31 flavors + 6

Dear Baskin Robbins, As a childless adult I cannot justify the purchase of Lucky Charms, Trix, Golden Grahams, Sugar Corn Pops, Capt Crunch, or Coco Pebbles.. but who is to say you can't "accidentally" mix these in w/ some batches of vanilla? (wink wink) - Dave B

sleep

Night #11 without decent sleep: my focus is dulled, blood pressure is up, reactions are slowed, blood sugar is high, politics are making sense, and I'm thinking Steven Seagal's acting skills were underrated. #ClearlyINeedHelp

martha stewart's weather channel

During last night's dinner party the weather outside was mid 60s w/ heavy rain but inside the oven was on and the windows were closed so the AC was pumping at the same time the fireplace was burning. #WhenWeatherAndEntertainingCollide #EvenMyBlackCloudWasConfused #StillAGoodtime

doorknob

Damn shame that the jacket manufacturers trademarked the name WINDBREAKER before the people at Gas-X did. #ThatBlackCloudIsNotFromTheSky

The world is a dangerous & scary place, but donuts were in the breakroom this morning so there is still hope.

wear sunscreen

I just noticed that in the song Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen) by Baz Luhrmann every reference to be being old is defined as 40. At 47, I'm too old to be old. #GetOffMyLawnYaDamn40YearOldKids!

The elevator in my office just passed its safety inspection. I guess that means we'll be moving up in the world.

Its not a good day when you realize you now relate to Ziggy cartoons more because you look like him than find him funny

Feeling tired, irritable, grumpy, aggressive, and pessimistic today. Maybe I should run for public office?

Forecast high of 83 & sunny today. You see spring. I see grass & weeds starting to grow. #TheBattleBegins #SlowlySharpensMowerBlade

something is still going around

Still trying to fight off the cold virus going around but the hand sanitizer I just bought smells like cheap ladies hairspray. #GeeYourHandsSmellTerrific #HighFivingStrippers #BlackCloudGermWarfare

Having a PB&J for breakfast w/out something to drink is equivalent to starting your day wearing a ball gag. #NowIKnowWhyThisDroveTheDogCrazy

Some days are diamonds and some days are just rocks,but even on the bad ones be thankful for all you've still got.

Kids are so expensive. Or atleast that was my opening line when I sold mine on the black market.

I promised myself I'd just have a sandwich for lunch, but I never clarified it couldn't be an icecream sandwich. #LoopHoledMyselfAgain

thumbs up

A man can only remember so many constantly changing passwords so I'm ready for universal thumbprint ID verification. Ofcourse as soon this happens I'll probably lose my thumb in some weird yard trimming accident. #NoAccessToMyAccountsANDMyFonzieImpressionIsRuined

On this date in 1781 Sir William Hershel discovers Uranus directly after one of his drinking buddies showed him a moon.

nope

They tried to move Mom to a different table in the dining room (with grumpier people) just for traffic purposes. I got the spacing issue resolved & her back w/ her friends. #NobodyPutsCharlotteInTheCorner

tough room

So I was spouting all my political frustrations in front of my smart TV when it turned itself on, flashed a message that said WRAP IT UP, and then started to play orchestra music louder & louder until I stopped.

death and taxes

Getting my taxes done tonight. Normally this stresses me out but in light of more serious things in my life right now it seems no more significant than returning a library book. (For those 20 or younger: feel free to ask an older person what a library book is)

Things you didn't know...

According to the 2001 film American Outlaws, Frank & Jessie James returned from the losing side of the civil war not only well fed & fashionably dressed, but also sporting an alarming amount of hair product. #HistoricalFunFact

good day

After getting her hair styled & colored yesterday Mom is speaking,eating every bite, and even opened her eyes and greeted me today. #GratefulForAnyTinyWin #ChangeYourHairChangeYourLife

bad dream

I had a really disturbing nightmare where I accidentally killed someone, panicked, then tried to hide the body. Turns out I'm not very good at it. #DontDoTheCrimeIfYouCantDoTheTime

national pancake day

And should we win the day, the 7th of March will no longer be known as a normal date, but as the day the world declared in one voice: "We WILL go carb loaded into our day!" We will NOT adhere to a healthy diet! We're going to eat pancakes! And we're going to eat them for FREE! Today we celebrate our National Pancake Day!

I say we all say we're sick, leave work, and go get drunk and see Lego Batman. Who's with me??? #TheCureForMondayAfternoon

wakey wakey

I need to place a 4am thank you call to the home of the AT&T employee who made my text alert wake me up in the middle of the night to remind me my data is running low. #ReachOutAndTouchSomeone

You know you're having a stressful weekend when organizing your taxes is a pleasant distraction. If this keeps up I'll be doing algebra to relax.

ring ring

As the care facility's point of contact for my terminally ill Mom, my heart stops every time my cell rings with an unknown number on it. And when said call turns out to be an automated sales pitch I find myself uttering profanities not utilized since the dark ages.

The vatican recieved a petition today signed by over 4 million fish in protest of meatless fridays during lent. The Pope's response is below:

You don't know the power of the dark side, I must obey my master. #ReturnOfTheOfficeFoodDay

germs germs

Avoiding cooties as a child was surprisingly good practice for trying to not get sick during cold and flu season. #ColdCootiesEverywhere #HowardHughesWasOntoSomething #QuickDrawPurellBeltHolster