Although I'm sitting here ready to start the week it appears my brain is out on strike.

It was nothing (I hope)

Late last night my car was loaded with stuff from my parents house when a single paper item suddenly caught wind and flew out the window into the night. I don't know but I'm sure it was probably just a treasure map, lost will, original Warhol drawing, or some early Apple stock certificate.

fashion mistake

Just realized I'm wearing these drawstring shorts inside out. This is is either early senility or else I'm due a refund on that learning disability testing I passed back in 4rth grade.

sequal

After having his soup spiked with antifreeze Ferris really does need a new kidney but no one believes him so Slone sets out to find Cameron, now homeless, bitter, & psychotic after destroying his father's car, to donate his. Hilarity ensues in "Ferris Bueller's Actual Sick Day: Jeannie's Revenge"

overdone

I accidentally hit 2 hours instead of 2 minutes on the microwave. I just wanted to warm my sandwich but I've turned it into the hulk. #AnAccidentalOverdoseOfGammaRadiation

My phone did an update and for some reason the voice on my Google Maps is a Minion.But as long as directions include the words Boss or Banana I'm fine

pot problems

The rubber ball float broke off in my hand when I tried to adjust it this morning so I'm pretty sure my toilet is about to have a 3 mile island nuclear meltdown. #SelfDestructModeInitiated #OhShit #TenSecondsToDetonation98765..

I wish I had a ukulele just so I could sing every order at the drive thru. #EnjoyingTheBlankStareFromTheKidAtThe2ndWindow

When I'm in a Good Will Store I pretend I'm an archeologist assigned to identify unearthed forgotten fad items from the 80s&90s.

really??

So I'm at Walmart at lunch reaching for something on a shelf when this lady rams my cart w/ hers (seems mine was in the way & she was above saying "excuse me") causing my cart to roll out of the isle into a display an employee was working on. Despite my explanation I'm the one who got the dirty look & the lady continued to shop. When I passed her I expressed my feeling in sign language.

mowed down

Finished mowing so now I'm panting, dizzy, sweating, bleeding at the leg, bitten all over, exhausted, drained, and swearing I'll never go back out there. Is it possible to get post traumatic stress disorder from yard work?

The best plan to get me into a gym would have to involve a trail of little powder sugar donuts

dentist

I have an appointment for a teeth cleaning today but the way my black cloud is running I'm predicting they will mix up my chart, pull out my teeth, and fit me for dentures.

ooh that smell

How come the greasy butter popcorn smell sticks to my microwave like a fire alarm paint bomb for months but when I use Pledge on all my furniture I only smell lemon for 15 min?

move along

At my check up today the nurse used some sort of a jedi thermometer on me where she just waived this stick past my forehead. She got my temp plus I realized these were not the droids I was looking for.

quiet

Somewhere in Heaven right now Janis Joplin and Sam Kinison are about to be kicked out of a coffee shop for an overly spirited game of Battleship. ( Lyndon Johnson is such a winy little cry baby) #F4 #MISS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some men need to build an empire or climb a mountain to feel victorious. I just need to survive mowing my lawn. #done #fineato #check

To be able to reach mid afternoon having not showered, changed clothes or brushed my teeth without being sick feels like pure luxury. #SlothRocks

cool down

When I was a kid I'd deal with 100+ heat by running thru a sprinkler. But in my maturity I've find it takes much less energy to just ride a Walmart mobility scooter through a car wash. #WorkSmarterNotHarder #AvoidTheClearCoatWax

label it

Dear Amazon: Please put the next package you send me inside of a Tampax Tampons box before you leave it on my doorstep. That way if someone steals it, atleast he'll look really stupid walking down the street with it. Thanks, DB

How low has my life gotten when I find myself looking forward to a trip to the Dollar Tree at lunch? #JetsettingInternationalManOfMystery 🤵🕶️🍸

I didn't sleep well & got up early for a work function. Now my head feels tired and heavy so I got a haircut at lunch to lighten the load up there.

they knew at once

When Frank took her hand Alice felt something pass through her. She looked away bashfully. The connection was instant for both of them but they came from different social circles so theirs was a love that was forbidden.

Dropped by the mechanic and my car got a green light to take on vacation this month. The driver... meh. #OnTheRoadWithMrMagoo

too much of a good thing

Dear #SciFyChannel: Picture a world where a channel runs marathons of a classic show EVERY SINGLE HOLIDAY until they become so repetitive they lose their brilliance and become mundane. You have now entered.. the overexposed zone.

The steroids for my MG are acting against the insulin injections for my diabetes. Below is my blood sample multified 200 times

Being at work on a day when most people are off makes me feel like I'm in The Breakfast Club. #CouldYouDescribeTheRuckusSir?