I'll bet on halloween Jack Nicholson wears a plain t-shirt with the word ME written on it

Late last night I ate 10 White Castles because today for Halloween I'm going as a gas explosion.

From 1996-2000 I travelled a lot on business & stole 1 hotel towel every trip. For 20 yrs I've felt the rub of these crimes.

My kitchen light was on all night. I think a ghost did it. I'm OK w/ the haunting but F w/ my electric bill & its exorcism time.

When I first heard "Nobody Better Lay a Finger on My Butterfinger" I thought it was an anti-masterbation slogan

I managed to get up, get dressed, and come into work but my brain is still hitting the snooze alarm. #JustTenMoreMinutes

Shorter days,leaves are changing,& a cold wind is blowing. Except for the acorn that smacked into my head I'm a happy guy. #Fall

Wondering if Samantha from Bewitched ever accidentally cast a spell on someone just because she happened to be swishing Jello in her mouth at the time?

tennis anyone?

Eating in the park watching a demanding Dad teach his 7ish yr old tennis. 🎾 Kid was pretty good until he served the ball right into Dad's crotch.😳 "Was that in or out?" asked the kid

Either fewer people in my neighborhood decorated their houses for Halloween or the teens have gotten faster at stealing it.

If being in love means never having to say you're sorry then the person who lets their dog poop on my lawn every day must be head over heels for me.

clock key

Drove 15min to a clock place to buy a winding key to find the place empty. Called 3 others in Google & they were disconnected or moved. Seems time is running out for clock techs. They are all winding down into retirement.

glare

Despite the glare during my morning commute I never get around to wiping the film off more than a circle of my windshield. Lazyness:1 Self-Preservation:0

I just need a quick 24 hour nap and I'll be engergized to finish the work day.

uh oh

I dreamed I was a sailor in a WW2 submarine who crawled inside the torpedo tube to clean it when an alarm went off and I heard "Fire one!!" #ThisCantBeGood.

Today is YOUR day and you WILL git them Duke boys. #HappyBossesDay

what were we thinking?

People don't like talking about the dark side of our history but it's time we faced this: On this date in 1976 DISCO DUCK hit #1 on the pop charts.

white paint black cloud

My meds sometimes make me dizzy. I was painting my guest room ceiling today when the room started to spin, I stumbled off the stepladder, stepped directly into the full bucket of paint and knocked it over

We all wanted to grow up to an be like the heros we watched on screen. My hero was Uncle Buck. #ExplainsALot

Sometimes I leave the lower file cabinet drawers open near my desk like landmines to trip up would be invaders

I still need to paint 3 more ceilings in my house but I keep brushing it off.

Did Dr. Frankenstein keep a practice w/ regular office hours? Maybe the monster thing was just an evening/weekend hobby.

I predict we will eventually go to war with China. Then again, I once confidently predicted that ZIMA would be the #1 selling beverage in the world.

cracked

I was just in a room being questioned by a guy at a table in front of a large 2 way mirror and camera. Eventually I cracked started to confess my crimes until he reminded me it was just a marketing survey for insulin brands.

opposing sides

My primary doc says steriods are messing with my diabetes. My neurologist says I need the steroids to deal w/ my MG. #TornBetweenTwoDoctorsFeelinLikeAFool

You know that step & handle the trashguy rides on the back of the truck? They should put those on city buses & only charge half fare.

soundtrack

I dreamed that I won a contest where the John Williams Orchestra performed a musical soundtrack to everything I did, however mundane, for a week. It got annoying after awhile but I did enjoy the jaws theme every time I made toast.

Halloween is 23 days away. Time to start shopping bank loans to pay for those few bags of candy you're going to need.

It took way too long to get to Friday this week. I made it but now I feel like a printer w/ an empty toner cartridge

I wonder how many roofers have been thrown off of buildings by coworkers for over-use of "Stop! Hammer time."?

Do clams, seaslugs, & hermit crabs keep tiny baskets of people's old coats in their bathroom too?

chains

This morning I pulled up next to a Prison Transfer Van and locked eyes w/ the guy in back. Instead of wondering if he was innocent or dangerous all I could think was that orange looked good on him.

How many shooting victims checked MSN home page in the morning never dreaming that their photo would be on there the next day?

What makes me truly sad, besides the obvious tragedy, is how less & less shocked I am when atrocities like this happen.

Las Vegas Shooting

Halloween candy should be as fun to give as it is to get. That's why I'll be using a slingshot this year. #SnickersReallyDOESSatisfy