death pool

So far my picks are in last place for my office 2018 Celebrity Death Pool (stupid healthy people) but all it will take is some bad fish at the early bird dinner special at the Friar's Club tonight for me to surge ahead for the win before New Years. #FingersCrossed

Dear Lemon Ricotta Pancakes: You complete me.

The days between Christmas & New Years drift by in neutral gear like holiday purgatory

Sometimes I catch myself wondering what ever happened to fictitious characters from long defunct TV sitcoms.

If I ever collapse, forget CPR, just give me a papercut & put hand sanitizer in it. I'll wake up for sure.

When a cold gets so bad so fast that you reach for the 3 year expired Dayquil in your desk drawer

Walmart Log 12/7:Shoppers were plentiful but polite. However,there is a growing unease as the herd can sense the coming stampede

Today we remember 2 things:The sacrifice of all those who perished 77 years ago & the 2001 Michael Bay movie that annoyed people

mixed

Goodwill has all the mens&womens coats lumped together & separated only by color. Based on shoulder pads & perfume smells, I think I tried on atleast 3 ladie's peacoats.

outgoing

Dad: There was no social media in the early 90s so if you wanted to show how quirky & creative you were you had to leave a funny outgoing message on your answering machine.
Son: Answering Machine?
Dad: Lets not go down that rabbit hole just now.

Every car should have a feature that automatically plays Hotel California whenever you drive thru heavy fog.

New Rule: All tacos&tortillas will be square instead of round. All in favor?

Today is my 13 year anniversary with A-Mrazek Moving Systems. (You'd think by now I'd stop tripping on that front step)

The older it gets, the slower my computer is to power up and function in the morning. It SO gets me.

Its 2018, where is my fully lit & decorated Christmas tree that cranks open & closed like a patio umbrella? #TheJetsonsWereLiars

The Monday of a 3 day work week is still a Monday

Instead of replacing my broken DVR w/ a new one,Spectrum installed a beat up refurbished unit found in an abandoned trailer park

When waiting at the airport I like to play music & give fashion runway commentary on everyone filing out of the terminal gate

The anticipation of 4-7" of snow falling the night before my planned vacation day at home makes me smugly happy

One of the perks of middle age deterioration is the joy of comfort over fashion. Socks w/ sandals is not far away.

sams

The lady at Sam's Club didn't greet me, make eye contact or smile when she checked my cart out at the door but I DID learn all about Lamar, the jerk off, cheating, boyfriend of the friend she was talking to. What an A-hole! Shondra was RIGHT to ghost his ass!Giiirrl!!!(SNAP!)#TheMoreYaKnow🌈

reading material

First I outgrew Highlights magazine, then Boys Life, then Maxim, and now Entertainment Weekly. All that's left is AARP Monthy and then back to Highlights.

In an attempt to make middle age fun, I'm developing 3D Reading Glasses so every book will be a pop-up.

fine dining

I enjoyed my elegant lunch of lobster bisque, baked ham, turkey stuffing, & pumpkin pie, but I had to change clothes 4 times to make enough free sample rotations at Sams Club to fill up.

fake calls

The "IRS" called and told me I have outstanding penalties due& I need to pay b4 the local "cops" arrest me. I commended them for finally tracking me down, said they'll never take me alive, & yelled "BURN EVERYTHING! We're runing again!" as I hung up.

We could eliminate obesity in this country in 3 months if exercise was the only way to charge our phone.

The real winners were the ones smart enough to take home all that leftover party food.Meatballs&cubed cheese for lunch all week!

My coworker said her mom is working the poles today. So sad that a senior citizen has to work at a strip club to make ends meet.

I got up on time, traffic was lite so I was early to the office, and someone brought in cookies: Something BAD is coming my way.

Every politician currently campaigning needs to particpate in one huge pie fight. It wont affect my vote but will be deeply satisfying to watch

holiday merch

11/1: Like an unstoppable spreading holiday virus, Walmart has ALREADY converted to Christmas. Target & Walgreens will fall next.. then all will be lost. CDC warns Santa Bug Cannot Be Contained. #GrinchesUnite

Its pretty cool how stores celebrate All Saints Day by selling 50% off candy.

back in the saddle

Its been almost 8 years since I was on stage but I just got cast as Uncle Billy in Next Generation's production of Its a Wonderful Life this December. We'll see if there is any talent left in the bottom of my rusted old tank. May God have mercy on our souls.

Am I the only one who can switch dreams at night by rolling over? Its the dream equivalent of a CD changer.

Everyday my coworker tells me stories about her cats.I now demand each night she tells her cats stories about me. #EqualTime

FB dessert videos

Why would I waste 15 Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, 10 other ingredients, & 13 labor intensive prep steps to make a dessert that tastes like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups in the first place?

When I'm in a bad mood it aggravates me when someone tells me to have a Blessed day. Peddle your exorcism somewhere else padre.

2 accident road closurers forced me to reroute to the left this morning.One more would left have routed me back home.So close

why I don't play lotto

If I won the lottery and quit my job I'd eventually go nuts from boredom. If at work I'm Fozzie Bear, on weekends I become Mr. Snuffleupagus, in retirement I'd morph into Jabba the Hutt.

I miss my younger, more invulnerable days when I could afford to zone out during health insurance changeover meetings.

My house is never more inviting than when I can only run in to grab something & leave.Must be why burglars appreciate nice stuff.

Dear American Express, Since global warming is melting the polar ice cap, why is my account still frozen? - Dave B

Some mondays start like a jet taking flight but this one feels more like a car driving off a cliff.

Held open a door for a Mom carrying her toddler. The Mom thanked me & walked by just as the kid sneezes into my face. #GermCloud

In space no one can hear you scream, but what's the ruling on flatulence?

warm blanket

Nothing feels better than sleeping under a blanket the first cold night of fall.(Full disclosure: some things actually DO feel better but for legal reasons I can't mention them here)

check up

Saw my neurologist this morning who tightened my bolts, checked my battery, & hit my tires w/ a tuning fork. He declared I'm still somewhat road worthy and sent me back out on the streets.

dark web

The dark web is:
1) Why I scream "get it off me!" when I go into the attic
2) the other side of the matrix
3) described in detail in every Rights&Responsibilities you scroll past and click OK on w/out reading.

I have no skeletons in my closet but I do have Jimmy Hoffa's wristwatch in my desk drawer.

mcd

Thanks McDonalds for the overdone sausage bisquit, dried out hashbrown, and overcooked apple pie. Seems the new slogan is: BaDaDaPaDa.. I'm Burnin' This!

Brunch is a dangerous place so I always grab some extra sharp cheddar in case I need to cut a bitch. #word

We had tacos last night because we prefer to celebrate National Taco Day Eve.

Venus is the hottest planet in our solar system w/ an average temp of 735 while St. Louis MO is a close 2nd w/ a muggy 93 in Oct

New fall TV shows are like bad horror movie characters: you know most won't survive and a few are actually fun to see killed.

I like to take big Sam's carts into The Dollar Tree to shop so it feels like I'm driving a moster truck.🚘Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

Of all of the technological updates of the last 50 yrs,I believe the internet has ultimately done more harm than good to mankind

The 18 yr old radio in my Mazda is either dying or developed a new anti-theft feature that shoots random CDs at the driver

I enjoy listening to classical music at my desk but sometimes it feels like I'm in a dramatic close up in an Oliver Stone film.

News Alert: after MUCH personal debate I've decided to use my Arby's coupon today before it expires. In a related story, I clearly need to get a life.

I miss the days when a bowl of Trix, Sugar Corn Pops, or Lucky Charms were considered "part of this balanced breakfast"

Ahhh, there's nothing like a nice long nap after lunch (but I really need to start storing a pillow here under my desk)

Thinking back to the NBC Must See TV in the 80s I don't recall ever hearing anyone refer to Bill Cosby as "America's Dad".

Crap. It's only Tuesday

Remember when blue haired ladies meant loud talking seniors w/ dentures & walkers instead loud talking twenty-somethings w/ tattoos & cell phones?

old

I came across my old land line phone, answering machine, & digital camera in the back of my closet. Last time I saw them these were useful everyday items but suddenly they are outdated antiques. Then I looked in the mirror and had the same thought.

Fun Fact: Graham Crackers are made from the crushed up bones of deceased Grahamparents.

The first time in 3 weeks that traffic was light enough for me to get to the office early and, ofcourse, the boss is out of town.

Warning: St. Louis heat index could reach 105 today, which is the same temp that makes pumpkin spice flavoring burst into flames.

Since they already played fruit god w seedless watermellon I'm pissed they've yet to produce pitless peaches & plums please.

If someone in St. Louis will open a Low Carb Bakery I promise you my business alone will keep your doors open.

The Flintstones are Walmart people and the Jetsons are Target people.

sweet karma

I pulled to the right at a 3 way stop to give a tractor-trailer space to turn past but the entitled lady in the Benz behind me decided she was going cut past us. As she whipped around she actually screamed as she almost slammed head on into the truck. I smiled as she hastily reversed.

I'm exhausted because I didn't sleep well, was late for work due to traffic, & the temp is 90s & humid:Its a Monday Trifecta

shark!

Last night I watched a show about the making of Jaws, then flipped to the news and saw a man was killed by a shark in Cape Cod. I'm glad I didn't watch the making of War of the Worlds.

tired

9am & still sleepy. OK caffeine get off your butt & started working! You can be replaced ya know. I have a 5 hour energy shot on standby that is dying to get into the game.

All small claims court cases should be decided by a game of JENGA

Bathroom Cleaning Supplies:I can spend $ on premium brands or buy $Tree brands that smell like a chemical fire in an outhouse

remember

It feels like a triple paradox:17 yrs was just a moment ago, but footage makes it seem like a lifetime ago, while its just a historical note to anyone under 23. #RIP

Went to Shop n Save & 4 employees asked how I'm doing. They're just afraid I'm gonna build a fort out of cereal boxes again

Yesterday I ate like a hungry hungry hippo, jammed to music like a bobblehead, and worked out like GI Joe. This morning I woke up feeling like silly puddy.

I paid bills last night and if my checking account was measured in temperature, it would be frozen solid

shoe

I hooked my finger while trying to fix my sandal which came off while on the gas pedal on Hwy44 making my car appear driverless for a few panicked seconds. How is your morning?

hardware

Yesterday I smoked cigars w/ a Navy Seal who told me about sniper firing, grenade launchers, rock climbing, & firing rockets. I told him I'm giving serious thought to buying a new weed wacker.

Last night I watched a 1yr old climb on top of his 7yr old brother and bounce on his head. Babysitting is better than the WWE.

From my neighborhood website today:

 Coyotes in the area
We saw a very healthy looking Coyote last night in the Ivy Chase area (Well after dark). While this one looked well fed, they are still known to be predatory towards pets and even small children.
New1h ago · 50 neighborhoods in Crime & Safety

What kind of a jerk builds a wall shelf that holds 99 bottles of warm beer to hand out at parties? Buy a fridge ya cheap bastard.

Peanut Butter Oreos are just Nutter Butters that elected to have transgender reassignment surgery

house

I used to want a home w/ a firehouse pole & a waterslide, but now I'd prefer someplace w/ an elevator & a craftmatic adjustable bed. #FromLifeofPartytoLifeAlert

Just realized they call the place Jack in the Box because 10min after you eat it the food surprisingly pops back up.

I'm pretty sure Arby's Sauce is just Maul's BBQ Sauce & Ketchup

Just who is this Buttercup chick and specifically what is it she being asked to suck up anyway?

Right now morning people are zooming ahead productively while I'm staring at my screen wondering where I hid my password

midnight

I dropped by Walmart around midnight and saw a couple w/ their 5 month old baby casually doing a full weeks worth of shopping. The only responsible explanation is that this was a family of vampires who must live only by night.

Dear Hasbro

If you opened a restaurant that turned Play-Doh into edible, low carb, flavored food that I could squeeze thru a fun factory or baber shop and onto my plate.. I'd totally eat there. Thanks, Dave B

Starting a workday when you really don't want to is equivalent to pushing a car uphill.Gravity works against you

The Exorcist did not bother me at all but Beetlejuice gave me nightmares. Dying is easy. Dying comically is hard.

I swung my lunch bag thru a spider web so now I'm sure my sandwich will include spider eggs which will hatch & come out my ears.

Women are Barbies who look in the mirror & see a Cabbage Patch Kid. Men are Mr.Potato Heads who look in the mirror & see GI Joe

new game

Idea: a new party trend called Silent Cell where everyone arrives, but stays silent, communicates only via 1 to 1 text or snapchat until they each figure a password based on a provided clue. Last one to guess gets a beating from the rest. (Its a Darwin thing)

Yesterday felt like Friday so being at work today feels like Saturday detention. #GrownUpBreakfastClub

traffic

Thanks to traffic for the PGA championship I was almost 20 min late for work. I haven't seen this many middle age white guys in the same place since Walmart had that 2 for 1 sale on fertilizer.

The car in front of me had a Ghostbuster sticker next to a memorial sticker for a dead friend. Is the plan to capture his ghost?

old papers

My electric typewriter in college had a LED screen so I could proof each line before it printed. Yet looking back it still looks like my term papers were typed by a drunk monkey.

August in St. Louis is like being inside a microwave someone is trying to dry dirty wet socks in.

Fun Fact: If you hiccup hard enough while brushing your teeth, toothpaste WILL come out of your nose.#IStillSmellAquafresh

Gen Z is the demographic cohort after the Millennials.I assume this means they will be the LAST generation?Humans had a good run

reboots

Dear Reboot-Crazed Network Executives: There is a reason all those old sitcoms were eventually cancelled. They were used up, out of ideas, and no longer good. Stop playing TV Frankenstein by trying to raise the dead. Let the characters rest in peace instead of awkwardly dragging out a 20 yr older cast.

Life is a gift. And sometimes that gift is a hideous, ill-fitting shirt w/ no receipt or tag to exchange it

Keeping unused cookbooks on your bookshelf is like saving college textbooks from dropped classes the bookstore wouldn't buy back.

I used to be able to do The Worm but now I just do the slug.

Dear Hanna-Barbera & Robert Zemeckis: It's 2018. Where the hell is my flying car? Promises were made dammit!

rock n roll heaven

Dreamed I was in Heaven buying a ticket for a concert featuring Sam Cooke, Elvis, John Denver, & Barry Manilow. When I told the StubHub angel guy Manilow was still alive he just said,"Give it a minute."

If I stacked all the work I have backed up after my vacation, stood on top & jumped off, it would be the end of me. #CatchingUp

I've actually said the words,"I remember when fax machines were cool."

I'm going to open a store that only sells vibrators and call it "You Do You"

Whenever I wear something bought at Good Will I wonder if I'm wearing a dead guy's clothes.

My office chair needs a seatbelt so it keeps me safe everyday after lunch when I hit a wall.

Today is Friday the 13th so if you're a teenager at camp about to have sex you'd better make it good cause it will be your last

admission

On a deathbed confession my grandfather admitted that in 1973 HE was the one who gave that woman the notion to Rock the Boat. Now the Hues Corporation can finally stop asking and move on.

Facebook is like stepping into a river. It's always moving so I can never find the same post twice.(& you see stuff that scares u)

12pm Foundation Repair Estimate right into 1pm Pest Control w/ a House Cleaner arriving right in the middle. #SuperFunLunchHour

Dave

A friend in Europe just saw and sent me this pic. Glad to see we Daves continue to keep good will humor alive on an international basis. (I'm looking forward to attending the Global Dave Summit in Sweden this November)

Some mornings I feel like a one armed man who got entered in a ladder climbing contest.

I like bratwurst, despite the fact that they are really ashen, sickly looking hotdogs. Is bratwurst one of the 50 shades of grey?

What is it about road trips that makes me buy junk food items I haven't purchased on a regular basis since I was 12?

suprise

Thank you Aaron Meisner for putting Snap&Pops under the toilet seat in the mens room. The explosion when I sat down made me accomplish my task MUCH faster. 🚽💣💥😱😖🤗💩

At 16 I had strength, energy,& optimism. At almost 49 it takes all of my strength&energy just to remember what optimism was.

I prefer night to day, hate cutting grass, like it cold, OK just watching TV & floating. Its decided. I'm retiring on the moon.

Happy July 5th.. otherwise known as a throw away holiday

The booming concussions from neighborhood fireworks are making my Clapper turn my lamp off & on.It takes very little to amuse me.

I've heard of people lost in the desert dying of exposure in less than 3 days. As much as I hate heat I could accomplish that in under 2 hours.#Winning

Bed,Bath, & BEYOND would have made a great working title for the movie Poltergeist

This year is the 15th anniversary of my 15 year highschool reunion.

night sounds

Why does my hearing, which isn't great, turn bionic when I can't sleep? At 2am I heard the downstairs faucet drip, my neighbors phone ring, a red neck shooting fireworks blocks away,&someone farting downtown.

canada day

I would like to say #HappyCanadaDay to our neighbors up north and apologize again for the asinine stuff our idiot stepdad yelled over the fence at you guys. He does not speak for our family & we think he's a schmuck too. PS - I think he's been stealing your morning paper so you have my permission to turn the sprinkler on him.

On 108 heat index/80% humidity days I like to take my lunch and go watch joggers burst into flames

I found a plush towel set I got as a gift 19 yrs ago but saved "as good towels". Screw it. Life is short. Now its like I'm drying w/ shag carpet. #PimpLife

DMV

I just renewed my driver's license and when I looked into their viewmaster I was told to read the top line:QOCTRNOCDU! I think I was cursing in Klingon but I said it. I even threw a little Worf stank on the accent. (Driving requirements have changed)

You know its going to be a hot, muggy day when at 8am the air already feels like the inside of a just returned bowling shoe

In a disaster movie I'd be the guy who gets in a few lines of sarcasm early on and then be one of the first to get killed.

ride

Dreamed I died and an escalator appeared to take me to heaven. On the way up instead of harps they played 'Here I Go Again' by Whitesnake. According to St. Peter it's a fan favorite and they got the rights super cheap.

Unless my cellphone breaks I have no interest in upgrading it.I'm very slow to move onto the next big thing. My rubik's cube is still only solved on two sides.

sniff sniff

I'm working on a cologne that smells like funnel cake, corndog, cotton candy & snow cones and call it CARNY. The logo will be a smile with a few missing teeth.

Mechanic Time Zone Change: When they tell you it will only take 45 min then 1 hr 30 min later they call your name.

I'd play Monopoly more if the game came with a spray bottle to inflict hurricane damage to other player's properties.

ssshh

Q:What's more annoying than being hunted by a mutant dinosaur?
A: Spending $11.15 to see Jurassic World 2 and sitting next to a lady holding her 11month old (cooing) baby and talking to it, her husband, and the screen (in Japanese) during the entire movie

made it

This morning I saw 3 different traffic stops w/ multiple cop cars each. Even though I was doing nothing wrong when I made it to my destinaiton I felt like I just successfully smuggled myself from east to west germany. #GoingUnderTheWall

The guy in the car next to me was brushing his teeth this morning. I made sure to get in front of him before it was time to rinse, spit, & floss

back

Due to a minor backache I should be allowed Jack&Coke at my desk for medicinal purposes. You're right, that's not medicinal.. forget the Coke.

movie seat

My movie seat last night had a heater button I didn't know was there until I roasted my behind and a power button that rested on my phone clip so the slightest movement rapidly threw me into full recline. I felt like a rocket being prepped for launch.

POV

I thought about retracing some of my childhood family road trips but since I was sitting backwards in the back of the wagon only seeing the back side of road signs I have no idea where we went.

so much farther to go

We have technologically advanced to self driving cars, verbal command computers that run our homes, and skies full of spy drones, but we can't invent a smoke alarm that won't go off when I make toast.

"I'm writing a book on insanity. They say you should write about something you know." - Dom DeLuise/The End

ticket

I just pled GUILTY in municipal court in order to do an online
payment for a $10 seat belt violation. Damn it feels good to be a gangster. 😎 #LadiesLoveABadBoy

Ever play air-hockey w/ someone who zips the puck right past you into your goal before you even see it?That puck is my day so far

Flag Day

I can't remember my morgage rate or most of my previous addresses but my first thought this morning was that its flag day. Thanks a lot brain. THAT'S what you retained.

If they just build a network of Log Flumes that connect throughout the city I would be more inclined to pay for public transport. Is that too much to ask? .

I was doing a post floss gargle when I hiccupped and nearly waterboarded myself w/ Listerine. How do you get blue stains off of a bathroom ceiling?

pie

When FB shows me 37 step videos on how make complicated desserts I hit reply and show the frozen pie section at Walmart, then my cart, then my debit card.

creek

Gravois Creek: my home away from home from age 9-14. My friends and I explored miles & miles of this place finding weird rocks, rusty artifacts, minows & crawdads without any stranger danger encounters. They say God looks after fools and children so I was double protected.

There is a time when I jump out of bed ready to go, but that time is usually 3am & involves the bathroom or a leg cramp.

bio

- Tell us about yourself Mr. Bornholdt.
- I was born in the wagon of a travelin' show.My mama used to dance for the money they'd throw.Papa would do whatever he could..Preach a little gospel, sell a couple bottles of Doctor good.
-Thank you for Chering

I found a crack in my basement foundation wall. I either need to patch it or prepare for the volcanic eruption that is forthcoming from under my house.

If you close your eyes and listen to the sounds of a busy playground it sounds like a prison riot on helium

There is something irritating my eyes this morning.. they're open.

ihop

We dropped by IHop for dessert last night. Their AC was busted and Curtis, our waiter/recent grad/disgruntled employee was NOT having it. He told us all about how he is about to quit, and then went outside and lay on the ground to deal with his anxiety. We appreciate the share Curtis but could we go ahead and order first?

bad day

So far today I spent an hour on a online form that erased itself when I tried to send it, I slipped on some loose dog food kibble in my kitchen, and I got pulled over on the way back from lunch. #LeaveMeAloneImCrabby

remake

They were working on a remake of "Adventures in Babysitting" but the update involved too much gunplay & heroin abuse before the story even got out of the suburbs.

I don't know where he got it but the fly that kept buzzing past my ear on my way to lunch had a light saber and some skills. #TheForceIsStrongInThisBug

I may look like I'm deep in thought at my desk but I'm actually in a self-induced sleep coma.

digitial grads

Wondering how much longer until HS & College graduation ceremonies are 100% Skyped w/ digitally distributed diplomas? (Cap & gown can be digitially added to photos of your pajama clad graduate for an additional fee)

95 degrees automatically eliminates 80% of what I am willing to do today. Global Warming.. making life simpler.

Hot cheese, meet my mouth. Top of my mouth, meet hot cheese. Goodbye top of my mouth.

I woke up this morning with YMCA by The Village People playing on repeat in my head and it hasn't stopped. Why does God hate me?

nananananananananananana

Dear Basic Cable, Who do I talk to about ordering a Six Million Dollar Man/Bionic Woman Memorial Day Weekend Marathon? Why? Because slow-motion, cheap props, & 70s sound effects are way cooler than CGI. Thanks, Dave

Pro: I enjoyed a relaxing lunch in the park today Con: I think I brought some new friends back to the office with me.

Nothing is like that last minute of school before summer vacation feeling. Then again I've never escaped from a prison so that might be comparable.

Clearly I'm not as young as I used to be because a little old lady just offered to help me cross the street.

Wondering if I'll ever be rich enough to replace the soap in the shower before the bar is paper thin.

Next time I fly American I'm listing myself as an emotional support animal.

Now in prison as a child molester, Jared Fogle is no longer on the Subway Diet but he does still manage get a 6" in his mouth several times a week.

orange

I brought an orange to work for breakfast and the peel & eat was such a squirting, leaking epic fail that my desk, computer, hands, face & shirt, are all now a sticky, citrus covered helter skelter crime scene.🍊💥🌪️

prayer

I've been asked to do a short opening Prayer at our annual corporate breakfast meeting. Where is the cheapest place to rent bongos, a fog machine, & interpretive dancers?

Due to poor timing & low blood sugar I got caught in the death star tractor beam that is Jack in the Box Drive Thru. The dark side has curly fries.

I'm gonna be

When I'm waiting in a long checkout line I quietly whisper sing "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" by The Proclaimers until the person in front of me starts humming it. #EarwormPlanted #MyJobIsDoneHere

My doctor told me to take 1 baby aspirin a day presumably because he doesn't want me to go through the headache of childbirth.

dr

For me going to the Dr for my quarterly check up is like the mechanic who changes the oil but also mentions 37 other things wrong w the car: in both cases I walk out saying,"It may be a piece of junk but atleast its still running."

weather

Technological advances in meteorologial science now allow for complete changes in the weather forecast every damn time you check it rendering the whole process pretty much useless.

If the heater on Fleetwood Mac's bus broke during their winter tour would they become Chili Mac?

Today I said Happy May Day to someone. They said May Day? I acknowledged MayDay.Then Alexa sent the Coast Guard to rescue us.

I just got a haircut. That counts as my weight loss for the day.

While being led away after hearing of his guilty verdict, it appears Bill Cosby may have sat on a Jello Chocolate Pudding Cup.

Do you think "ceiling fan installed above my cubicle" is pushing it on my office supply request list?

parked

A cop pulled up next to me and asked why I was triple parked. I told him I stopped to get a CD unstuck from my player. He gave me a ticket for parking in 1999.

I have a huge stack of work on my desk.. that is juuust the right height to be a pillow.

I have an appt for labwork that includes a urine sample so I'm hydrated & holding. In a related story, apparently l can tap dance

Ode to Whopper

 I got you 2 for 1 on Sunday, hot, ready w/ a good greasy scent.
But I was full from eating your twin, so into the fridge you went.
I ate you cold for lunch today,but no longer were you great.
For instead of hot and juicy,you were a solid steel metal plate.

colonel

Never one to shy away from attention the POTUS just signed on w/ KFC to be their next Colonal Sanders to promote their new orange chicken.

pungent

Had friends over last night and I put out a prepackaged veggie tray containing Broccoli with a smell so pungent it bordered on supernatural. But for the first minute, no one knew the smell was the broccoli and silently looked around for the culprit.

fri

Dear Friday, While I am glad to see you I'm still pissed off that it took you so long to get here. Next time try leaving the house a little earlier. Thx, DB

"Ooo eee ooo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang. Ooo eee ooo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang." - The Witch Doctor

I used to get haircuts to improve my look but now it's just to look a little less like a mad scientist.

Funny how one trip to a salad bar w/ a few odd tasting items can reprioritize your entire evening.

Thank you Walmart making plastic bags so impossible to open I spent 10 min in self check out like a monkey trying to open a locked briefcase

If I had superpowers I'd be antman.Not to fight crime,I just want to take naps in my desk drawer.

data

I got an email from a Russian Marketing company that returned all my data w/ a note saying it was too weird to use and I should seek counseling. Спасибо (thank you) for caring, comrade.

You say, "Happy Friday the 13th." I say, "welcome to my life."

I want to teach Alexa to use The Clapper just so she understands her roots.

High of 82 today. My office windows do not open & its too early for AC.Hot stuffy air WILL make me lose my cherub like demeanor.

2 kinds of people at Lowes: those of us trying to stop things from growing in our yard & those hyper to make stuff grow in theirs

Milk Duds: Because sometimes we want carmelized spackle in our teeth

sibs

Any time I touch food or drink I automatically hear the pre-recorded 11yr old nagging voice of my sister Nancy saying,"Did you wash your hands!?!" #NationalSiblingsDay

The Dollar Tree is the only store where I can go in for 1 thing but not feel bad as I fill my trunk w bags of crap 30min later

I have another very busy week ahead so if you find me napping, please just tap your horn once so I know the light turned green.

Yesterday we did the final division of my parents estate. I never would have imagined receiving such a large, generous check could make me so sad.

You say a snowy weekend in April is torture. I say the sound of my lawn mower not running is bliss.

I just gave a homeless guy a dollar and he gave me a reciept with a survey on it asking me to rate his performance.

Either it was seriously windy last night or a lady with red shoes and striped stockings was partially sleeping under my house this morning.

When voting I research & consider each tax proposal, support my party, & on random board nominees the goofiest name wins

9 years ago today, Rothman delivered my new sofa & loveseat. That's the last time any furniture starting w/ NEW entered my home

Waking up to start another work week felt like Bill Murray hearing 'I Got You Babe' for the 600th time in Groundhog Day

Once again I April Fooled myself when I told myself I'd get up early and be productive this morning. (I fall for that one every year)

pledge drives

If FB can learn my entire life just by a friend taking a Harry Potter quiz, then there must be technology that enables me to return to regular programing after I pay $20 to their damn pledge drive

I had a grilled chicken sandwich & a side salad at McDonalds for lunch. Eating healthy in there feels unnatural.

And there's the bell to start round three! Uh, I mean Wednesday. Lets start Wednesday. Yay. Go work.

I have my quarterly pest control appt at 10:30. I'm giving him an extra $20 to spray down my FB account while he's there.

sundays

I remember when Sundays were spent watching movies on the couch nursing hangovers. Now the hangover comes from surviving the work week and I'm snoring on couch in under 10 minutes.

tick tock

I'd like to sit down at my desk, sigh, and start working. Then hear transition music as the camera moves up to the forward spinning clock above me which stops at 5pm. Back down to me stretching, getting up, & going home.

cemetery

On a whim I dropped by the cemetery at lunch to visit the family plot. As I was walking up the hill a mini tornado whirlwind funnel of leaves gracefully blew past me up towards the top and dissipated. It created a very peacful feeling. #AllWeAreIsDustInTheWind

On my morning drive I successfully jumped thru 3 daily FM call-in games to AM news. At this point in my life, I'll take any win I can get.

The bulb on my lava lamp burned out. Not a problem. I know I have a spare bulb that I can't find. THIS will drive me nuts

The bulb on my lava lamp burned out. Not a problem.
I KNOW I have a spare bulb around here somewhere. THIS will drive me crazyThe bulb on my lava lamp burned out. Not a problem.
I KNOW I have a spare bulb around here somewhere. THIS will drive me crazy.The bulb on my lava lamp burned out. Not a problem.
I KNOW I have a spare bulb around here somewhere. THIS will drive me crazy.

Dear Grass & Weeds: Spring began at 11:15am but feel free to sleep in. No need to rush on that silly "growing" thing. Thx - DB

I investigated Hawking's multiverse theory and found in each parallel existance I have a different life but the same black cloud.

"2B or not 2B. That is the question." - Me trying to deliver a pizza to an apartment w/ a smudged address label

Fish Frys during Lent are to Catholic Churches as cookies are to the Girl Scouts: A huge financial profit originating from guilt

80sFM

If you were a teen or adolescent in St. Louis in the early 80s chances are you listed to Pillow Talk on 96FM. There was no better source for recording songs for that all encompassing crush mix tape you were making.

In a world, populated only by superheros & supervillains, lives Irving, an ordinary guy, who works in a bowling alley.This is his story...

The American Pie Council wishes you a Happy Pi Day but urges you to celebrate responsibly

I wish there were two of me so I could get all my work done but since I don't like myself one of us would end up calling HR

Hardees Thickburger Combo: We promise to shorten your lifespan by a year or your money back.

Everyone is giving Alexa complex instructions to run their house while I'm still really impressed when I clap twice and my lamp goes on.

Thank God for urination. Without it, I'd get no exercise at all during the day

And then the Lord said,"When you saw only one set of footprints it was then that I carried you.And now my back hurts.Thanks alot"

And then the Lord said,"When you saw only one set of footprints it was then that I carried you.And now my back hurts.Thanks alot"

woodpecker

Last few weeks a woodpecker has been pecking my front shutter sending morse code sounds thru the house. Twice now I dreamt I was recieving a distress call from the Titanic.

one last winter blast

On my drive home last night I went from amused to concerned to freaked out as a few snowflakes turned into a complete white out road covering storm in under 10min. #StLouisWeatherIsBipolar

cameras

I'm going to install security camera inside my house & put a monitor screen outside my front door so potential burglars can verify there's nothing in there worth taking. #SavesEveryoneTime

muppets

Say what you will about the Muppets but I'm yet to see a single news story about any of them in rehab or arrested for domestic abuse. #ThemPuppetsWuzRaisedRight!

I don't care about self-driving or wifi features on new cars. Find me one that does slow motion General Lee jumps & we have a deal

lift

The elevator repair guys currently in my office gave me a blank stare when I asked how much extra it would cost to turn it into a Wonkavator. (I'm still hoping for a surprise next time I step in there.)

My taxes loom over my head like an overdue bookreport on a boring novel I haven't even started yet.

I would have made a crappy cowboy hero because nothing aggravates me more than driving off into the sunset.

Dear Vending Machine that doesn't take credit cards: My diabetes thanks you but my sweet tooth is flipping you off.

what I'd rather see

Every year TCM shows 30 days of Oscar nominated films so I propose that TLC (the brains that gave us Honey Boo Boo) should compete each year with 30 days Razzies:The Worst Films Ever Made.

Complaint: The sun is shining for the first time in weeks yet here I sit at the office.

Truth: It's nice to have a legitimate excuse for being too lazy to go out & exercise.

guns/teachers/lunch

I'm eating lunch at BreadCo and the guys at the table to my right were saying how they should not only arm the teachers but every student as well. The lady at the table on my left said that teachers are trained to teach and are not prepared to make life/death decisions or deal with the consequences if things go bad. #IllHaveWhatShesHaving

When changing the water cooler jug don't put the empty one at your feet to trip on when you pick up the full one.#OneManJitterBug

That's IT Squeeky Windshield Wiper! Either shut up & do your job or I'm turning this car around! Don't MAKE me go up there!

On a cold February night in 1986, we were all ordered to Wang Chung, but I said NO and I survived. So many didn't. #NeverForget

Will all the stretches of highway that have been adopted someday go looking for their real parents?

Female skaters losing their tops & steroid curling busts(Hulk curl!) is almost enough to make me care about the olympics. ALMOST.

rain

I got gas at lunch in the pouring rain. To stay dry I pulled under the center overhang w/out realizing I was right next to an overflowing gutter spout. So I quietly cursed my life as I stood & pumped gas in 3" of rushing water. #BlackCloud #WetShoes