If my view of the Blue Super Moon was obstructed does that mean the cloud was his secret identity? #OurHeroDisguisedAsAMildManneredCumulusCloud

Thank you smoke detector for picking 2am to start your low battery chirps making me dream there was a bird in my room all night

They should market a line of condoms for teenage boys and call them what they are: WISHFUL THINKING

I'm too old for the Grammys so there should be an alternative program on about stars of the 80s/90s & how poorly they've aged.

If its "Public Water", what the hell did I just pay $14.26 for?

join the DS

'Although he was a jedi master and lived to be 900, Yoda STILL couldn't use the force well enough to fix his verbal dyslexia. Come join the Dark Side.. we can form a proper sentence.' - approved by Kylo Ren & paid for by the First Order

Why is it OK for a grown man to be a model train enthusiast but if I want a HotWheels track I'm a man-child? #MaturityBlows

Until the caffeine kicks in every morning I feel like a 3rd grader who accidentally wandered into advanced trig

I'm tired so to wake up I walked around the mall at lunch. You can get pretty far when you have no where to go.

Wanting to sing the theme song to Two & A Half Men but can't remember the damn lyrics.

tide pod

Attention all teens taking the Tide Pod Challenge: Did you hear about the NEWEST social media craze? Its called Jump Off a High Cliff and only the coolest, most radical kids are doing it. So awesome!! #TryingToRescueTheGenePool

make it so

I bought a thrift store box set of season 3 of Star Trek: Next Generation and have been watching them during my daily cigar. I've realized that for a 30 year old show, it's aged MUCH better than I have.

Dear RightGuard: Thanks for your fine product, but how much longer til LeftGaurd is released? My other pit wreaks somehting awful

last cake

The last cake mix (and as far as I know last bit of food) from my Mom's house. (She'd have done much better w it.) Technically it's lemon but it feels more like a goodbye to "home" cake.

I set up a musty old film screen & even older home movie projector. Now my house smells like an antique shop w/ a leaky roof.

weight loss

If I can convince all the fast food to make their drive thru serice cash only again for 6 months I'll bet I can lose 30 pounds. (Provided I get an electric shock every time I touch an ATM)

Drinking the leftover half mug of tea I left on my desk yesterday. #ThePerfectMarriageOfLazyAndCheap

Thank God for the dentist's office. If not for them how else would I keep up w/ Cat in the Hat, Golf Digest, & Good Housekeeping?

I bought a window insulation kit from $Tree, lost it, bought it again, lost that too. I'm sure I'll find them both come July.

Install guy:The WORST thing you can do to this machine is make copies with lid up. Me: You have NO idea

Chapstick is like an everlasting gobstopper. It never runs out. I either lose it or find it melted but never saw one end.

Thinking I need more exercise when flossing leaves me out of breath.

When its cold I wear a ratty old cardigan sweater around the house but I can't put it on w/out singing the Mr. Rogers theme song

its coming

"WINTER IS COMING" - House Stark Meteorology Dept.
Today's Forecast for St. Louis:: Early High Near 62, Then Rapidly Dropping Temperatures in the Late Afternoon and Evening. Mild, windy & cloudy w light rain. Then, late afternoon expect a rapid cool down into the 30s. Watch for light rain to change to sleet, snow, and/or freezing rain in the evening. A light glaze and under 1" of snow/sleet possible Thursday evening and night, higher chances near and just east/southeast of St. Louis where heavier wintry mix will be possible..Tonight: 10s. Much colder. Sleet/snow continue w accumulations of 2" possible.

the cart!!!

I miss the days in school when the teacher wheeled in the TV or movie projector cart for class. Entertainment beats learning every time. Why can't my office do that? And those HR videos don't count! (No matter how many times they make me watch them)

Dear 3 month old half eaten bag of Tostitos: Others may call you "expired" but I call you "experienced" #ISEEYou

I still burn CDs to listen to in the car.. mostly because it really seems to upset people for some reason.

wah wah wah wah

I always wondered if Charlie Brown's teacher had children until I heard a clerk in a 2 way radio conversation at Target, a police dispatcher, & 83% of drive thru workers. So many in fact, she not only had a kid but apparently she was kind of a whore.

Its above freezing for the 1rst time in weeks and people are slowly emerging like the munchkins after the house dropped.

"Fire and Fury" by Michael Wolff should also be released as a pop-up book. But the scratch n sniff idea? #NotSoMuch

I almost flipped over trying to lean back in my office chair when the recline was locked. #PushingOnThePullDoor

Sometimes I engage in & win various verbal jousts all day long while other days the best I can do is match stares w/ a lava lamp.

Sometimes I engage in & win various verbal jousts all day long while other days the best I can do is match stares w/ a lava lamp.

Fighting off the bug in my office by constant use of Purell, but my hand now has a papercut. #PainOrFlu? #BringThePain

Welcome back to the grind, but look at the bright side: only 146 more days until Memorial Day vacation