lift

The elevator repair guys currently in my office gave me a blank stare when I asked how much extra it would cost to turn it into a Wonkavator. (I'm still hoping for a surprise next time I step in there.)

My taxes loom over my head like an overdue bookreport on a boring novel I haven't even started yet.

I would have made a crappy cowboy hero because nothing aggravates me more than driving off into the sunset.

Dear Vending Machine that doesn't take credit cards: My diabetes thanks you but my sweet tooth is flipping you off.

what I'd rather see

Every year TCM shows 30 days of Oscar nominated films so I propose that TLC (the brains that gave us Honey Boo Boo) should compete each year with 30 days Razzies:The Worst Films Ever Made.

Complaint: The sun is shining for the first time in weeks yet here I sit at the office.

Truth: It's nice to have a legitimate excuse for being too lazy to go out & exercise.

guns/teachers/lunch

I'm eating lunch at BreadCo and the guys at the table to my right were saying how they should not only arm the teachers but every student as well. The lady at the table on my left said that teachers are trained to teach and are not prepared to make life/death decisions or deal with the consequences if things go bad. #IllHaveWhatShesHaving

When changing the water cooler jug don't put the empty one at your feet to trip on when you pick up the full one.#OneManJitterBug

That's IT Squeeky Windshield Wiper! Either shut up & do your job or I'm turning this car around! Don't MAKE me go up there!

On a cold February night in 1986, we were all ordered to Wang Chung, but I said NO and I survived. So many didn't. #NeverForget

Will all the stretches of highway that have been adopted someday go looking for their real parents?

Female skaters losing their tops & steroid curling busts(Hulk curl!) is almost enough to make me care about the olympics. ALMOST.

rain

I got gas at lunch in the pouring rain. To stay dry I pulled under the center overhang w/out realizing I was right next to an overflowing gutter spout. So I quietly cursed my life as I stood & pumped gas in 3" of rushing water. #BlackCloud #WetShoes

disco sucks

I've toured Funkytown, hosed down the Disco Inferno, and taken Advil after The Hustle but could not find any lyrics w/ meaning deeper than a coffee saucer. I see now all the regulars from Studio 54 ended up in rehab for coke & pills.They had gold chains, silk, and bedazzling but no SOUL. 

I ate two fish sandwiches at lunch despite how much I hate fish. Damn You 2 for $5 Deal!! Damn you to hell.

From baby aspirin to icecream truck Push-Ups to Tang to Smoothies to Metamucil: A lifetime made up of orange flavoring.

You are in the midst of life. Do not seek death; it will find you. But choose the road that makes death a fulfillment. - Lost Horizon (1973)

Moe from the 3 Stooges administered my Ash Wednesday ashes this morning by poking my eye.#BOINK! #SLAP! #SpreadOut!

Fat Tuesday

(Standing in my white suit next to my matching midget companion as a raise a glass to the skinny people around me): I am Mr. Bornholdt, your host. Welcome to Fat Tuesday!

"The blood of Uranus can never be destroyed!" -Zantas, Priest of Uranus/ Hercules and the Captive Women (1961)

coupon

I HATE it when they refuse to take my coupon at the drive thru. Hey lady, this says Buy a Whopper Get One Free. I don't CARE if this IS the Walgreen's Pharmacy

It now costs $135 for a 1 day ticket to Disneyland! For that I want a free meal,magic pixie dust,& a peek at Walt's frozen head

where I grew up

1 year ago today I took Mom out of her house to the ER after a fall. She never returned. My brother Jim now owns it, which is only fitting considering my parents stopped on their way home from the hospital w/ him to check on its construction progress.

why

Why does a loving God allow disease & suffering? Why is there no answer to the meaning of existence? Why was the movie Xanadu so bad yet the soundtrack so good? #UniversalImbalances

OK Winter Olympics.. lets get this over with

Had a few panicked minutes at dinner when I thought I lost my visa card. Seems this is a good meal topper because it quickly sped up my digestive track.

I would have more enthusiasm about my 10am Neurlologist appointment if the office was located inside a Dunkin' Donuts.

raisin

The first raisin was just a really old grape that some guy ate on a dare by his roomate. Fun Fact: same guy died eating the dead roach next to said raisin. #TheMoreYouKnow

Ever notice that the anticipation of getting in your car and driving home from work is much better than actually doing it?

heaven

We all arrive in Heaven in the form of our best time of life, which makes it harder to recognize each other.Thus the reason for those annoying 'Hello My Name is..' stickers at registration.

Either its time for me to get new glasses or there is a new rule that all small wording is now written in Klingon

groundhog day

After eating his 2nd Big Mac, Punxsutawney Phil tweeted from his bed at 4am: 'Christmas is terrible and so overated. Sad. Groundhog day is the highest rated holiday ever. I am God. Only I can control the weather. WeatherChannel is fake news.'

With all the flu germs in there I admit I might have over done the Purell a little when I went into the doctors office for my check up.