I just got a haircut. That counts as my weight loss for the day.

While being led away after hearing of his guilty verdict, it appears Bill Cosby may have sat on a Jello Chocolate Pudding Cup.

Do you think "ceiling fan installed above my cubicle" is pushing it on my office supply request list?

parked

A cop pulled up next to me and asked why I was triple parked. I told him I stopped to get a CD unstuck from my player. He gave me a ticket for parking in 1999.

I have a huge stack of work on my desk.. that is juuust the right height to be a pillow.

I have an appt for labwork that includes a urine sample so I'm hydrated & holding. In a related story, apparently l can tap dance

Ode to Whopper

 I got you 2 for 1 on Sunday, hot, ready w/ a good greasy scent.
But I was full from eating your twin, so into the fridge you went.
I ate you cold for lunch today,but no longer were you great.
For instead of hot and juicy,you were a solid steel metal plate.

colonel

Never one to shy away from attention the POTUS just signed on w/ KFC to be their next Colonal Sanders to promote their new orange chicken.

pungent

Had friends over last night and I put out a prepackaged veggie tray containing Broccoli with a smell so pungent it bordered on supernatural. But for the first minute, no one knew the smell was the broccoli and silently looked around for the culprit.

fri

Dear Friday, While I am glad to see you I'm still pissed off that it took you so long to get here. Next time try leaving the house a little earlier. Thx, DB

"Ooo eee ooo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang. Ooo eee ooo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang." - The Witch Doctor

I used to get haircuts to improve my look but now it's just to look a little less like a mad scientist.

Funny how one trip to a salad bar w/ a few odd tasting items can reprioritize your entire evening.

Thank you Walmart making plastic bags so impossible to open I spent 10 min in self check out like a monkey trying to open a locked briefcase

If I had superpowers I'd be antman.Not to fight crime,I just want to take naps in my desk drawer.

data

I got an email from a Russian Marketing company that returned all my data w/ a note saying it was too weird to use and I should seek counseling. Спасибо (thank you) for caring, comrade.

You say, "Happy Friday the 13th." I say, "welcome to my life."

I want to teach Alexa to use The Clapper just so she understands her roots.

High of 82 today. My office windows do not open & its too early for AC.Hot stuffy air WILL make me lose my cherub like demeanor.

2 kinds of people at Lowes: those of us trying to stop things from growing in our yard & those hyper to make stuff grow in theirs

Milk Duds: Because sometimes we want carmelized spackle in our teeth

sibs

Any time I touch food or drink I automatically hear the pre-recorded 11yr old nagging voice of my sister Nancy saying,"Did you wash your hands!?!" #NationalSiblingsDay

The Dollar Tree is the only store where I can go in for 1 thing but not feel bad as I fill my trunk w bags of crap 30min later

I have another very busy week ahead so if you find me napping, please just tap your horn once so I know the light turned green.

Yesterday we did the final division of my parents estate. I never would have imagined receiving such a large, generous check could make me so sad.

You say a snowy weekend in April is torture. I say the sound of my lawn mower not running is bliss.

I just gave a homeless guy a dollar and he gave me a reciept with a survey on it asking me to rate his performance.

Either it was seriously windy last night or a lady with red shoes and striped stockings was partially sleeping under my house this morning.

When voting I research & consider each tax proposal, support my party, & on random board nominees the goofiest name wins

9 years ago today, Rothman delivered my new sofa & loveseat. That's the last time any furniture starting w/ NEW entered my home

Waking up to start another work week felt like Bill Murray hearing 'I Got You Babe' for the 600th time in Groundhog Day

Once again I April Fooled myself when I told myself I'd get up early and be productive this morning. (I fall for that one every year)