bad day

So far today I spent an hour on a online form that erased itself when I tried to send it, I slipped on some loose dog food kibble in my kitchen, and I got pulled over on the way back from lunch. #LeaveMeAloneImCrabby

remake

They were working on a remake of "Adventures in Babysitting" but the update involved too much gunplay & heroin abuse before the story even got out of the suburbs.

I don't know where he got it but the fly that kept buzzing past my ear on my way to lunch had a light saber and some skills. #TheForceIsStrongInThisBug

I may look like I'm deep in thought at my desk but I'm actually in a self-induced sleep coma.

digitial grads

Wondering how much longer until HS & College graduation ceremonies are 100% Skyped w/ digitally distributed diplomas? (Cap & gown can be digitially added to photos of your pajama clad graduate for an additional fee)

95 degrees automatically eliminates 80% of what I am willing to do today. Global Warming.. making life simpler.

Hot cheese, meet my mouth. Top of my mouth, meet hot cheese. Goodbye top of my mouth.

I woke up this morning with YMCA by The Village People playing on repeat in my head and it hasn't stopped. Why does God hate me?

nananananananananananana

Dear Basic Cable, Who do I talk to about ordering a Six Million Dollar Man/Bionic Woman Memorial Day Weekend Marathon? Why? Because slow-motion, cheap props, & 70s sound effects are way cooler than CGI. Thanks, Dave

Pro: I enjoyed a relaxing lunch in the park today Con: I think I brought some new friends back to the office with me.

Nothing is like that last minute of school before summer vacation feeling. Then again I've never escaped from a prison so that might be comparable.

Clearly I'm not as young as I used to be because a little old lady just offered to help me cross the street.

Wondering if I'll ever be rich enough to replace the soap in the shower before the bar is paper thin.

Next time I fly American I'm listing myself as an emotional support animal.

Now in prison as a child molester, Jared Fogle is no longer on the Subway Diet but he does still manage get a 6" in his mouth several times a week.

orange

I brought an orange to work for breakfast and the peel & eat was such a squirting, leaking epic fail that my desk, computer, hands, face & shirt, are all now a sticky, citrus covered helter skelter crime scene.🍊💥🌪️

prayer

I've been asked to do a short opening Prayer at our annual corporate breakfast meeting. Where is the cheapest place to rent bongos, a fog machine, & interpretive dancers?

Due to poor timing & low blood sugar I got caught in the death star tractor beam that is Jack in the Box Drive Thru. The dark side has curly fries.

I'm gonna be

When I'm waiting in a long checkout line I quietly whisper sing "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" by The Proclaimers until the person in front of me starts humming it. #EarwormPlanted #MyJobIsDoneHere

My doctor told me to take 1 baby aspirin a day presumably because he doesn't want me to go through the headache of childbirth.

dr

For me going to the Dr for my quarterly check up is like the mechanic who changes the oil but also mentions 37 other things wrong w the car: in both cases I walk out saying,"It may be a piece of junk but atleast its still running."

weather

Technological advances in meteorologial science now allow for complete changes in the weather forecast every damn time you check it rendering the whole process pretty much useless.

If the heater on Fleetwood Mac's bus broke during their winter tour would they become Chili Mac?

Today I said Happy May Day to someone. They said May Day? I acknowledged MayDay.Then Alexa sent the Coast Guard to rescue us.