On 108 heat index/80% humidity days I like to take my lunch and go watch joggers burst into flames

I found a plush towel set I got as a gift 19 yrs ago but saved "as good towels". Screw it. Life is short. Now its like I'm drying w/ shag carpet. #PimpLife

DMV

I just renewed my driver's license and when I looked into their viewmaster I was told to read the top line:QOCTRNOCDU! I think I was cursing in Klingon but I said it. I even threw a little Worf stank on the accent. (Driving requirements have changed)

You know its going to be a hot, muggy day when at 8am the air already feels like the inside of a just returned bowling shoe

In a disaster movie I'd be the guy who gets in a few lines of sarcasm early on and then be one of the first to get killed.

ride

Dreamed I died and an escalator appeared to take me to heaven. On the way up instead of harps they played 'Here I Go Again' by Whitesnake. According to St. Peter it's a fan favorite and they got the rights super cheap.

Unless my cellphone breaks I have no interest in upgrading it.I'm very slow to move onto the next big thing. My rubik's cube is still only solved on two sides.

sniff sniff

I'm working on a cologne that smells like funnel cake, corndog, cotton candy & snow cones and call it CARNY. The logo will be a smile with a few missing teeth.

Mechanic Time Zone Change: When they tell you it will only take 45 min then 1 hr 30 min later they call your name.

I'd play Monopoly more if the game came with a spray bottle to inflict hurricane damage to other player's properties.

ssshh

Q:What's more annoying than being hunted by a mutant dinosaur?
A: Spending $11.15 to see Jurassic World 2 and sitting next to a lady holding her 11month old (cooing) baby and talking to it, her husband, and the screen (in Japanese) during the entire movie

made it

This morning I saw 3 different traffic stops w/ multiple cop cars each. Even though I was doing nothing wrong when I made it to my destinaiton I felt like I just successfully smuggled myself from east to west germany. #GoingUnderTheWall

The guy in the car next to me was brushing his teeth this morning. I made sure to get in front of him before it was time to rinse, spit, & floss

back

Due to a minor backache I should be allowed Jack&Coke at my desk for medicinal purposes. You're right, that's not medicinal.. forget the Coke.

movie seat

My movie seat last night had a heater button I didn't know was there until I roasted my behind and a power button that rested on my phone clip so the slightest movement rapidly threw me into full recline. I felt like a rocket being prepped for launch.

POV

I thought about retracing some of my childhood family road trips but since I was sitting backwards in the back of the wagon only seeing the back side of road signs I have no idea where we went.

so much farther to go

We have technologically advanced to self driving cars, verbal command computers that run our homes, and skies full of spy drones, but we can't invent a smoke alarm that won't go off when I make toast.

"I'm writing a book on insanity. They say you should write about something you know." - Dom DeLuise/The End

ticket

I just pled GUILTY in municipal court in order to do an online
payment for a $10 seat belt violation. Damn it feels good to be a gangster. 😎 #LadiesLoveABadBoy

Ever play air-hockey w/ someone who zips the puck right past you into your goal before you even see it?That puck is my day so far

Flag Day

I can't remember my morgage rate or most of my previous addresses but my first thought this morning was that its flag day. Thanks a lot brain. THAT'S what you retained.

If they just build a network of Log Flumes that connect throughout the city I would be more inclined to pay for public transport. Is that too much to ask? .

I was doing a post floss gargle when I hiccupped and nearly waterboarded myself w/ Listerine. How do you get blue stains off of a bathroom ceiling?

pie

When FB shows me 37 step videos on how make complicated desserts I hit reply and show the frozen pie section at Walmart, then my cart, then my debit card.

creek

Gravois Creek: my home away from home from age 9-14. My friends and I explored miles & miles of this place finding weird rocks, rusty artifacts, minows & crawdads without any stranger danger encounters. They say God looks after fools and children so I was double protected.

There is a time when I jump out of bed ready to go, but that time is usually 3am & involves the bathroom or a leg cramp.

bio

- Tell us about yourself Mr. Bornholdt.
- I was born in the wagon of a travelin' show.My mama used to dance for the money they'd throw.Papa would do whatever he could..Preach a little gospel, sell a couple bottles of Doctor good.
-Thank you for Chering

I found a crack in my basement foundation wall. I either need to patch it or prepare for the volcanic eruption that is forthcoming from under my house.

If you close your eyes and listen to the sounds of a busy playground it sounds like a prison riot on helium

There is something irritating my eyes this morning.. they're open.

ihop

We dropped by IHop for dessert last night. Their AC was busted and Curtis, our waiter/recent grad/disgruntled employee was NOT having it. He told us all about how he is about to quit, and then went outside and lay on the ground to deal with his anxiety. We appreciate the share Curtis but could we go ahead and order first?