Keeping unused cookbooks on your bookshelf is like saving college textbooks from dropped classes the bookstore wouldn't buy back.

I used to be able to do The Worm but now I just do the slug.

Dear Hanna-Barbera & Robert Zemeckis: It's 2018. Where the hell is my flying car? Promises were made dammit!

rock n roll heaven

Dreamed I was in Heaven buying a ticket for a concert featuring Sam Cooke, Elvis, John Denver, & Barry Manilow. When I told the StubHub angel guy Manilow was still alive he just said,"Give it a minute."

If I stacked all the work I have backed up after my vacation, stood on top & jumped off, it would be the end of me. #CatchingUp

I've actually said the words,"I remember when fax machines were cool."

I'm going to open a store that only sells vibrators and call it "You Do You"

Whenever I wear something bought at Good Will I wonder if I'm wearing a dead guy's clothes.

My office chair needs a seatbelt so it keeps me safe everyday after lunch when I hit a wall.

Today is Friday the 13th so if you're a teenager at camp about to have sex you'd better make it good cause it will be your last

admission

On a deathbed confession my grandfather admitted that in 1973 HE was the one who gave that woman the notion to Rock the Boat. Now the Hues Corporation can finally stop asking and move on.

Facebook is like stepping into a river. It's always moving so I can never find the same post twice.(& you see stuff that scares u)

12pm Foundation Repair Estimate right into 1pm Pest Control w/ a House Cleaner arriving right in the middle. #SuperFunLunchHour

Dave

A friend in Europe just saw and sent me this pic. Glad to see we Daves continue to keep good will humor alive on an international basis. (I'm looking forward to attending the Global Dave Summit in Sweden this November)

Some mornings I feel like a one armed man who got entered in a ladder climbing contest.

I like bratwurst, despite the fact that they are really ashen, sickly looking hotdogs. Is bratwurst one of the 50 shades of grey?

What is it about road trips that makes me buy junk food items I haven't purchased on a regular basis since I was 12?

suprise

Thank you Aaron Meisner for putting Snap&Pops under the toilet seat in the mens room. The explosion when I sat down made me accomplish my task MUCH faster. 🚽💣💥😱😖🤗💩

At 16 I had strength, energy,& optimism. At almost 49 it takes all of my strength&energy just to remember what optimism was.

I prefer night to day, hate cutting grass, like it cold, OK just watching TV & floating. Its decided. I'm retiring on the moon.

Happy July 5th.. otherwise known as a throw away holiday

The booming concussions from neighborhood fireworks are making my Clapper turn my lamp off & on.It takes very little to amuse me.

I've heard of people lost in the desert dying of exposure in less than 3 days. As much as I hate heat I could accomplish that in under 2 hours.#Winning

Bed,Bath, & BEYOND would have made a great working title for the movie Poltergeist

This year is the 15th anniversary of my 15 year highschool reunion.

night sounds

Why does my hearing, which isn't great, turn bionic when I can't sleep? At 2am I heard the downstairs faucet drip, my neighbors phone ring, a red neck shooting fireworks blocks away,&someone farting downtown.

canada day

I would like to say #HappyCanadaDay to our neighbors up north and apologize again for the asinine stuff our idiot stepdad yelled over the fence at you guys. He does not speak for our family & we think he's a schmuck too. PS - I think he's been stealing your morning paper so you have my permission to turn the sprinkler on him.