back in the saddle

Its been almost 8 years since I was on stage but I just got cast as Uncle Billy in Next Generation's production of Its a Wonderful Life this December. We'll see if there is any talent left in the bottom of my rusted old tank. May God have mercy on our souls.

Am I the only one who can switch dreams at night by rolling over? Its the dream equivalent of a CD changer.

Everyday my coworker tells me stories about her cats.I now demand each night she tells her cats stories about me. #EqualTime

FB dessert videos

Why would I waste 15 Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, 10 other ingredients, & 13 labor intensive prep steps to make a dessert that tastes like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups in the first place?

When I'm in a bad mood it aggravates me when someone tells me to have a Blessed day. Peddle your exorcism somewhere else padre.

2 accident road closurers forced me to reroute to the left this morning.One more would left have routed me back home.So close

why I don't play lotto

If I won the lottery and quit my job I'd eventually go nuts from boredom. If at work I'm Fozzie Bear, on weekends I become Mr. Snuffleupagus, in retirement I'd morph into Jabba the Hutt.

I miss my younger, more invulnerable days when I could afford to zone out during health insurance changeover meetings.

My house is never more inviting than when I can only run in to grab something & leave.Must be why burglars appreciate nice stuff.

Dear American Express, Since global warming is melting the polar ice cap, why is my account still frozen? - Dave B

Some mondays start like a jet taking flight but this one feels more like a car driving off a cliff.

Held open a door for a Mom carrying her toddler. The Mom thanked me & walked by just as the kid sneezes into my face. #GermCloud

In space no one can hear you scream, but what's the ruling on flatulence?

warm blanket

Nothing feels better than sleeping under a blanket the first cold night of fall.(Full disclosure: some things actually DO feel better but for legal reasons I can't mention them here)

check up

Saw my neurologist this morning who tightened my bolts, checked my battery, & hit my tires w/ a tuning fork. He declared I'm still somewhat road worthy and sent me back out on the streets.

dark web

The dark web is:
1) Why I scream "get it off me!" when I go into the attic
2) the other side of the matrix
3) described in detail in every Rights&Responsibilities you scroll past and click OK on w/out reading.

I have no skeletons in my closet but I do have Jimmy Hoffa's wristwatch in my desk drawer.

mcd

Thanks McDonalds for the overdone sausage bisquit, dried out hashbrown, and overcooked apple pie. Seems the new slogan is: BaDaDaPaDa.. I'm Burnin' This!

Brunch is a dangerous place so I always grab some extra sharp cheddar in case I need to cut a bitch. #word

We had tacos last night because we prefer to celebrate National Taco Day Eve.

Venus is the hottest planet in our solar system w/ an average temp of 735 while St. Louis MO is a close 2nd w/ a muggy 93 in Oct

New fall TV shows are like bad horror movie characters: you know most won't survive and a few are actually fun to see killed.

I like to take big Sam's carts into The Dollar Tree to shop so it feels like I'm driving a moster truck.🚘Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

Of all of the technological updates of the last 50 yrs,I believe the internet has ultimately done more harm than good to mankind