I'm having trouble with my grammer this afternoon. I can't seem to turn being at work into working.

You hear the Sesame Street theme song.I hear a lost,frightened child wandering the streets of New York since 1969 w/out directions.

When the time comes for my life to flash before my eyes I'm calling dibs on holding the remote

This morning I microwaved my mug before I put the water in it, poked myself in the eye w/ my toothbrush, & trapped my arm in my seatbelt. Not even 9am yet.

musical infidelity

Rupert Holmes' Escape(The Pina Colada Song) is really just a musical episode of "Cheaters" minus the unpublished final verse involving lawers, entrapment, and a bloody showdown at O'Mally's.

worst part of a haircut

Dear Great Clips: I'm willing to pay an extra $2 upfront on my haircut if we can waive the sales pitch for your shampoo and products. We both know I'm never going to do more than "think about it."

Girl Scout Thin Mints: I bought you under the guise of charity but we both know this is about how long I can resist your siren song from inside my freezer.