flood water brings good water memory

Crashed at my Mom's while I'm a flood refugee and used the same basement shower I used growing up. It still has the power of an elephant washing fire hose and ruined me for every other shower since. Nice to know some things actually are as good as we remember.

44 closed due to flood/traffic snarled/successful backroads shortcut/5yrs of pizza delivery got me more than a greasy car smell

Dear California: We have had 8" of rain in 3 days. You are welcome to come get as much as you need. BYOB. Enjoy! Sincerely, Your Midwestern Cousin, St. Louis

Coming back to work from a week's vacation feels like the last few feet of a skydive when the chute didn't open.

It's several kinds of weird to Christmas shop in a store with people dressed in equal parts shorts, t shirts, sweaters, jackets, and coats.

Twas the night..

And then in a moment I heard on the roof, the prancing and pawing of each little hoof. So I shook my head, sighed and did mutter, "Looks like another morning cleaning reindeer poop out of my gutter."

I don't want to say it's raining a lot but I just passed by a boat store next to a swollen creek having a liquidation sale.

Based on my experience so far I'm thinking Windows 10 was brought to us by isis

chillin

Took some time to sit, relax, and look around as the Saturday sunlight shined in.. revealing dust, dirty windows, and paint chipping from my ceiling. This is why I don't like to take time to sit, relax, and look around.

Santa, all I want this Christmas is a referral to a dentist who can painlessly locate & disconnect the nerves in my sweet tooth. Your pal, Dave

In a UFC cage fight btwn Mickey Mouse & Alvin the Chipmunk, Mickey might have unlimited training $ but I give the edge to Alvin because he fights dirty.

WARNING: The hallway in accounting has just been been stripped & waxed.Please remember to get a running start prior to doing your slip'n'slide belly dive.

A Long Long Time Ago (zzzzzz)

38 years ago I saw Star Wars for the first time. It was the late 2nd feature at Ronnie's Drive in. I was 7 and struggled to stay awake. Ironically, I'll have the same problem for this one.

haiku

My thoughts on Haiku:
Don't say "Bless You" afterwards.
You do not rhyme them.

what the hell is that?

Last night I noticed a Jurassic World looking, poker chip sized, combination moth/roach/velociraptor on my hallway wall. Instead of fleeing when I tried to swat it, the thing attacked me like a Japanese pilot at Pearl Harbor. It's still in there somewhere so I'm carrying a flame thrower in the house until we settle this thing.

Is it lazy that I think a spear gun, some test line, and an electric winch would make bringing in the garbage cans much more fun?

I'm waiting on someone to become outraged that they were singing along to Mack the Knife when they suddenly realize its about a serial killer.

JJ Abrams arranged for every 100th Star Wars film reel sent to theaters to have a French dubbed vocal track.

In a world of Apple Watches I'm pretty much a VHS tape.

Some might say my role in having a desk close to the front door is that of ambassador, but I know it for what it is... cannon fodder.

As I lay in the dentist chair staring up at the bright light with my mouth open I realize what a deer looks like a split second before he is hit by the truck

winter heat

Today, December 12, I mulched leaves wearing shorts and a t-shirt and sweated the whole time. Welcome to our St Louis holiday special: "CHRISTMAS FROM THE SURFACE OF THE SUN". Brought to you by your friends at 'Global Warming'. Remember our slogan, "if it's hot.. it's Global Warming!"

Just once I'd like to see a serious dramatic film include a gag reel with the credits.

Once again I dreamed my car was either stripped or stolen from the same garage so from now on my subconscious is looking for a new place to park.

trump

Donald Trump is like that arrogant kid in grade school who made impossible promises while trying to get elected class president like longer recess, no more math, and free tequila shots on taco Tuesdays

my top list item

Dear Santa: Please bring me the DELUXE Evel Knievel Stunt Cycle set including: cycle, figure, launcher, baseball bat, spare body cast, whiskey flask, replaceable liver, and handcuffs. Thanks, Dave B

So, Sister Christian by Night Ranger is REALLY the story of a nun trying to negotiate air plane ticket and rental car rates?

Middle age is like Christmas lights. Body aches & pains don't end, they just move around & flicker in varying locations.

Going to be one of those days when I'm way more like Larry than Moe.

too darn hot for holidays

Dear Mr. Freeze Miser,
Sixty-eight degrees in St. Louis on December 11th? Really?
Hope you realize the Heat Miser is kicking your iced-behind so far this season. Come Mr. F!!! Get into the damn game!! Show me some proper winter weather! Stop playing Candy Crush and frigging FOCUS man!! Thanks, Dave B

The saddest Christmas gift I've ever searched for is for the woman who used to know everything but now won't even remember what she was given.

Wondering if the surviving members of Queen would mind if I opened up a baby-furniture store called 'We Will Rock You'.

Today marks 15 years since my last cigarette. That's a lot of Marlboro miles not traveled.

Wilma!!!!!!!

Had some prime rib last night at Sam's Steakhouse that was so big it looked like something from the Flintstones. Tasted great but a day later my body is still trying to yabba dabba digest it.

My entire Christmas savings account has to go towards hospital bills so I'm trying to find all my list items for Macy's & Amazon at The Dollar Tree & Goodwill.

"..sometimes we all do things that, well, just don't make no sense." - Forest Gump

Hit my head on the stair-rail when I turned to hear a coming trail while tying my shoe. I'm a smooooth mac daddy.

NP (north pole) news

Santa Claus was forced to resign his position today after weeks of reindeer protesting calling for his dismissal. When asked what Santa did wrong, Blitzen, speaker for the reindeer group, said,"Rudolph's overt nose and widespread popularity made us feel uncomfortable. The North Pole is supposed to be a Safe Place. This is the red suited man's fault." And with that Christmas is cancelled. Back to you Bob.

Looking for the button on Google Maps that supplies step by step directions for getting out of awkward conversations.

Today I'm thankful that I 'll never have to deal with the superficial trappings of stardom.. mainly because I don't want to be referred to as D-Bo.

The story of my life would be an unwatchably boring movie but I bet they could find enough clips to make a pretty damn funny preview.

Vacation, Thanksgiving, and road trip eating excuses all expired. I am a recaptured prisoner being led back into the prison of low carbs.

cold case

I'm not a morning person, so to make sure I didn't forget to grab an item from the freezer for work, I put my car keys in there all night. I remembered the item but my heart stopped for 12 seconds when I put the keys in my pants pocket

Today was my 10 year anniversary with my company. So far they still haven't figured out I have no idea what I'm doing.

I suspect my elf on the shelf is a terrorist sleeper cell.