key

6 keys on my keychain: 4 I use, 1 I never use, & 1 I think goes to a lock in a now demolished building. But since I'm not sure it will stay on there forever.

it is ... alive

Once upon a time, he was my inseparable childhood companion,🐻💓👶 but now he has been awakened by dark forces, escaped his storage confines, and roams the earth in search of your soul. #WelcomeToYourTeddyNightmare

cake

I should not have to dress up, buy a gift, sit thru a ceremony, a rubbery chicken breast, and 2 long boring toasts just to get a slice of Wedding Cake. Its time this item became a standard dessert option. #MarriageSchmarriageJustGiveMeTheDamnCake

twice

Feeling especially bad for the people who moved to Houston after being displaced by Katrina in 05. If they can prove they were victims of both ordeals I say they should get a Double Indemnity insurance payout.

You know what this country needs? Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure On Ice

As soon as I put the gum in my mouth I remembered that last night I bit my tongue but I'm too cheap to spit it out. #ThisWillNotEndWell

You ever dream that you forgot to do something at work, then wake up and make a mental note to fix it before you realize it was only a dream?

I COULD put the chairs back where they belong OR I could just keep telling people the building is sliding into a sink hole.

If all continues to go as planned we will have no plans tomorrow night which are my favorite kind of plans. #ILoveItWhenNoPlanComesTogether

meep meep!

The Roadrunner is not being chased by the coyote so much as he is trying, Forest Gump style, to outrun the pain of being rejected by his family for looking more like a ostrich/rooster mix than a real roadrunner. #FowlShaming #MommaWasABirdWhore #JustFeltLikeRunning

history

Dad's WW2 Honorable Discharge Papers 1945: Priceless Family Heirloom. / Dad's White Castle Craver Hall of Fame Award 2005: Priceless to him #TheHistoryWeLeaveBehindUs

coming this fall on FOX

New reality show idea: a group of 20 somethings are put to work inside a late 70s office environment (with retired bosses & coworkers from that era) that allows smoking, sexual/verbal harrassment, manual typewriters, business formal dresscode, & gluten, w/ no smartphone, internet, tablet, or computers and see how long they survive. Call it "CultureShock!" or "When I Was Your Age Dammit" #SponsoredByAARP

Wait until Tuesday to buy your solar eclipse glasses for savings up to 75% #SmartShopper

just peachy

Think I cracked a tooth on some pit from the peach that smeared all over my shirt while I sat in traffic this morning. I was already sticky, broken, & late before even starting my work day.

40 years gone

Later tonight I'm gunna pop a pill, then fry me up a big ol' peanutbutta&bananasandwich while I tear the seat of my white jumpsuit doin karate kicks in the kitchen as a tribute the big E. Know whut I mean, man? #ThankYewThankYewVeriMuch #TCBF #40years #RIP

USPS

At lunch I walked into a post office I hadn't been in since 1983 and literally nothing had changed. The guy at the counter had feathered hair & glasses and from the back I heard Every Breath You Take playing on a radio. Pretty sure I stepped back in time so I mailed my future self a postcard to invest in Apple stock and NOT buy those MC Hammer pants.

mow

Did my first cut w the new riding mower. I left bald spots, high spots, brown spots, green spots, and untouched turns and corners. I no longer have a yard, I have a topigraphical map.

burn

Dear white supremacist/nazis/kkk: Be advised that side effects of hate & violence (when mixed with body odor, chewing tobacco, smugness, and sleeveless t-shirts) may include spontaneous combustion as well as eternal damnation. #WeHopeYouEnjoyYourIncineration

august 14 1969

48 years ago today the Apollo 11🚀 Astronauts👨‍🚀👩‍🚀👨‍🚀 (who first stepped 👣on the moon 🌑) were released from quarantine 😷to a ticker tape parade 🎈🎉🎊 which means its also the 48th anniversary of my Baptism👶💦😇 on the same day. #StillWetBehindTheEars

I'm not saying its humid outside but I will say the air was so thick and wet I needed an oar to slice my way from the car to the office door.

dream

I dreamed I won the lottery but only on the condition I recieve & spend it all in pennies, nickels, & dimes.Cashiers HATED me. Then some guy tried to rob my house but hurt his back lifting it and walked away. #TurnAndFaceTheChange

When I just say the word MORNING & keep walking consider it more a declaration/warning than a greeting.

stuff

After 60 years in the same place my parents accumulated a lot of stuff.
"A house is just a pile of stuff with a cover on it."
"Ever notice that OTHER people's stuff is shit and YOUR shit, is stuff? 'Move that shit so I can put my stuff down!"
- George Carlin

wake and walk

My body is telling me I need more excercise but making me walk off leg cramps in a pitch black house at 4am every morning is not a good way to express it. #NoOneLikesASmartAssBody

AquaFreshDefense

I'm brushing my teeth when a meatball sized spider crawled out of the drain so I spat toothpaste on him & rinsed him back down. If I smell something minty fresh crawling up my back I'll know it's about revenge.

cough cough

I'm trying to justify the idea of going home sick for the afternoon but all I can find wrong w/ me is a slightly sore back, a few sniffles, a hang nail, and some carrot stuck between my teeth. #NotEnough

bombs away

I have an old desktop computer that I need to have wiped & then given for recycling but I'd much rather find a really high balcony to drop it off of. #SomeJuvenileInstinctsNeverDie

Did you ever accidentally drive the wrong direction but are too lazy to turn around so you have to find a reason to keep going?

There is currently a little voice inside the head of Kato Kaelin that keeps telling him the time start his political rise to power is definately now.

lunch

Today for I brought leftovers from dinner at Bandana's BBQ instead of my normal sandwich. Sadly, this constitutes exciting news in my life. #InternationalManOfMystery

Dawn

I dreamed last night the new fad was using dishwashing liquid for toothpaste so I tried it. It worked well but soap bubbles came out whenever I peed. #WokeUpWithALemonTasteInMyMouth #TakesGreaseOutOfYourWay

unexpected feelings

Its been over 4 years since my Dad passed so the mourning ended some time ago but now that Mom is gone as well I miss them as a couple.Kind of like losing him all over again.

In 1984, I had an algebra problem, that no one else could solve, so I unsuccessfully tried to hire.. The A-Team. #WeDontDoNoMathFool!

pills

Currently taking a steroid w/ these side effects: Dizzness, rapid heartbeat, headaches, weight gain, urination issues, trouble breathing, problems speaking & thinking, vision impairment, skin problems, sweating, & trouble moving or walking. Its like an acid trip to advanced old age in just one pill